(Closed) helpful advice: Newly married, but think its over

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this.   I think you are right to seek professional help on this issue.  It was really unfair of him to agree on these major life decisions before marriage then suddenly change his mind.  He shouldn’t have married you knowing that you want children and he doesn’t.  That should be a major dealbreaker.  Do you think there is a chance that now that the time has come to act, he is just scared?  Sometimes things sound good in theory or when they are way off in the future, but it’s hard to take that step when the time comes.  Or maybe he is going through some kind of depression?  How are other aspects of your relationship?  Unfortunately it sounds like he might just not be happy in the relationship anymore and doesn’t want to make anymore plans, but there might be an underlying issue other than that. Hopefully by going to counseling together you can get to the root of the problem.  

Post # 5
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well without  doubt, it IS terribly unfair. He agreed to major issues but basically lied to get what he wanted and now he is going back on his word. The marriage is supposed to be about what you both want out of life, not just him. Of course counseling is the first choice – but if he is unwilling to even do that you will need to make a decision. Either you are going to live life the way HE wants or you will need to move on. I wish you much courage and I am sending lots of virtual hugs!

Post # 6
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry and I see your point in everything…good luck to you guys!!

Post # 7
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I feel like we are in similar situations. I’ve been married for just 2 months but we dated for 5.5 years before we got married. In my husband’s mind, “we have plenty of time” to grow into adults and have children. The reality is: he will be 39 in January and I’m 36. I’ve already been told by doctors that we may have difficulty getting pregnant and that we *should have” started trying to concieve before we got married. When I told him about my medical issue (3.5 years into our relationship) he freaked out (to put it mildly) although he can’t explain why. Eventually he calmed down and we decided to stay together but he didnt propose for another year, after we both started premarital counseling and I threatened to leave 2 times.

Before our marriage our agreement was that we would wait to “try” for children until we got married but, once married – children were to be our primary goal. After we got married he started talking about how he wanted to buy a house first and to grow our savings first and go on a trip to Europe first (he’s already traveled the world so it’s not like this is a first trip abroad for him). Essentially, he wants to put off having a family because “we have plenty of time”.

I stood my ground and said “no, that wasnt our agreement” and he, once again, agreed that we could “try” to concieve… for about a month…

After a visit to my doctor a few weeks ago, she advised me to purchase ovulation kits and if we are unsuccessful using these kits after 6 months she would refer us to a fertility specialist. I bought the tests, discussed the process with my husband and his response was “can’t we just ‘try’ to get pregnant without using the predictor tests?”. I explained to him our limited chances of getting pregnant and the necessity to start at least trying so that we can get referred to a specialist sooner rather than later. We discussed that homes and trips can come later in life but we only have a small window to have children. At the end of the discussion we agreed I’d buy the tests.  

I started the tests 2 weeks agon and last week when one of them showed me that I was ovulating, I discussed it with him – in the interests of full disclosure and as equal partners. I just figured it was only fair to include him in the process as my husband and equal partner in life. He freaked out and said he felt too much pressure with the tests and didnt want to have sex.

I told him our marriage was over because I feel he sold me a “bill of goods” that never existed. Essentially, he misled me into marriage, claiming to want the same things because he didnt want me to leave. He figured I’d change my mind after marriage.

This is a man that had me get rid of 75% of my stuff before we got married because he claimed I had too much stuff. Now, when I look around our apartment I see nothing of me in it. What little stuff I have is in closets. I live in HIS life, with HIS things, and when I come home, I never feel at home.

I’m a very independent person and I refuse to lose who I am in order to remain married. I’d rather have a TRUE partner who feels comfortable in allowing me to express myself and who ACTUALLY shares the same life goals. We MAY go to counseling again, but I’m not sure I want to waste anymore of my time with him.

You need to listen to your instincts and do what you feel is best for you. If you are willing to compromise on having a family, then you two can probably work this out. Maybe joint counseling AND individual counseling would be the best.

Good luck to you.

Post # 8
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That…really sucks. My advice normally would be to go into a serious commitment on the same page. You clearly did your best to do that. I hope counselling helps. =

Post # 10
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

I am really sorry! I think your doing the right thing by getting counseling. Keep us updated and wishing you the best!

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think I would go in to your MFT meeting with a list of what you want and make it a goal to talk through each and every one with your fiance. Compromise. If he will have children, would you be ok with no dog or join accounts? 

But I will note that if he does not want to have children, do not force him and do not go off protection. I would hate to be the child born out of manipulation and resentment. 

Post # 13
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think for those of you who have married men that say they want the same things as you do before marriage and then “change their minds” after marriage, you have complete grounds for divorce or annulment. Counseling first, of course but don’t waste time if he really isn’t keeping his promises. If your man only tells you what you want to hear to keep you from leaving, he’s a liar and you will only end up with heartache. On the flip side, it’s not fair to try to force your man into wanting the same things you do. If you both are on different pages regarding important items like reproducing or finances, you shouldn’t be together. For women in their 30s, you don’t have “plenty of time” to have children.

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