Post # 1
Undercover, I’m a semi-regular Bee. My wedding was last Saturday, and I’m 24 weeks pregnant.
A friend (we met in 2003, have been close until recently) who lives six hours away is getting married on Friday. I’ve been upset that she set her date for just six days after my wedding ever since she booked her wedding earlier this year. We live in a major metro area and she lives in a rural town. DH refuses to travel there or spend the money for the trip (about $500 including hotel) – he’s been clear on this since we were invited. We also have a local wedding to attend on Saturday, as well as a mess to clean up from our own wedding and a foyer full of unopened gifts and cards.
Now that her wedding is approaching, I really don’t want to go – I don’t want to spend a night away from my husband so soon after our wedding, I am too tired/pregnant to drive that far, and because of my own wedding/honeymoon and the pregnancy I only have 2.5 days of PTO left so I’m resentful that I need to use a day of PTO to travel to and attend this wedding, leaving me with only 1.5 days until December.
I don’t want to go. If I didn’t need to travel by myself and miss work, I would definitely go, but I just can’t justify it right now…the thought of driving six hours by myself, attending a wedding (the bride, her friends, and family are heavy drinkers…I was miserable being pregnant and sober at her bachelorette/shower weekend in June), staying by myself in a hotel, then waking up in time to drive six hours home to attend another wedding (all while 5 months pregnant) is so daunting that it’s giving me anxiety. DH doesn’t want me to go.
She came to my wedding last weekend, so I’m worried that if I don’t go to hers she will assume it’s out of spite. Not helping the situation is that I don’t like her FI and she knows it. I RSVP’d a few weeks ago and she told a mutual friend that she was shocked that I was coming, so I feel like the “higher road” thing to do is to go to her wedding but I just can’t…how do I tell her I can’t go? Will we be friends after this?
Post # 3
I say you need to put your big girl panties on and go to the wedding.I also think your DH should suck it up and attend.
You seem to be placing the blame on her for a lot of things that were definately not her fault like you not being able to drink at her BP, having to drive whilst pregnant, planning her wedding for when she wanted it and your general bad planning.
In hindsight you should have declined the invitation but you didn’t. Ypu RSVP’ed yes so the bride and groom have spent money on your meal etc and made the effort to come to your wedding (and didn’t back out with a lame excuse about their own wedding!!!!).
Post # 4
you RSVP’d yes, you should attend. i agree with @j_jaye: on this one.
she went all that way for your wedding, you can do the same for her. yes your friendship would suffer if you do not go
ETA: she would still have to pay for you and your DH, so many brides on here have to deal with flakey guests who back out at the last minute. most responses are about how rude that is, etc etc. do you want to be one of those guests?
Post # 5
Do you think her top priority was to attend your wedding 6 days before hers? Doubt it, but she still went to support you. You RSVP’ed that you’d be there so it would be pretty rude to blow her off at this point. How would you have felt if the situation was reversed and she decided at the last minute that she didn’t feel like going to your wedding because it was too much of an inconveinance after you’ve already paid for her? Bet you wouldn’t have been happy. Out of curiosity, did you confirm that your husband was attending when you sent in your reply? If so, he really should suck it up and go too.
Post # 6
While I think it would be good if you could go, it really sounds as though you’ve got a lot of reasons not to – I know people who aren’t comfortable driving one hour when pregnant, let alone six! And for just one person to make a journey like that, and pay for a hotel room on their own, is just ridiculous. Not to mention it’s on a Friday, so you (and your husband) need to take the time off work to get there, and your husband has already made it clear that that isn’t happening.
I think your best bet would be to call the bride as soon as possible and let her know that you’re unable to make it. I know a lot of brides on here will try and guilt you into going because “OMG!! She’s, like, totally paid for your meal already!!!1!!” But it sounds as though it really is just going to be too difficult for you to go, so let her know ASAP and make sure you explain why: “I feel so bad that I said I could make it, but now that we’ve just gotten back from our honeymoon and I realise only have 2 PTOs until the end of the year, I’m scared to take the day off because of the way this pregnancy is wearing me out.”
Make sure you apologise, and let her know that you would, under any other circumstances, love to be there, and would love to catch up with her and her fiance/husband (yes, you have to), once things settle down for you and your husband, but this Friday is just going to be too exhausting for you on top of everything else you’re dealing with.
She may be pissed about having paid for your meal already (from my time on here, I gather it’s a mortal insult to not come to a wedding when you’ve said you will), but make the effort to send her a gift anyway (by not going, you’re up $500 anyway!). Also, and this should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, I wouldn’t recommend posting on facebook about you and your husband going to another wedding on Saturday. While you have valid reasons for missing the Friday wedding, it would just hurt her if she found out you went to another wedding instead of hers.
