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Ladies,
Im on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Sat night my FH and I had this whole discussion about how he didnt know the point of marriage. He even was asking me how I would feel if the wedding was cancelled. His parents had a bad divorce but so did mine and Im not questioning us getting married. I am so upset I can barely function!
I asked him if this is a cold feet thing but he says he wants to marry me he just is scared by the idea of marriage. Oh and he also said it will change his "image" if hes wearing a ring and is married. I am so upset :(
Maybe you two should consider counseling. It sounds like he still has a lot of issues from his parent's split and he is afraid that it will happen again with you. He should be able to seperate the fact that you are in a completely different relationship than his parents.
I'd be more concerned about the comment about "changing his image" How would his "image" be changed if he's married...?
Agree on counseling.
That's horrible, I agree with counseling. Can I ask you a personal question, Do you live together? and did he ask you to marry him?
As far as the image comment, sounds to me he's too immature to get married.
Is this a one-time freak out? Has he ever said anything like this before? Because this definitely sounds like a freak out to me! With lame excuses to boot, but you can't blame him being gun-shy, I definitely have met a few jaded people because of their parents/friends/family's/previous divorces.
But welcome! =]
I agree with the counseling. And yes, it changes his image.... it shows that he is commited to you and if it bothers him to make that known, you two have much bigger issues. I highly doubt he feels that way, although I don't know him. This is where the counselor could help walk you two through this
Hi ladies,
We have lived together for 1 year and 6 months. I have suggested counseling but he says he should be able to talk to me about this issue. He says it shouldnt scare me its just how he feels but I feel like Im not disinterested and Im clearly going to get emotional about him saying this.
As far as image, he parties a lot for being a 33 year old, partly to do with his career and partly bc hes wild. All of his friends are married with children but he still wants to be the party boy. Honestly, this doesnt bother me. Im more of a homebody but Ive adjusted to his going out lifestyle. I just dont get whats going on.
He has been engaged before and broke it off 6 months prior to the wedding. I told him before he proposed do not do it if you have any doubts. Im starting to freak out big time! We are 5 months away from the wedding.....
Am I the only one curious as to what "image" your FH is trying to keep from being ruined? I agree with hotchild...that comment would bother me more than him questioning marriage. I mean it has to be tough to see your parents going through a divorce while you are planning a wedding.
I think you guys need some counseling just to make sure that you are on the same page and not borrowing your FILs troubles..
Agreed on the counseling. There are 2 HUGE issues - his "party-boy image" and his commitment. Both need to be addressed ASAP!! Good luck!! ((Hugs))
Yeah i see your dilemma. He honestly does not sound like he is ready to be married and settle down. However if you are 100% okay with his actions (and partying, whatever), then are you expecting him to change when you get married? Does he think a big change is coming? Cuz i'm concerned that if in 5 years you DO get tired of that (it is inevitable, ya know?) and he's not, there'll be problems. But, if you both acknowledge there will be no "lifestyle change" (ie him becoming more of a homebody, etc, just b/c he's married), then that's another thing. I'd be concerned b/c it sounds like a repeat and I do think you guys could benefit from some counseling
Did you discuss with him what you think the point of marriage is?
I don't see why being married would affect being able to go out since you haven't told him to knock it off yet, is he worried you'll change?
I think it is definately an important conversation for both of you to have but especially since you're emotional to sit down and think about it for a bit as to why marriage is an important commitment and why it upsets you that he's more worried about his image 'changing'
wow, in all honesty... as a mom, I would not be okay with a party boy, especially that old. If you are ok with that, then that is fine, but think about the future.... do you plan to have children? Family needs to come before being out with the boys, drinking, other women.
If he is not ok with counseling, then I see a lot of let downs, fights, issues in your future....unless you can sit quietly.
He needs to grow up.
Counseling. Stat.
He doesn't seem to want to commit to settling down at all. And the image comment, after you explained he's a party boy, really unnerves me a bit.
I think you should try again to get him to go to counseling and if he doesn't go, there's nothing saying you can't go without him. Maybe he'll come around too, once he knows you are going.
I would try to get more specific reasons out of him about what's going on. He seems confused and you're not on the same page.
I agree about the image thing - it sounds like he is WAY too concerned about this. Do you mind if I ask what type of profession he's in? It doesn't sound like he HAS to project that type of image, especially if others are married and have children. This sounds like it is a very serious issue and needs to be dealt with head on. Perhaps you should talk to him about what he thinks will change after you two are married? Just like everybody else, I'd sort of push the counseling issue a bit because this is pretty concerning. Good Luck!
Bella
I agree with ejs. It really does not sound like he is ready to mature and be a husband and possibly a father. I don't think that he is really ready for marriage and he may have only agreed to it in order to make you happy. I think that if he won't go to counseling, you shouldn't be marrying him.
If you're cool with him partying, and if that's part of his job, etc. then I guess that's okay. But if he's worried about his "party boy" image being ruined by being married, then that would definitely be a red flag. Another red flag would be him calling off another wedding 6 months before.
