Helping Children of Divorced Parents Understand the Permanence of a New Marriage

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3041 posts
Sugar bee

@freshflowers:  she’s little. She won’t understand the true concept until she’s a little bit older. Why the need to push the explanation about mom & dad having been married & now divorced? She doesn’t need all the info beyond who mom & dad are and what yor role is. 

Post # 4
714 posts
Busy bee

I agree with the pp. 

Don#t stress yourself over it. 
Isn’t it great his daughter is really excited for the two of you? 


Post # 5
277 posts
Helper bee

TO be honest, her idea that “sometimes you make a promise and intend to keep it, but it doesn’t work out” is more accurate than the idea you want her to believe

Your question is basically “How can I convince a child that marriage is forever, when she already knows this isn’t true?”.

She’s three and has a good handle on how marriages work, and she doesn’t seem upset by her interpretation. I don’t see how “people make a promise to be together forever. They do everything they can to keep that promise but sometimes it just can’t be kept, and that isn’t the end of the world” is a bad lesson for her, regarding marriage and relationships, or even life in general. Leave it at that, and when she’s older you can go into more details about your personal beliefs.


Post # 6
384 posts
Helper bee

She is a child. She will grow up and learn. I was the same way as a child as my parents divorced when I was an infant. It made me learn that I never want a divorce and that it is a serious thing. I would just leave it be.

Post # 7
8476 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

TO be honest, her idea that “sometimes you make a promise and intend to keep it, but it doesn’t work out” is more accurate than the idea you want her to believe

 @AmyJCardiff:  This exactly.
To OP, the only way you’ll convince her of the stability of your marriage is to show her (i.e. don’t get divorced), and over time I think the message will sink in.

Post # 8
9149 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@freshflowers:  The explanation will need to be tailored to her current age and then change as she grows and matures.  Make the point that marriage is a promise to love someone forever.  If she asks why mom and dad aren’t together anymore since they made a promise, do not say anything bad about their marriage, just respond that a some couples decide they aren’t happy anymore and they get divorced.  Then give her examples of happy marriages of people/couples she knows (grandma & grampa, aunt & uncle) that have been married for 10 years, 30 years, 50 years…  You can’t protect her from the reality of divorce but you can set the example that ideally marriage is forever and then model for her a good marriage through your marriage to her father.

Post # 8
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Children learn what they live. No explanation in the world will convince her that your marriage is “forever” until it lasts and doesn’t end. Then she will learn through experience what a good and lasting marriage can be. There is no need to explain things now because words don’t mean much. She is well-adjusted, so let it be and allow her to learn at her own pace what a solid marriage can be.

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