Post # 7
If you weren’t pregnant I’d say suck it up buttercup. Since you’re pregnant, the health of you and your baby is paramount, and I think you can get away with @LadyElva: ‘s suggestion – a prrofuse apology and a very generous gift. Call her as soon as possible, it may be possible to tell the caterer even at this late stage.
Needless to say it would have been far better to reply earlier, and she probably won’t like it, but I think it’s preferable to putting your body through this.
Post # 8
I think you need to go. You RSVPed yes, knowing full well your wedding date, your leave situation, your pregnancy, and your husbands feelings on going. You knew the cost, and the effort it would take, when you replied yes. I think you need to go, because you made the decision to go weeks ago and told her. It’s not like you’re flaking out on a casual lunch – this is someone’s wedding. Your husband should also man up and go with you, to be honest.
Post # 9
Also, if it’s not too late for her to tell the caterer, she may still have some friends who can come at the last minute. My wedding’s still a over a year away, but I have quite a few friends in the area who aren’t on the immediate guestlist (damn family taking all the spaces), but who could come, even with only a day or two notice.
Post # 10
I really don’t think pregnancy should be used as the excuse since the OP was fully aware of what stage she would be at when she replied weeks ago. It’s simply just not conveinant for her anymore which is pretty sad. This girl made it a point to be at her wedding right before her own wedding when I’m sure she had plenty of other things that she could have been doing with her time.
Post # 11
@LadyElva: If I read the OP right, this girls wedding is tomorrow. I’d wager a bet that it’s much too late to do anything about it besides pay for the rude guests who plan on blowing her off after they’ve confirmed that they’ll be attending.
Post # 12
@UpstateCait: All of this!!
And as mentioned by PP, your friend probably had a million other things to do for her day but still attended yours. Just out of curiosity, why did you RSVP anyway? I’m certain if you had declined, your friend would’ve understood. But she’s already paid for you to eat so you should do the right thing!
Post # 13
@j_jaye: I agree that this was poor planning on my part. I should have declined, but when I RSVPd in June all of this seemed feasible but now I just really don’t want to. I don’t think that her driving with her FI and staying with friends is the same as me driving alone while pregnant and paying for a hotel, though.
As for blaming he bride…yes, I do. I blame her for insisting for months that she would have a November wedding then booking for the week after mine and on a work day. I am not happy about the logistical sacrifices I will need to make to be at her wedding. I don’t blame her for my being pregnant or sober.
@UpstateCait: She went to support me so she could see how I decorated. She never wanted to talk about our weddings until a couple of weeks ago when she said “I’m so excited to see your venue and your decorations!”…not “I’m so excited to come to your wedding!” or “I’m so excited for you and Chris!”. I think that it’s awesome that she came to support me, but I really don’t care that she booked her wedding a week after mine after knowing my date for three months before she booked hers – she knew what to expect when she set her date, whereas I was just thrown into this logistical nightmare.
I did not RSVP for DH. He’s been to her hometown once with me and said that he would never go back so I knew he wouldn’t go. I figured that I could drive with a friend but the other person going from our area is a BM and is going early.
Post # 14
A six hour drive is a long way to go by yourself. If you think there’s a chance you can be there, you should go. If you just don’t feel like you can make it, then you need to call her right away and let her know. (You can always say you haven’t been feeling well and don’t want to get anyone else sick or something.) If you do not go, ask her how much your place at the wedding cost her and send her the money to cover it right away. And since you’ll be saving money by not going, I think a generous gift with a heartfelt note of congratulations is in order, and perhaps an offer to meet up for lunch once things have settled down.
Post # 15
You rsvp’ed yes. If you were still so upset she had the nerve to schedule her wedding close to yours, that was your chance to say no, and use any old excuse you wanted. But you didn’t. Suck it up and go.
Post # 16
@UpstateCait: I do believe you’re right. I’m awful at keeping track of days! Wait…that means I have an assignment due tomorrow
Anyway, it still doesn’t change my stance. The OP does not want to drive six hours while pregnant, on her own and with all the stuff going on for her in the immediate wake of her wedding, she’s clearly bitten off more than she could chew. Did she think she could make it to the wedding when she RSVPed several weeks ago? Sure. Does she think she can make it now? Nope! She made a decision, turns out it was the wrong one, and I don’t think she should have to put herself through driving all that way if she doesn’t feel up to it, simply because she said she would.
If all the reasons for going boil down to “Your meal has been paid for,” then send her a cash gift of what you believe the meal cost her. Problem solved.
It’s strange that everyone seems to think not coming to a wedding = rudeness, blowing off the bride and groom, and not caring about the wedding. If you can’t do something, then you can’t do it. Apologise to the people concerned, explain your situation, hope they understand, and do what you have to do.