Post # 1
Two weeks ago I found out that I “may” be an Aunt to a child who will be turning 3 this year. The mother of this child has indicated that my brother is the father. Neither one of them wants to take a paternity test and I want them to only because I know my folks and other family members will push for it. Plus there is a chance its not his.
I have tried for the past 2 weeks to get them to decide what they want to do. This child is still a secret and I want him to be a part of the family since we have lost almost 3 years of knowing the child.
My brother is fairly young and I would have to say is still not “mature” enough IMO. I want to help him but I don’t want to get too involved in the event its not his. OBVIOUSLY it is not as clear cut whether he is my brothers child because the child has the last name of her ex and the ex is legally required to pay child support. My brother just recently became involved in this kids life after she told him that the baby was his…..I KNOW….tell me about it…DRAMA!!!!
Oh and I forgot to mention…I come from a family of Asian decent and my parents are very catholic…I’m the oldest and typically I’m the one the brings and mediate all family issues.
Help what should I do or NOT do?
Post # 3
I think it would be in your brother’s best interest to get the paternity test done, because what happens if the other possible father (who is legally paying support) does the paternity test and the results are negative? Is it possible that there may be some legal and financial repercussions for both the mother & your brother?
Also, why would someone else be paying support f they aren’t for sure for sure the father? The mother ‘deciding’ 3 years down the line that she wants a different ‘daddy’ for her son seems a little suspect. Maybe I am just paranoid.
Is there any way for you to speak frankly with your brother? Does he really want to involve himself if the child is not his? If he still wants to be involved with the child/mother regardless of the paternity, then that is a different can of worms altogether.
Post # 4
I don’t think there is a way to tell someone to take a paternity test and not make them mad. You may want to let your brother know though, that if he is listed on the birth certificate or indicated in any court paperwork, he will be responsible for paying child support, until the child reaches the age of 18, 24, if the child goes to college or university. He will also be responsible for medical, dental, eye care, etc. Maybe letting him know that it will seriously affect his wallet, he will be more inclinde to get the paternity test. It would be a shame for him to have to support this child, if he is not really the father.
Post # 5
Were this woman and her ex married at the time of conception and/or birth of the child? In many states, that would make the ex legally the father, even if biologically your brother is the father.
Your brother may be resisting a paternity test just because he does not see a benefit to himself in getting it. If someone else is listed on the birth certificate and is paying child support, he may just figure that having a paternity test could result in some obligations he does not want to take on.
To be honest, I would suggest speaking with a family lawyer in your state to figure out what the legal situation is.
Post # 6
My brother is not listed on the birth certificate….IN fact no one is listed. When the child was born she moved away so my brother was not a part of that childs life for the first year.
During that time, she applied for assistance and the state requires that the father be named…so this girl named her EX bf…(side note the child also bears the EX bf’s last name)….So the state went after the ex for paternity and child support….he never contested and therefore ordered to pay CS…However he has never paid a dime b/c he is jobless.
Anyways….fast forward a year an half later…my brother is now in the picture and has been there for the child but in secret….I just recently found out….I told my brother that I will help him financially as well as helping him telling our mom as long as he gets the paternity test. I also told them that I would help them with all the legal stuff as I am an attorney.
So for weeks I’ve been going back and forth with the both of them trying to get them to understand why its so important…and not to mention all the legalities that are involved….MY brother is refusing the test stating I dont need a test because it wouldn’t matter…and then she is telling me well I want “you guys to love my son unconditionally and not on condition”
I dont want to keep pushing them b/c ultimately it will just push them away from me and I wouldn’t want that especially if it turns out he is my nephew…..
Post # 7
Not here for legal advice but more to VENT and on whether I should continue pushing them or not or just take what they say at face value and leave it at that..
THANKS for allowing me to VENT bee’s
Post # 8
Yeah, I’m not sure how you can do much more than you have. Is your brother currently helping her financially? Or helping with child care? It sounds as though whatever he is doing, he wants to do even if he is not the father.
And I do understand wanting to vent, even if there is not much you can do.
