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Hi Hive,
I've been hovering around here for almost 2 years now. My husband and I got married this past December, so we've been married for just over 5 months now. Our wedding was gorgeous, we were surrounded by friends and it was lovely.
Here's the thing: it's not working. His credit has always been bad, so he can't qualify for a credit card so everything we do, I have to use my card. That means he literally never can "take me" on a date (I know it's all the "same money" but it doesn't feel that way.) Then, he lies about spending money that he gets from work. We're supposed to be jointly saving money to pay off our credit card balance and save for a house, but last week he got his paycheck and told me it was $700 LESS than what he actually made. He went out and bought an iPhone without consulting me (it was $400!) and he "forgot to pay rent" one month and cost us $500 in LATE FEES. I feel like I have to do all of the work paying bills and managing money, and then he goes and LIES about what he does, what he makes, he hides his mistakes and doesn't man up and take care of them.
On top of this, we paid $500 to take the gmat exams to go to business school this fall and I studied and got a great score. He "told me" he studied, but he came out of the exam and FAILED it -- he got a 300 on an 800 point scale (a 200 is the minimum score).
He obviously has no respect for me or the hard work I put into this relationship -- he'd be happier sitting on the couch drinking a beer than being a husband.
He just strikes me as a lazy, bump-on-a-log liar now and I can't figure out why I married him in the first place. I need the hive's help -- what can I do to make the situation better!!??
Can you sit down with him and have a discussion about exactly how serious these problems are to you, before actually considering divorce? I mean, I'm sure you've talked about it before. But maybe he thinks he can keep getting away with it and doesn't realize how hard things for you and what he is doing to your future together. Maybe he's just not getting it.
That said, these issues could certainly become a reason for divorce if he just won't change and continues to lie/be disrespectful of you... I'm really sorry to hear about it.
I think you should go to counseling. I also am wondering why you guys don't have both of your paychecks on direct deposit? That would make it impossible to hide money. Funnel the money into one account that you manage.
I think him nit being able to pay for dates for you is a little ridiculous after marriage. You could just as easily put him on your credit card account. It's joint money. I think it should be more about the effort he puts into planning things for the two of you instead of what he is paying for.
If you guys do financial counseling and get things reined in, I think you can make it. Also, as his wife, you should care more about the reasons behind his actions - and about actually talking and listening to his needs and concerns - than about leaping to conclusions about why he is doing these things. Maybe he is having a crisis of confidence in himself. Maybe he is melting down over what to do with his life. Instead of assuming that he is an incompetent "bump-on-a-log", maybe you should try and have a more adult conversation about it.
Oh honey, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm going to say a few things and I don't want you to take them as an attack or anything.
You say he's always had money issues. I understand it's gotten harder and everything but you married him when that problem was around before, did you think it was going to disappear after the wedding?
As for the exam and everything you said past the money, I think (since it sounds like affording a therapist is out of the question) you should try to do this:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2010/12/02/best-of-the-bee-working-on-our-hot-relationship/
See if he's willing to work on things and if not, I think you know the answer. Marriage is NOT a solo.
I agree with counseling first. I think there are a lot of steps that can be taken before divorce. I can't know exactly what to do in that situation, but crayfish has some great points.
Have you even considered getting some counseling? These definitely do sound like problems, but I'd talk to him frankly and let him know how much this is affecting you. If it's between working on your issues with some professional help and divorce, I'd hope he'd opt for counseling. If he's not even willing to work on things, then I'd say divorce would be a pretty clear option.
It's great to listen to thoughts and suggestions from commenters because it may provide some perspective, but I don't think a poll is the right way to make this decision...
That's tough. But, just because you two are having troubles doesn't mean you go and get divorced right away, you've only been married for 5 months. You always hear that being married is hard work, and you can't just run away because of a problem. Sounds like the two of you need to have a long talk about money and how it will be handled. If needed, speak with a professional. Good luck!
@kay01: Yeah. I think if there was an option "get counseling" it would get the most votes, but there is no such option so I didn't vote. How can people on the internet decide if they should get divorced or not?