As a former big partier myself, does he have any future plans of slowing down? I started slowing down after 25 (I'm 26 now) and I can't imagine continuing constant partying well into my 30s. Are you guys planning on kids? Does he understand that he won't be able to go out every night with a baby at home?
Also, you said all his friends are married with kids -- who does he go out with if you're not into it?
I think there are a few red flags here and you should definitely try counseling before making such a major commitment.
I agree with HotChild. The "image" part of his comment is what bugs me. Is he afraid of becoming boring because he's married? I'd discuss this with him more thurly(sp?) before getting married.
Hi ladies,
We have talked about kids in the future but not for awhile. Im a little younger 27 years old. We are both lawyers and his job requires entertaining clients a lot. When he goes out with the other married lawyers he comes home at a decent hour but when he goes out with one particular coworker he stays out till 4 am on weeknights. We had a huge blowout abuot that at one point but I am honestly ok with it as long as he communicates with me via text or a call that he will be out that late. He agreed he can do better at communicating this.
I have told him that nothing is going to change after we get married. I dont expect him to calm down and everything. I knew he was a party boy when I met him and when we got engaged. the funny thing is his friends who are all married tell him hes too old for this stuff. I honestly thinks he thrives off being the "cool" friend who still goes out and parties on the weeknights.
Another factor that is contributing I think is that we are buying a house in the suburbs so I think hes seeing like a total transformation into suburban husband and thats not who he is right now. I am not in the mode to have a baby or family yet either so we are agreeable on that.
I am really confused about the image part too. He says clients will think "oh hes married" if hes wearing a ring. Im like ok well thats not fair. If you dont want to wear a ring to show the world your committment then why should I. His response was that I like my ring and want to wear it. I just think its creating a double standard that the world knows Im committed but he doesnt want them to know that about him.
I am thinking I am going to tell him to seriously consider counseling. In the meantime, I am looking for a counselor to go on my own. I am just so frustrated, stressed and sad I feel like I cant even concentrate :(
Try out the question "What do you imagine our married life will be like? Next year? In 5 or 10 years?" Talk about your concrete plans. Stay away from abstractions like "What is the point of marriage?" (Talk about a can of worms!)
Marriage is really about sharing the same goals in life and committing to reaching them together. If he wants to keep being a party boy and to be one while married to you, then he can do this if you are both okay with it.
But if you (or he) imagine that marriage (or someday, children) will change him into the solid, practical, settled-down man you always wanted....well, make sure this is his own plan for himself too, because him wanting it too is the only way it will ever happen. Marriage itself doesn't make people settle down. People settle down of their own accord, or not. Don't marry someone expecting them to change, because they won't. But if you are okay with a man who is not settled-down, then there's no issue.
Question: If you knew your FH was going to stay exactly as he is right now (e.g., the partying), for the rest of his life, would you marry him?
Yeah, that "image" comment would bother me. FH can't wait to wear the ring so everyone he meets will know he's married.
I know you're way ahead of me, but if he doesn't see the point of marriage why did he propose?
If he loves you he will be willing to go to counceling. Good luck and I'm sorry this happened!
I think that is a good idea that you are going to go to counseling yourself. That will help you to understand what you want in a relationship and see if things with your FI are what you want in a relationship.
Maybe I'm being overly simplistic about it, but unless he's a lawyer for like Guns N Roses or Paris Hilton, you'd think a wedding ring would project a positive image of stability and maturity... something a lawyer would relish and a client would desire.
Good on you for counseling on your own. Definitely try couple's counseling if you can... think it'd be beneficial.
Having had a similar thought myself recently, I might somewhat understand where you fiance is coming from. And while I don't agree with how he expressed himself, maybe you two could use this as a sounding board for one hell of a discussion. First off - for you, what is the point of marriage? And don't just answer generically. Really - WHY do you want to marry him, rather than just continuing to date? To formally unite your families? Because you want to start a family of your own, and don't feel right doing that without being married? Because you want some sort of stability? Because it's the next logical step in the progression of your relationship? Because you want to throw a kickin' party for all of your friends and family? Because you want presents? Because you want to buy a home and don't want to do that unless you're married? Because you hate your last name and think his is better?
Now, I certainly find some of those reasons better than others :) But you need to figure out what your reasons are. And talk to him about it! For me, the "reasons to get married" always revolved around family - either starting one or uniting the ones you already have. And since I never wanted to have children (and neither does my fiance) and most of my family is deceased (and my fiance isn't terribly close to his family), getting married always seemed silly. Until it hit me that really, I wanted the stability. I've moved maybe 20 times in my life, and have never lived anywhere longer than a few years. And the thought of standing before all of our loved ones and declaring that I want to be with him for the rest of my life, that he'll be my constant - it gives me chills.
Talk to him. Figure out the "Why?" in your relationship.
I would ask him what is wrong with clients knowing that he's married...? That doesn't change who he is as a person or a lawyer. That part confuses me...
