(Closed) HELP…Deal or no Deal.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Having a wonderful husband but no kids?
    Deal : (9 votes)
    16 %
    No Deal : (48 votes)
    84 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3887 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    No one can advise you on this one. I think kids/no kids is one of the very few topics in a marriage that are non-negotiable.  You can always compromise on things like career, money, and housework, but kids, that’s a deal-breaker. FWIW there’s not much else I put on the deal-breaker list: monogomy, drug use, and that’s about it.

    My DH and I both do not want kids so we are perfectly suited for each other. Only you can decide if you are willing to give up the dream of kids for this specific man, and unfortunately i think you need to make that decision before marrying. You have to be 100% on the same page on this one.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2106 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Take someone’s word for what they say and don’t go into this hoping they’ll change their mind.  If you both are not on the same page, I’m not sure the marriage can last.  Either you’ll never have kids for him and you’ll resent him and regret it, or you’ll force him to have kids against his will and he’ll resent you.  The perfect mate out there wants the same important things as you (in this case, children).  

    Post # 5
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

    A lot of people divorce because of this issue.

    Not having children because your spouse doesn’t want them when you do = big resentment. Or someone having children when they never wanted them = super big resentment. And then you have someone with a child they don’t want (and it will show).

    Occasionally people change their minds, but it’s better to be on the same track BEFORE you get married and not hope you’ll end up on the same track after.

    Post # 6
    Member
    11760 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

     I am so scared that he will never wants kids.

    He will never want kids – he has told you this. 

    You need to take him at his word now. Most men that say they don’t want to get married, or don’t want to have kids, mean it.  I would not count on him changing his mind in the future.

    If you want kids, you probably should not be marrying him. To me, that is a non-negotiable. I would never date let alone marry a man that said he didn’t want or wasn’t sure if he wanted kids. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    202 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    A family member of mine broke off an engagement because his fiancee didn’t want kids.  He’s now happily married to (and planning to have children with) a wonderful woman that he’s even more in love with.  If you can’t live without having kids, then you might have to consider the possibility that this may not be the right person for you.  Sad day.  Hugs to you.  I hope everything works out.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    4519 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @MrsWBS:  Exactly.

    Assume that if you marry him, you will never have children. Are you ok with that? Will you be ok with that in 5 years? 10, 20, 30 years?

    If you’re cool with it, then go ahead. If you’re going to wish he’d change his mind or regret not having kids, then better to stop everything now.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    4050 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    If YOU want kids, you need to end this. You absolutely CANNOT expect him to change or hope he will, because he likely will not.

    If you’re not a kid person and are not keen on being a mom, then good on you. Stay with him and have a happy kidless marriage. It’s not a requirement.

    It sounds like you do want children, or that you are at least on the fence with the issue. It’s not something you can compromise on, as one partner will end up resenting the other.

    It’s such a tough position to be in, and I am sorry you are. Peacefully end of the relationship if you think you want children. If you absolutely know you do not want children, then have a happy future. That is the only way your future with him will be happy.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    You sound like you want kids. I would be OUT in that situation if he says he doesn’t want them. Easier said than done but it’s not fair to either of you to expect a change of heart.

    FI and I are both on the fence, but we both agree that we’d concede to a “Yes” – if one of us decides yes, we’d go for it. So we’re unsure, but we’re both on the same page about it.

    You MUST work this out! This was a topic we discussed extensively in our pre-marital (actually pre-engagement) prep.

    Post # 11
    Member
    594 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @cupcakelady:  this is something you need to really evaluate. You cannot change a person and their wants and desires in life. If he does not want children, it is unfair for him to be with someone that does not understand that and this goes the other way around: if you want to have a family, it is unfair for you to be with someone that does not understand that. 

    Resolve this before the wedding, do not even start planning anything until you have talked this through. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2782 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @cupcakelady:  Bad idea. If he doesn’t want kids and you do, then I’m sorry but marrying is a really bad idea. Odds are very slim that he will ever change his mind, and chances are your desire to have kids will never go away. It will turn into resentment.

    Find someone who wants the same things as you.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2877 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Its not impossible that he’ll change his mind BUT you can’t marry him hoping that he will. Since its its likely he wont, you either need to reconcile yourself to having a child free life…or you may have to end the engagement

    Kids VS no kids is one of the major deal breakers for most people

    Post # 14
    Member
    924 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    No one can make this decision for you except you.  I will say though that you are lucky.  Hear me out.  You are lucky that your FI is being honest with you prior to the wedding.  Even better that he’s giving you time to really think about this rather than springing it on you once all the non-refundable deposits have been made.

    I was married to a man who told me he wanted children.  Until we had been married about three years and the time came to actually talk about having kids in a non-theorhetical kind of way.  At that point he “changed his mind” about wanting children.  All of a sudden children were a lot of work and money; and he was “too old” to be a first-time dad (He was 40).  I suspect that he never really wanted children, but knew I wouldn’t have married him if he expressed that thought (and he would have been right).  While this is not THE reason we divorced, it was a major one. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    If he’s definitely said he doesn’t want kids and doesn’t see his mind changing then, as others have said, you need to go into this marriage assuming his mind won’t change. Will you be okay with never having children?

    Some people do change their mind about these things, but you can’t bank on that happening, or you’re going to be super resentful when he doesn’t change. Also, he might change his mind when you guys are in your 40s (my uncle did), and then you might find that you’re either too old to have children, or have children, but not be able to enjoy them properly.

    Post # 16
    Member
    261 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I love kids and I can’t imagine my life without having any.  I’ve always said that if i wasn’t able to concieve (God forbid) I would adopt. 🙂 

     

    If having kids is important to you, you could end up resenting him more and more over the years.

    The topic ‘HELP…Deal or no Deal.’ is closed to new replies.

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