I think we need a little more background here.
How long were you together before getting married?
Has he always been irresponsible with money? Did you know this beforehand? Did it bother you before?
I agree that you need to talk to him about what you have said here to us, and then go to couple's counseling. If you truly love him, I think it's worth trying to work through with the help of an expert. If that doesn't work well, then...
+1 for those questions and also, how is your marriage otherwise?
I agree with the PP's. I think there are a lot of steps you can take before divorce. I think you need to go to counseling specifically related to money management.
With that said, I would encourage you to NOT combine your finances yet. Don't add his name to your credit card, and keep your paychecks separate until you get through some counseling and he can prove he will be responsible with money. You don't want to be in a situation where you are left with no money or ruined credit if he has access to your money. Obviously, if counseling works and he realizes that his poor choices are putting your marriage in jeopardy, then you could combine finances. But, I really wouldn't now since he's obviously not handling money well.
Good luck!!
I'm surprised how many people have answered 'yes'. While it sounds like you have a real, legit problem, that could definitely turn into something that people get divorced over. However, You've only been married 5 month. I think you owe it to your marriage to try and figure out what is really going on, and to see if you can find another solution.
Counselling sounds like a great idea. if you told him what a major problem this was (to the point we're you're contimplating divroce), do you think he'd be willing to let you fully manage the money?
I don't think you should just get a divorce right away. There is a reason our divorce rate is so high. As soon as there is trouble people take the easy way out and just go for a divorce. These are issues that should be sat down and talked about You should definitely go to counseling and try to work this out before just abandoning your marriage. In all honesty these are things that should have been figured out BEFORE you got married. But as its too late for that now I definitely think you should go to counseling. You married him for some reason, you must love him. You owe it to both of you to try and figure it out.
I voted no because I don't think you should get divorced right now. I agree, I think you need to both try marriage counseling. It seems that you guys are not communicating about financial issues and I think you need to figure out why.
I also agree with @JessesGirl: @Oneeleven: questions. Did you see this while you engaged? How did you pay for your wedding?
Also, if he's irresponsible with money, why is he in charge of paying rent? I certainly think it's great when couples share this responsibility but my relationship with my husband is not this way. I am in charge of our finances. My husband isn't irresponsible with money like yours is but he does want to buy a lot of things that we don't need. I always have to remind him that we can't afford somethings. I think he gets part of it because of how he grew up. His parents did pretty good with money and I'm not going to say they never had money problems but my husband had nice things while growing up. So there are some things like going out to dinner he is used to. We can't do it as much as his parents do because it's expensive. I think its hard because from the outside, our friends may look at us and it may seem like we make a lot of money... but if you looked at our finances we have a lot of debt (my students loans and our credit card debt)
We are trying to save up to buy a house, and so we had to consolidate some credit cards. I actually had to ask for all of his credit cards except one. So he doesn't feel tempted to use them. My husband is not involved in the finances so for him he doesn't understand, how much money we have to spend. So I keep him involved by sitting him down and showing him our budget. Telling him this is how much we make, this is how much our bills are, this is how much extra we have. It was a big eye opener for him.
Anyway, I think you need to ask him why he didn't ask you about the iphone. I would be pissed. But try to understand why he did it. Could he have a spending problem? Why didn't he ask you? Why is he lying to you about your paycheck? Do you make as much money as he does? Maybe he thinks you guys should get a certain amount to spend on however he likes. I don't think it should be $400 a month for an iphone. But maybe say $50 or $100 a month. He can save that amount up to make a big purchase but still need to come to you to make you aware.
Oh, do you guys have a joint account, so you could see how much is coming in each month? Is the check direct deposited in the account?
Sorry for all of these questions but I'm just trying to understand your situation.
marriage is hard and you have to work at it to succeed. Divorce shouldn't be the first thing you run to when you hit a wall. Talk to someone, maybe at your church, or a marriage counselor. I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you.
