(Closed) help…I have a crush on someone else. (really long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It is good that you are willing to admit that you have these feelings because now you can do something about it.


1) Stop putting yourself in situations where you are going to be around him. If you can’t do that, stop sharing anything personal with him and request to work on projects with someone else. Basically, cut the emotion out of the relationship and keep it strictly professional.

2) If you don’t want to stop, then decide if you are going to stay with Fiance. If so, see #1. If not, leave Fiance.

Post # 4
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Don’t be ashamed or embarrased. 

Don’t tell your Fiance that you have a crush on a co-worker.  It’s never acceptable to destroy someone else just to make yourself feel better.

Immediately terminate any and all relationship you have with Ben – of any kind.  No more being friends.  No more talking to him about personal stuff.  At all.  Ever.  Under any circumstances.  Take all that time and energy and put it into your self.

it doesn’t take Ben’s encouragement for you to work out.  It takes self-motivation.  You are projecting onto Ben and that is very dangerous.  So stop.  Right now. 

Or end things with your Fiance.

Post # 5
1330 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe Ben is gay.Innocent

Or, if not, stop having Ben call you at home, and stop confiding in Ben. It’s emotional infidelity. Even if it is just about weight loss. Guys know that girls go to them for advice to flirt…if a girl approaches a dude instead of her girlfriend, he usually takes it th wrong way.

Stop sending Ben the wrong signals…trust me, there will be many, many Ben’s along the way of your marriage. I hope this helps a bit,  Iknow you are not going to cheat, and this is kinda normal-I think us engaged or married chicks all have a “ben” or two cross our paths from time to time.


Good luck!

Post # 6
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@beeindisguise:  Don’t beat yourself up so much! It is only human to have crushes on other people…that doesn’t make you a bad Fiance or wife…what makes you a bad partner is what you DO about those feelings. From what you say you haven’t crossed any lines, and are just having a casual friendly relationship with this guy. There is NOTHING wrong with how you feel.

I think it’s wonderful he motivated you to want to work out and better yourself…but as you said yourself, that is motivation you need to get from FI! Have you told him that you need a kick in the butt from him? He might just be worried about offending you….I  need Fiance to kick me in the butt to go to the gym but it took us a LONG time to come up with a way for him to do it that didn’t offend me, lol.

I think you need to stop being so friendly with “Ben”…no phone calls after work, etc…because that is where you  might get yourself into trouble.

Post # 9
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with PPs’ suggestions. What I want you to ask yourself though is how would you feel if this situation was reversed? What if your Fiance has a woman at work who he is crushing on because she is providing emotional support to your Fiance that you aren’t. What would you want your Fiance to do in that situation? 

Post # 10
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You’re totally right…reducing contact with Ben isn’t going to change a thing about your relationship with Fiance….but you can.

Maybe your Fiance needs to see working out in a different way: yes, it’s temporary “suffering”…but feeling badly about your body and your weight, and being unhealthy is actually going to lead to a lot more suffering in the long term than a workout ever would.

I know PP said motivation comes from within, and that is totally true, but some people also work better with outside motivation…do you have a friend or co-worker (a female one! lol) that you could work out with, or attend classes or a boot camp or something together? I know there is also a Wedding Bee group on My Fitness Pal….maybe some of the ladies can give you that extra push 🙂

Post # 13
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  After reading about “Ben” I was thinking the same thing! He sounds gay to me. 

Post # 14
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@beeindisguise:  I am glad you recognize the problem with Ben. 

You see the problem is not Ben. It’s you and FI’s relationship that need to work on.  Instead of relying on Ben giving you the support, work on how Fiance can help you.  For instance, force your Fiance to make sure you work out or cut out all the sweets he has been buying you.  TELL HIM WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO for you. Some guys just don’t get it. 

And another thing about building self-confidence for your Fiance.  Have him in charge of things.  Don’t help him decide on everything.  In time, he will learn how to do his own things, make his own decisions.  It won’t be easy and it won’t be an overnight thing.  But it seems like you love him still.  You can help him to become a better person.  Instead of constantly thinking what he is lack of, help him improve his shortcomings to become a better person.  🙂


Post # 15
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@beeindisguise:   Please let me ask this:  How would you feel if your Fiance was doing this exact same thing?  And having these kinds of emotions for another woman?  You are heading down a slippery slope if you don’t cut off all personal and emotional contact with this guy.  You don’t know his true motives, you just met him two months ago!!!  He is not your “friend.”  He is your co-worker.  Stay away from him, or tell your Fiance you have feelings for someone else.

Post # 16
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@beeindisguise:  Maybe you should go more into detail telling your Fiance what you need. Let him know its ok to be firm and you need that from him..  let him know exactly how your feeling about your weight.. tell him you know hes being supportive and nice but its making you feel worse. I told my Darling Husband that I was very down on my weight and asked him after seeing my wedding pictures.. that no matter what I said I needed him to “kick my butt” in the gym and I needed him to be firm regarless if I said I wanted to quit.

As far as your co-worker.. you need to stop going to him with your personal issues.. you need to cut off any extra cirricular talk.. ONLY work for now on.. and if ben asks why.. explain it.

Hope that helps

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