(Closed) Help with other FDIL in family

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5904 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m a bit confused…did you change the original wedding date because you felt the family wasn’t being emotionally supportive enough?

Post # 4
Member
13102 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think because you guys have been engaged for 8 years and have cancelled numerous wedding dates in the past, your FILs have lost any faith that you and their son are ever actually going to get married (and I really can’t say that I blame them).

That said, I can still understand your frustration when the other son’s pending wedding gets much more attention than when you try to plan one (although again, I think this is likely due to your really long engagement and multiple cancelations).

But by shunning the other FDILs shower and wedding you are punishing her and your FBIL for the actions of your FI’s parents.  That isn’t right.  From what you posted, yout FBIL and his FI have never mistreated you.  By shunning them and their wedding, you are just continuing the cycle of what your FILs did to you (and as such you know how that feels and that they don’t deserve such treatment from you).

Post # 5
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I have to say that I agree with FutureKMM. I don’t necessarily think it’s the right thing to do to punish your FBIL and his FI b/c your inlaws are treating your marriage different than theirs. I also think that because you’ve been engaged for 8 years and have cancled multiple weddings that I don’t blame them for thinking that the two of you aren’t serious about this. I’m sorry that you feel as if they aren’t supporting you, but again…I don’t think shunning the bridal shower is the answer.

Post # 6
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m inclined to agree with the other posters…but I also would like to hear more about how you feel your in-laws don’t want you around.  You mentioned that in your first paragraph, and it seems like a pretty important bit of information.  Have you and your FI talked to them about your feelings?  Have you guys talked with them about the reasons why you are waiting so long to get married?  Maybe they feel that marriage isn’t AS important to you as the other siblings, because you two have bypassed the wedding and started a family already—no judgment whatsoever about that, but sometimes parents have a hard time accepting the untraditional stuff, you know?

I really would like to hear more if you are willing to share, but understand if you don’t care to!

Post # 7
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I think skipping the bridal shower (and anything else to do with their wedding) because you are upset at your FILs really doesn’t make you much different to them – i.e. you will be withholding support for their wedding and marriage. You know how hurtful that is, so I’m not sure why you would do that to another couple who don’t deserve it. I know it will be hard to take the high road, but I don’t think you’d regret it in the end. It also gives you an opportunity to say “you see how everyone has rallied around BIL and gotten excited for them? That’s what we need from people too.” I’m not sure you’d have a leg to stand on if you hadn’t been part of the rallying and support for BIL, difficult as it’s going to be.

Perhaps in the beginning your FIL’s attitude was because you had already been married, but after 8 years and what sounds like numerous cancelled weddings, I’m not surprised they have lost a lot of enthusiasm and interest in it. You don’t need family support to get married – just an officiant of some kind. I hope you are able to have the wedding you want and feel good about it, as you deserve to.

Post # 9
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

It sounds like they have caused you so much pain and turmoil over the whole relationship—why do you even want/need their approval?  I’m really not trying to be harsh, but do you really think she’s going to change after that long?  It seems like the best thing to do would just be to get married and officially start your lives together as a family without them.

Post # 10
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

My thoughts are similar to Melanie’s.  Why would you even want their approval???  They have been nothing but horrible to you and your kids.

You sure for heck don’t need it and you would be waiting until FMIL died to be out of the clear. 

Post # 11
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Despite everything the parents did, I think it’s wrong to punish BIL & his fiance for the actions of his parents.

Get married and have a happy family and ignore his parents.

Post # 13
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow, this is a whole different story! I’m not sure why you and your FI are even in contact with them anymore! It sounds as if she’s extremely controlling, and at this point, I wouldn’t want to go either if I were you! And if his brother is acting the same way, then he’s disrespected you as well. I change my answer!!

I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all of this – you both might benefit greatly from counseling, especially since his mom had such control over separating the two of you for such a long period of time.

Post # 14
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Your FI CLEARLY wants to be with you; he is marrying you, you have a family. 

So WHY is he allowing his family to treat you this way?

As sad as it is, he needs to make a choice.  His mother is trying to force you apart, and she will never, ever change.  The birth of two innocent children didn’t change her behavior, it almost seems to have made it worse.  The two of you need to stand together against her.  And as hard as it would be for him to do that, he needs to do it if you two are ever going to have a chance to have a life together. 

She will continue to interfere forever if you allow it.

Can you get a restraining order against her?

Post # 15
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

Cut these people out of your life – FOR GOOD!  If your FI has a problem with it, perhaps he should go to counseling and have a 3rd party help him see how dysfunctional and unhealthy this is.  Your priority needs to be your new family! 

Have a fun, small wedding.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a lovely wedding!  Do NOT invite these people!

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