Post # 1
My FI has been steadily gaining weight for years. I overlooked it at first, I didn’t want to be shallow or nag him about it, I loved him for who he was. Right after we got engaged, I was excited and exclaiming that I now had a reason to get into shape (had been fighting with myself for about a year about getting to the gym), and he loses his job, meaning he became an even bigger couch potato than before.
I have kept it to myself for years now about how I feel about his weight, and I know I was partially keeping this problem going by loving to cook and make yummy things for him. But I have fluctuated between 110-120 lbs my whole life, and I guess I just know when to stop eating?
He went out and bought himself new clothes for his new job yesterday (yay!) and when he put them on this morning I told him he looked handsome and to have a great day. But I noticed that his shirts are now XL instead of just L 🙁 He mentioned for the very first time yesterday about getting a gym membership (double yay!) but it always seems like if I get excited and start mentioning things (like oh there’s a place down the street, or have you looked for gyms in the area where work is? or do you want to go for a walk tonight?) he gets defensive and stops talking about it. I just wanted to help I didn’t think I was being overzealous!
I just want to know how I can help FI without nagging or pushing him or whatever will make him spiral back onto that couch every night. He loves his red meat and scotch in the evenings, and if I even mention the word calories he calls me a party pooper and gets angry. When we first met he bragged about being a swimmer in highschool and I have never seen him in good shape. I don’t want to be the bad guy but I was hoping that we could start our lives as husband and wife in the best shape of our lives! Its impacting a lot of areas in our relationship that I dont even think he realizes. I haven’t been physically attracted to him in a long time, but I love him and I still try and initiate sex but it’s getting harder to. And he’s started refusing me because he’s too tired (from being lazy 🙁 )
I’m freaking out because I want to be with him forever, I just want him to be healthy and not get diabetes or have a heart attack. I have always made sure to stay somewhat in shape, but I feel like he just doesn’t care, which is wholly depressing. Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
Do you do the cooking in the house? If so start making easy substitutions to meals without mentioning anything. Whole wheat noodles for white, non/low fat dairy for full fat. Grilled or baked meat instead of frying. You can still keep red meat in the mix, just not every night!
When you have an evening/weekend free together suggest going on a walk or hike instead of dinner and a movie. Even going to a theme park or the zoo would be better than sitting at home on the couch!
I started dating my guy when he was at his heaviest. I never asked him to lose weight or said anything, I just led by example. I don’t like fast food so we would never go eat that together. I eat smaller portions so it encouraged him to eat smaller portions. We got a Disneyland pass so we would go there on the weekends and pack a bag of healthy snack to munch on. I decided I wanted to train for a half marathon and he decided to join with me so we run together 4x a week. In about a year and a half he has lost 65 pounds and is now back at his high school (athlete) weight.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is to make subtle changes to your lifestyle and hopefully he will follow suit. If you don’t make a big deal about calories, exercise, etc. and just implement them into your life it won’t seem like you are nagging.
Post # 4
I try to cook, but half the time he ends up kicking me out of the kitchen 😛 I was on a really good streak for a while, cooking every day, but I fell out of it. I start getting bored with what I’m cooking and then since I can’t figure out anything to make we go get fast food, blah! I’m going to try and get back on track with that, no more eating out. Does anyone have any recommendations for yummy healthy recipes? I swear if I use anything other than butter or vegetable oil in my cooking FI says he notices :
I am trying to set by example, but I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. I have the worst motivation for working out since I’m not heavy myself. FI is a homebody so just getting him outside is a feat in itself, but I’ll keep trying.
Post # 5
Can you start doing active things together? Just going to the gym, taking a class, or walking the dog would be great to get him active.
I also agree that you need to work on the family diet. Don’t buy junk food and have him bring his lunch to work instead of buying fast food.
I love Tasty Kitchen and Allreceipes.com for receipes that are quick and easy to make.
Post # 6
I wish I could, he’s just not interested in doing any of those things. I just said jokingly last night that I wish we had a dog because then we would need to go for a walk every day 🙂 But every time I say “oh we should go to the museum today, or the park, etc” he just says “mehhh”. His laziness is feeding his laziness and its starting to drive me crazy.
Post # 7
Start doing these things on your own. Want to go to a museum? Go by yourself or bring a girlfriend and leave him at home. Don’t want to sit around after dinner? Go for a walk around the block by yourself. Make plans with friends to go for a hike/picnic one weekend. Make it so if he wants to spend time with you he HAS to get off the couch.
