@5292010:The reason why I feel as though the FILs don’t want me around has multiple facets. Initially, his mother grated me over the coals/interrogated me about every aspect of my former marriage (even things which were not her business i.e. not part of the public record) the very first time I had met her. I knew at that point that she might pose problems down the line but I loved her son and I did not want to hurt him by acting any different towards her. (Her own younger brother had been divorced prior to this so I am not sure why she was picking on me) We were engaged 3 months after that event and set the date for just shy of 2 years later. He understood my want of a decently long engagement as I had been married before and wanted to make sure I did things right. (Only one person in his exended family showed excitement and that was his maternal uncle’s wife) At that time, her son was still living in the family home and I lived a couple of hours away. He and I would visit every weekend, with him coming to my home most of the time because of the comments that his mother and her mother would make when I would be around.
We decided to move him in with me 5 months after we were engaged, as he was on seasonal layoff and it would give him ample time to find a new job in my town. He was scared to move as he did not want her flying off of the handle (I’m not sure how the family dynamic was when he was growing up, but I have gathered over the years that he was forced into virtual poverty/starvation because was a younger parent and did not want to fight her pride and accept help from social programs in feeding her two children. She instead had them subsist on mainly on meat obtained from illegal/offseason hunting and convinced them that was what they had to do for survival-mind you that they are not from an area which would necessarily be considered wilderness or where “roughing” it would be considered the norm. She also put him out for work at age 10 to help the family survive.)
After he moved in (against her will), we opted to hold off a bit on getting married so that we could get our finances in order since we were going to be footing the bill (mind you before we had only set an unofficial date so nothing was set in stone for a timeframe). We had some medical bills pop up and so that pushed back our hopes back further but we were still in love and still would talk about how we planned things would be like at our wedding once we were able to do it.
Fast forward to 3 months shy of our original date-I turned up pregnant even though we had been careful. His mother hit the roof at the news and told him “You know that doesn’t mean you have to marry her, right?” She decided that she was going to drive a wedge inbetween us over that next month and threw a fit and came to our town with his brother and cousin and forced him to pack and leave while I was away with my parents for the weekend. She decided that I would be better off alone, broke, homeless (I couldn’t afford rent on our new place by myself) and pregnant than to have her son stay with his fiancee and their soon to be child. The control she had over him as a child was still incredibly strong and he admits that now.
She took him from his job in the town where we lived, had already put out resumes for him in/near their town prior to all of this, found him a new job and moved him back into the family home with his brother, herself, and his father. She brainwashed him while he was there-even though she knew we were almost constantly together (even for grocery shopping) she insisted that the child probably wasn’t even his and demanded most of his paycheck for room and board while he was there which left him little to even think of being able to drive to see me (she was dure of the amount as she was the one who had set up the new job). She would intercept his phonecalls, saying that he wasn’t available and seemingly rejoiced in thinking that she had broken me.
This latter of course ended up being true-I had so many problems during that pregnancy due to all of the stress-I couldn’t force myself to eat, I couldn’t sleep, my nerves were shot all of the time. I had to go on a low dose of an antidepressant just so that I could take care of myself and the baby growing inside of me. When the time came for our child to be born, I left a message on their housephone, hoping that he would get the message and come to the hospital. Guess who showed up? She came, having driven him down and hovered over him the entire time that he was in that hospital-she wouldn’t let him get close to me, she would grimace if he would try to comfort me, and would make him leave the room for extended periods to go out with her. Our child was born the next morning and the baby and I were moved into the mom and baby section. It was in this area that she backed my mother up against a wall and started to physically threaten her-I can remember overhearing the nurses in the hall discussing whether they should call security. I could only cry, as I wanted this to be a happy time but I found it so hard to maintain the joy of our new little one. Four hours after the birth, she insisted that it was time to leave, as she would not allow him to take off work the next day. He had the saddest look I have ever seen in his eyes as she tugged him out of the room. I should say though that she ~did~ offer to buy me a magazine though-how gracious 🙁
I went back to the apt my parents helped me get 3 days after the birth. She allowed him to drive down to see me but with the caveat that he had to bring the baby back with him. I was a breastfeeding mother but that did not matter in her plan (I chose to breastfeed because on both sides, in the immediate family there were milk allergies). I was still so in love with him and on pain medication so my judgement was clouded and he took the baby back with him for the weekend. Long story short, he brought the baby back to me sick-she had insisted that the baby have a certain milk-based formula…the baby was allergic to milk as well.
I nursed our baby back to health, having to avoid dairy in my diet as well to keep him healthy. I continued to only give him breastmilk to drink that entire first year to keep him healthy-which much to her chagrin that mostly involved me being around if she was going to see him on weekends. Right before that first year was up, she hired an attorney on behalf of her son and forced a custody hearing/paternity suit even though we wanted to be together as a family. She even went as far as to drive him to his attorney meetings in my city and sat with him in the hallway, refusing to let him speak to me on our court date. Behind the closed doors, we ourselves told the judge that we wanted to be together and that we thought the whole thing was complete nonsense so his later judgement reflected that. The court hearing over, she whisked him back into her car and they were gone.
She kept him broke over the next two years, he was only able to visit with me basically when he was picking up our child for a visit. One of these visits-whoops I ended up pregnant again even though we were still very careful. I begged and pleaded with him not to tell anyone of them since I couldn’t handle the stress again. Maybe that was wrong in retrospect but I wanted so badly to have a healthy pregnancy and I felt that was the only way.
Our second child was born and he told his family after the fact-she was beyond livid with him but took photos of the child with me cropped out of any possible shots in the background. Since he had of course driven himself to my town for the birth she couldn’t do anything about him leaving.
We scrimped and saved everything we possibly could over the next 18mos and thought that we would get married this past Sept. but postponed it because we knew we needed those funds to try to be together physically as a family. So that was another postponement and it hurt but we felt it was worth it in the long run. We finally were able to purchase our own home this past winter and we all moved in together, in a completely different town from his parents and mine. We feel so much stronger now that we have overcome all of this, and had continued to save so that we can finally see our dream of being married and legit this summer.
So you see, there really had been more to it rather than what was just on the surface, in essence I feel as though she is just smearing more in my face with his brother’s wedding. His brother still acts as though I’m the scum of the earth, as he has since before our first child was born, and refuses to say a word to me. I guess I just ruined everything for their family by taking their firstborn away from them 🙁 She (his mother) depended on my FH as though he was a second husband to her.