I'm going to have to 100th the motion that you two seek counseling. Both emotional/relationship and financial. I fully agree with the others, marriage takes work. You married this man for a reason so try to remember that. It sucks that you're just discovering now that he's not good at managing money, but there are plenty of options available to help you work through this so long as you're both willing to put in the time and energy to make a success of it. It really sounds like you two need to have an adult conversation, no tv, no radio, phones off, and focus on the issues and develop a plan to work together to fix it. Give yourselves a fair shot as a team.
To answer a few more questions:
(1) Both of our paychecks are direct deposit into our two separate accounts. We had a joint account at one point but he consistenly overdrafted the account (3 times in under 2 weeks) and we couldn't qualify for overdraft protection on it because of his credit (which, to be fair, his father ruined accidentally and not him...that's another story.)
(2) He was supposed to deposit his paycheck into my account so we could BOTH go on a cash-only basis 2 months ago; but, he lied and told me that his company couldn't deposit his check into my account because "his name wasn't on the account." This was BS as I later found out. The original plan that we agreed to was to have a set "allowance amount" each month that either of us could spend or save as we please -- hey, if I want to buy a pocketbook on RueLaLa than why can't he save for an iPhone!? I understand the fairness of this; but, as I said earlier, he refuses to go to a 1 account/cash only system!
(3) I make 2x what he makes.
(4) I agree the "date" thing sounds ridiculous -- but, it's still emotionally difficult. I mean, we're talking about him maybe "picking up the tab" for a $20 happy hour on a Thursday once a month instead of spending $20 on, say, a bluetooth so his keyboard for his 2nd computer (which he never uses) can connect wirelessly. It's just that I feel like I'm not a priority, when I would go to a baseball game with him, buy his tickets and beer (I hate baseball - I know, it's a shame) instead of buying, say, a dress at Target for an upcoming event.
(5) Yes, I knew he had some issues before we got married; but, he was lying and hiding everything well enough that I thought he'd improved significantly. Wrong.
(6) Something else -- I can't rely on him for anything. I am adopted and flew to mid-America to meet my entire biological family last summer for a weekend. Yes, this was emotionally difficult. While I was gone, I asked him to please just tidy up and organize the kitchen/dining room area of our apartment. Instead, he went into the city, partied with his friends all the nights I was gone, lied to me and told me he did the kitchen and spent money we didn't have (we were, at the time, trying to save for a honeymoon -- which I planned, organized and saved the money for. Another issue for another day -- and yes, I don't hold back on these things and then blow up 5 months later. He heard about it a long time ago.)
I just can't rely on him. And I don't (or didn't) believe divorce was an option. I told him 3 weeks ago that if he wanted to save this marriage we needed to be on the same page and seek counseling. He promised me he'd find a counselor. He hasn't done anything about it. Ugh.
Yeah, I'd find a counselor yourself and make him go. I'd also force him to read Dave Ramsay's Total Money Makeover. It sounds like he's being selfish and spending your guys' money.
Well, things certainly can't continue as they are. YET another vote for counseling; FI and I went because he was having a hard time telling the truth about things that he found difficult to discuss, and we are doing so, so much better now (and he's continued to see a counselor on his own). It sounds like you're past the point of wanting to try, though; from what you have written, it sounds to me like you've made a decision and are looking to others to validate that. If you are beyond the point where you can work through it and forgive him for what he can no longer change (what's happened in the past), it's too late. I hope you can make it, though.
I'm so sorry you are going through this!! I'm going to put a vote in for counseling as well. Did you do premarital counseling at all? Just wondering if you could contact that same person who did your counseling, if you did, to help you through this since they already know you guys. Otherwise, it sounds like you might have to take the step to look for a counselor. I think most pastors do counseling if you can't afford a licensed psychologist.
I also think looking into Dave Ramsay is a good idea. A lot of churches hold financial planning classes based on his books that you can look into and you could both go. But he has to be on board with all of this in order for it to help. So I think first and foremost, an honest conversation about your options and laying out there how you feel and where you stand right now. Tell him your frustrations and that it's led you to consider divorce, but you want to work on it first. I don't think you'd be here asking us for advice if you didn't want it to work. Don't give up just yet! Give him a chance to work on his problems before you walk away from the marriage.
