(Closed) Help with what to say to fmil tomorrow?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you told her that you’ve had to cut family to accommodate her? That might help. Honestly, weddings are in large part about learning to draw boundaries to establish you and FI as a new family. This is one of those situations where you have to stand up for yourself. Try to be tactful, but be firm.

Post # 5
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hi, does my FI have a secret brother that you’e marrying?

Make sure you and your FI are on the same page, Go talk to her and present your agreement together. Plus everything crayfish said.

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Whenever I go into difficult conversations, I think ahead of what my desired outcome is.  There can be compromise, but you need to have a clear idea of what you want to accomplish here.

Do you want her to give you more money to accommodate guests?  If so, I would calculate exactly (and I’d add everything- extra tables, linens, favours, centrepieces, etc) what her extra guests are costing. I’d break it down for her.  I’d use paper and a calculator in front of her. I would let her know that you cannot afford this and, while you’d like to make her happy, you simply cannot afford to invite anyone else.  Then I would wait to see what she says.

Do you want her to stop inviting guests? This is a hard line.  I’d break it down by cost as above, explain that you’re already having to cut family, and that you have to ask her to stop adding to the guest list.  I would explain that the guest list is now final.  There will be no additions.  

Do you want her to understand (and that’s important) that she can’t invite more guests because you’re already cutting family from the guest list and you have reached your venues’ limits?  You go through everything you have that has to do with costs and guests.  You explain that you’re not in the position to invite everyone.  You spend a bit more time of the soft stuff (being nice), but firm.

All of these allow for your to switch goals or compromise, but I would be very clear with your FMIL.  You also need to make sure that your FI is onside completely (it would honestly be better if he led this conversation).  If he starts to waver, I would get out of there.  You can always revisit the situation once you’ve cooled down.  Do not be afraid to take a break or walk away if you have too (while being respectful).

I would point out to your FI that by her calling him and going through him for all of these conversations, your FMIL is trying to cut you out of the convo (which is wrong) and that she is clearly playing on your FI’s feelings and inablility to stand up to her.  You both need to be united.

Hope this helps a bit and GOOD LUCK today!

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@InATizzy:  Yup.  I totally understand.  Is your FI completely on board with this?  Is there any way that he can lead this conversation?  

I just reread your OP and am I right in assuming that she is basically only paying for her “extra” guests?  

In this case, I would not say anything about cost.  I would focus on the fact that the guest list is final and that you agreed to her inviting 5 additional people and that’s all that you can accommodate; additional funds are not the point.  I would definitely say something about the fact that you feel like she wants you to cut your own family members in order to make space for her friends. I would also say something about wanting to be able to keep both “sides” as even as possible so everyone is comfortable.

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with someone like this…it might be that she just thinks to herself “I’d like to invite these people…it’s only $X more.  I can afford that.  I’ll give them the money.  What’s the big deal?” and she is not seeing the big picture.

The big solution to this is she is not getting this and keeps trying to add extra people is to say thanks, but no thanks to her money and if she keeps pushing, that’s exactly what I would say.

Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

I’m curious why you’re cutting your family members if she’s paying for her extras? Is it because of a space issue?

 

If she wants to invite all the extras I would make sure she is aware she has to cover all costs of said extras. That would include the extra favors, programs, everything.

 

Good luck today!

Post # 11
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yup, it is past time to draw a line. You were generous allowing her to invite people above yours and your FI’s wishes. She shouldn’t be able to “buy” her way into your wedding.

Let us know how it goes!

Post # 12
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Just be honest, but in a calm way.

Post # 14
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@InATizzy:  Did you talk to her today? How did it go?

Post # 16
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I will never understand why people feel the need to invite every tom, dick and harry, cousin’s 3 times removed etc… If the bride and groom don’t know the people coming, I feel they shouldn’t be invited. 

Sorry OP, I don’t have much advice for you. Maybe you can just get by with the list is final and no more poeple allowed.

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