Post # 1
My fiance and I cannot agree on the rehersal dinner ….
My parents are paying for the entire wedding with the excpetion of the rehersal dinner. My fiances mom and dad have offered to help pay for the rehearsal dinner, however they are both in tough financial situations and dont really have much money to contribute. His moms first suggestion was to just make lazagna and salad and have everyone over to her house. Problem with that is that she lives 45 minutes from the church and if she makes all the food, she wouldnt be able to participate in the actual rehersal. Also, we have about 40 people that could potentially come to the rehersal and her house is not big enough to accomodate everyone. My fiance and I have been talking a lot about our options and I suggested that we have it at a really good Italian restaurant near the church that would end up being about $15 per person. Then they could just contribute what they can and I will pick up the rest of the tab since my parents are paying for the wedding and I really have not been asked to contribute anything as of yet. However, FI thinks this will upset his parents and make them feel that they arent good enough. I love my future in-laws and I would never want them to feel that way but I do want to make sure that the rehersal dinner is nice for everyone involved. I do not want to see them put themselves in an even thougher spot financially to provide a nice dinner when I am definitely in the position to help them pay for it!
Question is: Is it rude to offer to pay for some of the rehersal dinner so that they dont have to kill themselves trying to pay for it? Would you be offended if you were his parents?
Post # 3
i’d try to cut down – why would you have 40 people at the rehearsal? that seems very large. i would have him bring it up with his parents when you are not around (so they don’t feel judged, and can be more honest).
have him say, ‘i think having the rehearsal dinner here would be challenging because of x, y, z.’ is there another option or venue we can talk about?’ and see what happens. maybe they would be receptive to an alternative, maybe not.
does an aunt, family friend etc live closer than 45 minutes? she could make the food prior, pop it in that person’s oven and go to the rehearsal and everyone could come back for dinner. my parents hosted a rehearsal dinner for a family friend one time, maybe they have friends or family that would be willing to do so.
Post # 4
Since the whole wedding is your responsibility (all gifts and offers to help welcome but at the end of the day it’s yours) then no I do not think offering to pay is a bad idea. I also second cutting down on the number of guests. If you need to, provide pizza…
Post # 5
In response to both of you: His mom thinks that we need to have all “out of towners” at the rehearsal despite the fact that they are not in the wedding party. She feels that since they flew into town for the wedding that we should include them in all the scheduled activities. It was not my idea but I am not going to argue with her about it.
I think part of me is being a bit selfish because I have this vision of what I want my rehearsal dinner and wedding to be like … but I think I need to let go and just let them do what they can. No matter what happens I wil be very appreciative and I know that it will be wonderful.
Post # 6
I agree with you thst 45 min is too far of a drive , ESP the night before your big day. my mil also Wanted to invite all of my husbands out of town Family to our rehearsal dinner . I didnt want half of the guests to be attending the dinner (we only had 100 people at wedding ) and by inviting their out of town family I would have needed to do the same , and we would end up with like 50 people lol. I kindly said ‘I know you are hosting the dinner so ultimately it’s your choice , but I was really looking forward to having a more low key evening with our close friends and family.’ I also threw in how I would feel weird handing out bridal party gifts kn front of people who I wouldn’t be giving gifts too, she sided with me in the end.
Just say its too far sbd since you can’t use the house would they like you to contribute a little toward the bill?
Post # 7
@theredhead: My fella’s father passed away 14+ years ago and his mother is barely supporting herself (she is on government assistance and lives in section 8 housing). We are shouldering the financial burden of the engagement party and the rehearsal dinner – granted neither events are “necessary” to the wedding, we would like to have them and are therefore paying for them. I know “etiquette” says the bride’s family pays for the wedding and the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner but the last time I checked, not many of us had Brady Bunch backgrounds. Do what you feel comfortable with.
We are also paying for her to have a nice, new outfit for the engagement party, bridal shower and wedding but that’s for another time…