Post # 1
I’ve been hovering around here for almost 2 years now. My husband and I got married this past December, so we’ve been married for just over 5 months now. Our wedding was gorgeous, we were surrounded by friends and it was lovely.
Here’s the thing: it’s not working. His credit has always been bad, so he can’t qualify for a credit card so everything we do, I have to use my card. That means he literally never can “take me” on a date (I know it’s all the “same money” but it doesn’t feel that way.) Then, he lies about spending money that he gets from work. We’re supposed to be jointly saving money to pay off our credit card balance and save for a house, but last week he got his paycheck and told me it was $700 LESS than what he actually made. He went out and bought an iPhone without consulting me (it was $400!) and he “forgot to pay rent” one month and cost us $500 in LATE FEES. I feel like I have to do all of the work paying bills and managing money, and then he goes and LIES about what he does, what he makes, he hides his mistakes and doesn’t man up and take care of them.
On top of this, we paid $500 to take the gmat exams to go to business school this fall and I studied and got a great score. He “told me” he studied, but he came out of the exam and FAILED it — he got a 300 on an 800 point scale (a 200 is the minimum score).
He obviously has no respect for me or the hard work I put into this relationship — he’d be happier sitting on the couch drinking a beer than being a husband.
He just strikes me as a lazy, bump-on-a-log liar now and I can’t figure out why I married him in the first place. I need the hive’s help — what can I do to make the situation better!!??
Post # 3
If you have to ask, you probably know the answer…
Post # 4
Can you sit down with him and have a discussion about exactly how serious these problems are to you, before actually considering divorce? I mean, I’m sure you’ve talked about it before. But maybe he thinks he can keep getting away with it and doesn’t realize how hard things for you and what he is doing to your future together. Maybe he’s just not getting it.
That said, these issues could certainly become a reason for divorce if he just won’t change and continues to lie/be disrespectful of you… I’m really sorry to hear about it.
Post # 5
I think you should go to counseling. I also am wondering why you guys don’t have both of your paychecks on direct deposit? That would make it impossible to hide money. Funnel the money into one account that you manage.
I think him nit being able to pay for dates for you is a little ridiculous after marriage. You could just as easily put him on your credit card account. It’s joint money. I think it should be more about the effort he puts into planning things for the two of you instead of what he is paying for.
If you guys do financial counseling and get things reined in, I think you can make it. Also, as his wife, you should care more about the reasons behind his actions – and about actually talking and listening to his needs and concerns – than about leaping to conclusions about why he is doing these things. Maybe he is having a crisis of confidence in himself. Maybe he is melting down over what to do with his life. Instead of assuming that he is an incompetent “bump-on-a-log”, maybe you should try and have a more adult conversation about it.
Post # 6
Oh honey, I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m going to say a few things and I don’t want you to take them as an attack or anything.
You say he’s always had money issues. I understand it’s gotten harder and everything but you married him when that problem was around before, did you think it was going to disappear after the wedding?
As for the exam and everything you said past the money, I think (since it sounds like affording a therapist is out of the question) you should try to do this:
See if he’s willing to work on things and if not, I think you know the answer. Marriage is NOT a solo.
Post # 7
I agree with counseling first. I think there are a lot of steps that can be taken before divorce. I can’t know exactly what to do in that situation, but crayfish has some great points.
Post # 8
Have you even considered getting some counseling? These definitely do sound like problems, but I’d talk to him frankly and let him know how much this is affecting you. If it’s between working on your issues with some professional help and divorce, I’d hope he’d opt for counseling. If he’s not even willing to work on things, then I’d say divorce would be a pretty clear option.
Post # 9
It’s great to listen to thoughts and suggestions from commenters because it may provide some perspective, but I don’t think a poll is the right way to make this decision…
Post # 10
That’s tough. But, just because you two are having troubles doesn’t mean you go and get divorced right away, you’ve only been married for 5 months. You always hear that being married is hard work, and you can’t just run away because of a problem. Sounds like the two of you need to have a long talk about money and how it will be handled. If needed, speak with a professional. Good luck!
Post # 11
@kay01: Yeah. I think if there was an option “get counseling” it would get the most votes, but there is no such option so I didn’t vote. How can people on the internet decide if they should get divorced or not?
Post # 12
I think we need a little more background here.
How long were you together before getting married?
Has he always been irresponsible with money? Did you know this beforehand? Did it bother you before?
Post # 13
I agree that you need to talk to him about what you have said here to us, and then go to couple’s counseling. If you truly love him, I think it’s worth trying to work through with the help of an expert. If that doesn’t work well, then…
Post # 14
+1 for those questions and also, how is your marriage otherwise?
Post # 15
I agree with the PP’s. I think there are a lot of steps you can take before divorce. I think you need to go to counseling specifically related to money management.
With that said, I would encourage you to NOT combine your finances yet. Don’t add his name to your credit card, and keep your paychecks separate until you get through some counseling and he can prove he will be responsible with money. You don’t want to be in a situation where you are left with no money or ruined credit if he has access to your money. Obviously, if counseling works and he realizes that his poor choices are putting your marriage in jeopardy, then you could combine finances. But, I really wouldn’t now since he’s obviously not handling money well.
Post # 16
I’m surprised how many people have answered ‘yes’. While it sounds like you have a real, legit problem, that could definitely turn into something that people get divorced over. However, You’ve only been married 5 month. I think you owe it to your marriage to try and figure out what is really going on, and to see if you can find another solution.
Counselling sounds like a great idea. if you told him what a major problem this was (to the point we’re you’re contimplating divroce), do you think he’d be willing to let you fully manage the money?