Wow... you are in a really difficult position. The thing that I find hardest about this is that he's lying to you consistently, and you're kind of on your own trying to figure out how to fix it.
I agree with everyone else who is saying you should go to counseling. All the advice in the world won't really help as much as an objective 3rd party to guide him through the process.
In our relationship, I'm the one who makes 1/2 of what Fi does. Our solution is this: we each keep our own bank accounts, and 40% of our paychecks go into a joint account for household expenses including mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. The problem with that is, he might overdraw that account.... which would be mostly your money. Good luck in finding a solution. (((hug)))
And I don't (or didn't) believe divorce was an option.
This is why it makes me sad when people say that don't believe in divorce. Because you NEVER know what problems lie ahead.
That being said, I wanna know the answer to the question PPs asked. Did you know about all of this beforehand? His reckless spending? His negligence? His deceit?
This has to be fixed, and it has to be fixed NOW. Your marriage can still be saved, but only if he makes some major changes. You obviously love him and don't want to divorce, but when you say things like "I just can't rely on him?"
That's #1 in a marriage. Trust. And it's not there. So either build it up--TOGETHER...you can't fix him yourself! Or get out. Trust me--you don't want to go down with a sinking ship. :(
Instead of going straight to divorce, what about a trial separation? In all honesty, he probably knows how much you do for him, but doesn't really understand all the implications. Let him pay his own bills. Let him ruin his own credit. Let him ruin his educational opportunities. Let him see what living without you fully entails, and then maybe he can snap out of it.
I had some similiar problems with my FI early on in our relationship (he was only 22 at the time), and I said enough is enough. I moved out. It took a few months, but it finally sank in. Three years later, and we're getting married. And now he takes me seriously.
@rolling berry: Ha, true. That's why I didn't vote.
@Miss Wahoo: It sounds from your second post that you are trying to persuade folks that divorce is the right option, particularly with your comment #6. We can't tell you yes or no (well, we can, but it's not helpful). These problems aren't insurmountable - if BOTH of you are willing to work on them. He sounds scared to take the next step and find a counselor. That's pretty common for people with money management issues. It'll take a while to change habits of a lifetime that are apparently learned from observing his parents in action. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you sound like you want to throw up your hands declaring the problem as impossible rather than try, and you also need to learn to forgive mistakes (such as #6) and go past them - or acknowledge they are not possible to work past (in which case, I'm confused why you still got married). As long as you both feel this way, it will be very hard to make the relationship work.
I've heard the first uear of marriage is the hardest. Perhaps exactly because you find things out about your husband you didnt know before. I hate to sound like this... but I'm pretty sure the voows are supposed to be in good times and in bad, which is what you're going through right now. First of all.. if he won't take charge, YOU go find a counselor. If you want to save your marriage, start taking charge! If he won't go to counseling with you, go your self! And definitely get him to work on your finances with you! Also, I don't know much about credit cards, but is there any way you could set a lower limit on the card so he can't over spend? Also... about the date thing... I know its hard. My FH and I are both strapped for cash right now, and we'er lucky if we get a date once a month, or even every other month. You can work through it! Good luck!
He sounds very untrustworthy. This worries me that he is lying about all the important stuff in a relationship, what else is he lying about?
Husband number 2 was the same way - finacially irresponsible. I hung in there for a while but he was dragging us further and further into debt. I thought I was finacially lax until I married him! It never got better. The harder I tried to get us back into the black, the more he spent and began hiding what he spent from me! I shudder to think where I would be today if I had stayed in that marriage, it took me YEARS to repair my credit!
Sounds like he needs a cold hard reality check to make him realize that he will lose you if he keeps lying and being an ass about money.
I'm in the minority but I don't think counseling will help, at least, not with his current attitude. You've warned him that your relationship is in trouble and he's still sitting on his duff thinking you're all talk and he doesn't need to clean up his act. Maybe it's just me, but I would kick his butt right out of the house so that he a) sees that you're serious, and b) figures out that without you as his meal ticket, he can't keep spending the way he does. If he doesn't do either of those things...well, you have your answer about how invested in your relationship he actually is.