Post # 8
There are lots of good ideas here, and while they would be good to try, I think you should tell him exactly what you’ve written here too. Don’t nag, don’t repeat it, but sit him down ONCE, and explain that his lack of care for his body is hurting your future together, and it’s hurting your present together. Explain that while you love him as much as ever, you’re not as attracted to him anymore, and it’s hurting your sex life. If it hurts his feelings, too bad. It’s the truth, and you need for him to take responsibility for his health. I also think that he deserves to know what’s going on in your head.
Post # 9
You’re right babyboo, I have become a little dependent on him and I never want to leave him alone 😛 Thanks for the advice, I will do all these things (even though I have no friends, I have no problem going somewhere by myself 🙂 )
Post # 10
Maybe now that he is working again he will be more energetic too. My friends FI lost 20 lbs. when he started working and when he lost his job he just sat around all the time eating and drinking , never wanting to do anything! I think guys get really depressed and lazy when they are unemployed. The other ladies have some great advice! Good luck!
Post # 11
My husband is more of a homebody than I am and his eating habits before we lived together were much different than mine. One thing to keep in mind is that if your guy is “lazy”, he’s not going to be inclined to do the grocery shopping or the cooking…if he doesn’t like the skim milk you buy or food cooked in olive oil instead of butter, then he’ll go hungry…my guy would complain so I gave him one night a week he was responsible for dinner…after one night of shopping and cooking the complaints stopped…well, he still teases me about the “water milk”, but it’s a light-hearted tease followed by a smile and a kiss, not a battle anymore. I also told him I wanted to go for walks in the evening to stay healthy, but didn’t feel comfortable going by myself…the protector in him stepped up and he started walking with me. I make active plans for us too (hiking, golf lessons). he prefers to spend his weekends “relaxing” and usually isn’t gung-ho about the plans I make, but he’s always glad we did it once we’re done. I’d also consider talking to him about it from a health perspective…”I want you to be around a long time and I want us to have more sexy time”. Don’t know that I’d tell him you don’t find him attractive as that is pretty harsh…would just hurt me, not motivate me if I was on the receiving end of that…but that’s just me. Hopefully this new job will help give him the confidence to turn things around.
Post # 12
I agree with ShellyT that you shouldn’t tell him that you don’t find him attractive anymore. If my husband said that, it would be such a blow to me.
Post # 13
I have been, and am still kinda in, this same situation. I tried asking him if he would like to go for a walk and he usually said no, or if he did say yes he’d only walk for 20 minutes. I tried to make sure there were healthier foods in the house, but I work nights PLUS I actually need to work on gaining weight as I am, and have always been, too thin. Plus, I don’t eat well myself (like you!) sooooo, it’s tough for me.
Finally, two things helped. One, we scheduled our e-pics and I talked about them a bit and how I was working to try to get good skin, drink more water, etc. so I’d look my best. He mentioned that he hoped to lose weight. But the second thing was, after having a couple of direct convos (which I think is needed, emphasize that you love him, and are still attracted to him, but now the future is more real – at least that’s the way it seemed to me – and I wanted us both to be more healthy). Anyway, those talks didn’t stick so finally we got in a big fight about something else, and I brought up his weight. The thing with us is, sometimes I really have to yell at him to get him to listen to me. I’m not saying I’d recoomend that…it’s just how it turned out for us.
He started doing Weight Watchers on his own. He’s not really doing it hardcore, but he has lost some weight.
Anyways, me advice is: keep healthy foods around, keep asking him to join you but if he says no, just go on your own, talk to him directly, honestly, and kindly…and if worse comes to worst, yell! Just kidding about the yelling part. Good luck!
Post # 14
I we are dating the same guy! So many good suggestions!
Post # 15
I have the same issue with my fiance. I want him to lose weight for our wedding but I don’t want to be hurtful or nagging about it. I started going to a boot camp class every morning and I would come home and rave about how great it was and how good I felt and how much weight I was losing, and eventually one day he started asking me about it and I told him how happy it would make me if he joined me in the class. He declined at first but I gently prodded him and over time he came around. He wanted to quite at first but I gave him the whole “I paid for a full month for you!” routine and so he stuck with it for four weeks, and then he fell in love with it too. That was step one. Step two is getting him to eat healthier.. Since we live together this isn’t too bad because I buy all the groceries and I conveniently “forget” to buy all the fattening stuff. I also started packing him a lunch every morning with healthy food, and I throw in some cute little love notes. So far it’s working well – we both still have a long way to go but at least we’re both committed now!
Post # 16
I don’t know if it’s much help, but i know when FI and I moved in together our eating habits changed together. It’s fun for us to go grocery shopping together and sit down together and enjoy a meal. Maybe take a cooking class with him? That might make changes in his habits a little more appearling and a nice way to spend time with one another. Is he a grill master? I know my boy loves his BBQ, I just hand him chicken and veggies now, instead of steak and baked potatos (for the most part 😉