As for buying a house in the suburbs, I understand how that can be a big and scary transition. I'm a city girl and the mere thought of having to move to the suburbs one day makes me want to cry. Whenever my mom suggests that I should buy a house upstate, I laugh at her ;o)
I think talking about counseling with him and finding a counselor on your own is a big and positive step.
What kind of law does he practice? I am well familiar with wining and dining clients but the partying till 4am is NOT an essential part of practicing law! Agreed with the others, you should look into some counseling. This is very serious and you may want to consider postponing the wedding until this is worked out. The last thing you want is him getting cold feet like a week before your wedding, when your guests have already made travel plans, bought gifts, etc. Good luck!
Moderndaisy-I asked him this exact question. Why did you propose if you dont know the point of being married? He said its because he knows he wants to be with me forever.
Well, it sure doesnt feel like it right now :(
I just feel so weird bc I am nothing but excited about our marriage and new house and I feel like he is scared and not happy. It is the worst feeling ever!
Lopeze143-I think he does fear being bored when hes married but I cant tell him enough times I dont care if he goes out. His parents divorce was mainly driven by his dad out entertaining clients and his mom not liking it and hes TOLD me that even though I never bother him (I dont text, call, ask for check ins NOTHING) while he is out with clietns, that he is terrified this will happen to us. Its just not fair bc I do not resent or have an issue with the client entertaining. AHHHH!
Another thing, is there any way you can put the house thing on hold right now? Are you already under contract for a house? Maybe it would be easier for both of you if you weren't in the process of buying a house too, which is pretty stressful on its own without having to plan a wedding too.
I do have one question for you. You're okay with it now--you say you don't care.
When do you think you WILL care? Sometimes it's easy to say "oh that won't bother me" but what about in 2 or 3 or even 5 years?
I don't want to be mean, but he IS 33....how old is too old for him to act like this? Has he told you he'll stop at a certain point? I'm all for people partying and doing their thing (it's their life, ya know? who am I to say when is time to stop?), but you're part of that, too....and it's not going to be fun to be left alone and neglected b/c he'd rather take a client out for a nice dinner than you.
Ladies,
No thats where the whole argument was before. The CLIENTS do not stay out till 4 am. They stay out till maybe 12. Then he is out way after. So when I got mad about that he was equating it to me not being supportive of his job. Well you werent doing your job from 12-4. Even still we discussed it and if he wants to stay out I told him it was ok. I feel like that was a compromise on my part. I told him a lot of girls wouldnt want their fiances out past their work committments. However, I accepted it and accepted the way he was. Its been an adjustment for me bc I am not the partier esp on weekday nights but I have done it. I just feel like I am doing everything I can to make this work that it makes me so upset to think he doesnt know why he would want to get married
@CaliGirl: Who does he go out with after the clients go home?
We are already in escrow. Closing in the next week and moving Dec 10. The house was a huge deal to him and he was the one who wanted to pursue it now. AND yes I agree it is a MAJOR stress while getting married.
That one coworker! They are both 33 and think they are 21!! The coworker is single
I don't know... this raises a lot of red flags. It doesn't sound like you are really happy with his partying life style but that you are just putting up with it because it's the only way you can get him to stay.
The other posters have given some really excellent advice. Would you be happy if he was this way still in 10 years? Is this really what you want out of your marriage?
@CaliGirl: I would worry that he and the single co-worker act like bachelors when they're out (not saying that he's cheating or anything) and he doesn't want that "image" to change. Maybe he thinks his single friend won't want to do the partying thing with him anymore after he's got a ring on his finger. But honestly, that's a choice you make when you get married. If he still wants to party like a bachelor, he shouldn't be getting married. This is definitely something you guys need to work out.
He called off his last engagement. I dont know a whole lot of details about it bc its a sensitive subject for him.
Hotchildinthecity-I def know they do that! He has openly told me they flirt with girls. I am really secure (maybe overly) and I think they are just being idiots. I have told him if he wants to live the bachelor style he should make that choice and he claims he doesnt want to. However, Im remembering during our Sat night convo he did say that he thinks we would be perfect together in 5 years bc thats when he thinks he'll settle down. He'll be 38!!! And when I pointed this out he said he didnt "realize" how old he was. WTF!!!
So he doesn't want to get married because it will ruin his chances of flirting with other girls?? Is he serious?!
hellohellohello-Im not exactly sure if that is it. He says its all about the "client image" but what someone else said that it would promote stability and maturity makes a lot more sense. I guess its bc most of his clients are divorceees. I dont know its all so confusing. He does admit to flirting with girls though.....
@CaliGirl: You two definitely have some issues to work out. It's obvious that he's living the single partying lifestyle with the quintessential wife waiting for him at home. If he's this serious about continuing to act this way, what makes you think that he won't just put his wedding ring in his pocket when he's out partying with his single buddy?
For the record, FI goes out without me with friends. I know that girls talk to him because he's good looking and doesn't have a ring on his finger. I know that he'll have a polite conversation and move on. I would be pretty livid if he was out partying and flirting every week/weekend and buying girls drinks and such.
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