I'm surprised by the number of yes votes on this poll. I voted no. Are you really going to throw in the towel because of financial issues? Financial issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce, but to me it seems you guys haven't done anything to fix the problems. Try going to a counselor, go to a financial advisor, etc. Completely combine your finances. Have his paychecks automatically depositied in a joint checking account. That way he can't lie about getting extra money, you'll see it go into the account. Sit down and plan out how much needs to go to pay off credit cards each month. In my opinion you two should have talked about all of this before marriage, but just because you didn't doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it now. This is not something you should get divorced over right away.
Im sorry your going through this... I know how this feels and its awful. I have to say tho.. the lying is bad!!! You either need to talk to him, go to counciling or break it off.. I know thats hard though. But I dont think that these money issues are something you should jump to divorce over... You need to let him know your concerns first and see if you guys can work it out..You guys are only 5 months in hes prolly just testing the marriage waters.. not that that is right.. just saying... Good luck hunnie :)
I honestly can't figure out why you would get married in the first place either! It has only been 5 months since you were married--hadn't any of this come up before the wedding??
I can't really give you a concrete answer. From what you've said, it seems like you want a divorce. You are asking, but that just makes me think you're asking for confirmation for the answer you already have, and not for an answer itself.
Here are your options.
1. Go to counseling, try to get things worked out, and go from there. If you go with this option, there may be a chance of saving your marriage, but from what you've written it doesn't seem to me like you really want to.
2. Get the divorce, and end it now.
I really hope everything turns out the best for you, and that you make the right decision for you.
@Oribel013690: From what you've said, it seems like you want a divorce. You are asking, but that just makes me think you're asking for confirmation for the answer you already have, and not for an answer itself. I would like your post if I could :)
Counseling and go see a financial planner.
My FI and I discussed early in our relationship about our finances so there were no surprises. Although we have separate accounts, we each know how much each person makes and our financial obiligations. I had the finances since I'm a #s person while he is the Saver. Since he pays for a larger portion of the rent, I pay everything except for the cable bill. Once we are married, we will look to merge our health and car insurance.
Hang in there. I suggest you talk to other married couples who you feel close to. Luckily I have 2 close gf that have been married over 10yrs and they have been very honest about their marriages. I've heard and seen The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. And I'm still marrying my Luv this July.
Wow, I just read your second response. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are in a difficult situation but I wouldn't look for divorce yet. I would try one last attempt to get counseling. YOU GO GET ONE. Don't wait for the one who has repeatedly not listened to you. If you want see if you can save this marriage, you should take the next step and find and book a session with a marriage counselor. I know you have done a lot for this relationship already and you may think why do I have to do more. But if you want to be the one who actually tried to make it work, then that is what I would do.
Oh, I agree with what @amariem25: said.
So, do this and see if it gets him to open up. I really hope he isn't using you for your money. I'm going to hope that there are other issues that can be worked out. I'm not one for divorce but if this doesn't work, you may have to start looking at your options.
I wish you luck in whatever happens.
Oh, and if things go well with the marriage counselor the next step is to see a financial planner to get him to wake up. Sometimes it's hard to listen to your significant other, sometimes you need a professional to tell you what to do.
Miss Wahoo,
I definitely sympathize. This is a hard thing to go through and I can't imagine how it is affecting your trust in your husband, BUT ... five months ago you made a vow to love this man forever. For better or wose... for richer or poorer. You owe your marriage a shot at success through counseling before throwing in the towel on this. Please try some of the suggestions of other posters and seek advice and counseling... from a financial planner, a pastor, a marriage counselor-- if your husband is willing to change, this doesn't have to be a marriage-ender.
I wouldn't presume to tell someone (even my best friend) to divorce her husband. But the issue seems not to be financial in nature but the fact that he's a liar and untrustworthy. And if a counselor can work through the issues to figure out why he's not able to be honest, certainly work on it.
But I don't know how I could trust someone lied to me constantly, had no regard for my feelings and let me down on a regular basis. it's a sad story and I'm very sorry you're going through this.
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