Post # 9
No legal advice here.
But I don’t think you should push them. It’s really not your business. If you decide to help financially or with legal stuff, they are right, you shouldn’t put a condition on it. Or if you do, be prepared to be told no, then don’t offer your help. If he wants to be there for the child regardless of paternity, I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to tell him he shouldn’t.
Post # 10
From the sound of it, it seems like your brother is set on having the child in his life regardless of the outcome, so it may be that your brother doesnt want to know b/c it may hurt him if it isnt? It seems he wants to play the father role.
In this situation, I would say to let him be and dont push too hard on it b/c they might get that sense that you only want to be there or accept the child on “condition”. I know as a sister you are out to look in the best interest of your younger brother, and it is VERY important to find out IMO, but I think the best thing to do is just support the decision your brother makes. It’s a big step for him to step up and take on a responsibility that may or may not be his..
IMO, i think he doesnt want to take the test b/c he doesnt want the family to look at the child differently if it wasnt his.. it seems like he really wants to be a part of this childs life and bring him into your family.
Post # 11
I am sorry you are dealing with the uncertainty and the turmoil. I have to say, I don’t think there is anything to do and you are totally right that if you keep pushing them you may just push them away. I’m sorry. Its something your brother has to want and push for himself, and even though you love him and he is your family, its not your place 🙁 I’m sorry. Good luck and I hope for the best for you and your family!
Post # 12
You don’t. Sorry to be blunt, but this is between two consenting adults and the ramifications of their actions are theirs to bare.
Post # 13
Thanks for the comments…I know its not my business to get involved but its very hard not to get involved. I forgot to mention earlier…that she was the one who reached out to me and wants me and the rest of the family to know him….3 years later!!!!!
The good thing about my brother is he wants to be a part of this childs life no matter what so therefore he doesn’t need a test….BUT he wants to keep him a secret he doesn’t want anyone to know….that is why IMO it is a problem. I actually think its b/c he’s scared of my mother’s reaction to the news.
In any event this is where I keep going back and forth…I told both of them that I will take what they say at face value b/c i didn’t want to push the issue anymore…she claims its my brothers 100% but had also admitted to being w/ her ex a month before she hooked up with my brother…so there is a chance that either one of them can be the father……But since my brother said the baby was his…I want to help him financially b/c he and the girl (not even dating) can’t afford the baby’s daycare and schooling. She is a single mother w/ 3 children who is working part time and going to school part time (don’t get me wrong totally not knockin her down she’s a very sweet girl) but I would help them for the sake of my nephew…As bad as it sounds it would suck though if it turns out he wasn’t my nephew…I have never met the child but already I am in love with the idea/fact that I am an Aunt.
Post # 14
walgreens! they sell DIY paternity tests (sounds stupid i know) but you can do the non legal one (which can not be held up in court BUT can be used as proof to move further or not) you just have to get samples… offer to baby sit for the child, easy peasy, its your brother that will be tougher. i had to do this for a friend and even though she was willing it was really easy. the instructions and everything are in the box. good luck!
Post # 15
If your brother is scared to tell your family about the child you should not push him until he is ready. You stated yourself that he is immature, let him grow up and become a man. Your brother doesn’t care about paternity and neither does the mother, so why do you care so much? If the paternity of the child is so important to you I would advise you to stay away from the child until the issue is resolved. I understand you not wanting to get close to the child and it turns out not to be your brothers.
Post # 16
This can turn into a very messy legal battle down the road. What happens if you guys start helping out, and then the original baby daddy starts paying again? Or if she decides that your brother isn’t helping enough, and tries to go after him? What if your brother gets attached to this kid, and she takes off again? Your brother will have NO parental rights without a paternity test or adopting the child, and it can be a huge deal. When the child starts school, it’ll be even more important, since schools are being so protective nowadays.
I would sit your brother down and go over the potential problems, and even create mock scenarios that he might get hurt with. It sounds like he knows the kid isn’t his, and is trying to avoid any situation that might reveal this.