Post # 1
Nothing is causing me more stress than trying to pick my bridesmaids. My two best friends and my aunt are hands down going to be in my wedding.. no questions asked. They mean more to me than anything. I am going to ask my SO’s sister too, even though she is kind of odd and will probably decline… we are still going to be family I would be honored if she said yes. (I’m not holding my breath though…) Then there my friend L. I don’t even know where to begin.
L and I have been friends for 6 years. We were room mates in college and she helped me snag the job I have now – in her company. Which means we work together every.single.day. We also have the same group of friends and are constantly hanging out. She is deff one of my closest friends and has told me in no uncertain terms that she expects to be AND would like to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. And to be honest – I would love to have her as one.
Here is the problem with L. L has recently been a Maid/Matron of Honor in 2 weddings – her sister’s and her childhood BFF. L has done nothing but complain to me about both of their weddings. She never once talked about how happy she was for her sister or her friend that they were getting married and viewed being a Bridesmaid or Best Man as a huge burden. She complained about the cost of the dresses, the style of the dresses, the drama that the brides were causing (both brides IMO are not very dramatic LOL), etc. She complained about everything for the shoes she had to wear to the fact that her BFF is having a dry wedding (she told me she is going to sneak booze in for herself). She complained that her friend spent too much money on flowers and her sister hired a crappy DJ. Although she was Maid/Matron of Honor in both weddings she refused to throw a bridal shower or a bachelorette party for either girl.
My heart goes out to both of these brides. I don’t consider myself a very demanding person, and I will not be asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, so she will not have to throw the bridal shower or bachelorette party, but I do want someone who is going to be happy with me and for me and not complain about every little detail in my wedding. I want someone who will be excited to help the Maid/Matron of Honor plan these parties and who won’t complain about dresses, flowers, music, and so on.
She is a very dear friend of mine and I would honestly love to have her stand with me on my wedding day, but now having seen how she acted as a Maid/Matron of Honor to her friend and her own sister… it makes me want to rethink my decision. When she makes some complaint about her sister or friend I say “Wow, I hope you wouldn’t feel that way if you were in my wedding!” and she laughs it off and says things like “Oh no, you’re different! I would love to be in your wedding!” I have trouble saying no to people and breaking bad news so part of me says I should just suck up her nonsense and tell her she’s in. My Maid/Matron of Honor keeps telling me it’s a bad idea and she is only going to cause me some serious grief during the very stressful wedding planning times.
Anyways, I keep flip flopping on my decision, but I thought I would reach out to the hive and see what you would do if in a similar situation. Also, I just realized how long this was so if you actually made it through this whole thing… THANKS for reading!
Post # 3
I would talk to her about the situation, I would say I really want you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but I’m a little worried about asking you because of ( name all the reasons you stated above). Just tell her you consider her a very good friend and would honestly love for her to be in your Bridal Party but you want her to be happy too. You know make it sound like you empathize with her so she gets your point but isnt insulted or whatever
Post # 4
My Maid/Matron of Honor told me that after my wedding it was very relaxing and simple to be a “regular” bridesmaid in another wedding the following month. Yes there was stress about the dress, drama, not liking the colors etc. But after being Maid/Matron of Honor it was nice just to have to show up.
I’d talk with her and let her know that she’s special but if it’s too much (money, time etc) that you’re fine with doing something else – handing out programs, reading, usher etc.
Post # 5
I agree with FutureMrsChaney. Talk to her about it and make it sound like she’d be doing YOU a favor by declining. If you’ve already got colors and everything picked out, let her know, but watch her reactions to when you’ve told her what FutureMrsChaney said.
If her expression turns sour, be really apologetic like “oh, wow, I am so sorry! These are my most favorite colors and we both agreed we just HAD to use them!!!”
kill her with sweetness and kindness.
and, you can even offer the “You know, I know how busy you are and understand if you can’t stand with me. I’d hate for you to become over-stressed by it all!”
Since you work with her, making enemies really wouldn’t be a good thing. You could even give her the option that if she doesn’t like something she’s free to talk to you about it. (Just don’t say you’ll change it for her, lol).
Post # 6
I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man at a friend’s wedding and she told me she expected to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man at mine. She is a really close friend but I told her that she couldn’t. I only want two people, I have two sisters I’m close to. Case closed. If you don’t want her to be in your wedding, then let her know. I don’t think her attitude is going to change magically if you ‘oh so gently’ categorize her flaws and the reasons why she can’t be in your wedding. If I were you, tell her you don’t want a big wedding party. Case closed.
Post # 7
You need to decide if you’re willing to put up with the potential stress she will cause you during the planning process. It’s critical to have people around you who are nothing but loving and supportive and HAPPY to be doing all teh Bridesmaid or Best Man duties. And since you two are sort of in each others faces all the time by design, you should really think carefully about this before deciding. I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man like this but it worked out because she lives a 4 hour plane ride away and couldn’t even make it to all the wedding events. So she really only bought her dress and showed up for the wedding and as a result we avoided all of the drama.
If you decide not to have her, I wouldn’t necessarily pull her aside to explain. Telling her why is not a good idea because you will be basically critisizing her to her face and girls especially don’t take too kindly to that. If she asks, I’d just say something like “Oh, we wanted to keep our wedding parties small. It avoids a lot of unnecessary drama!” And hopefully she’ll be understanding and take the hint.
Post # 8
She may have just complained alot because thats what women do (read our boards!! 🙂 ) Better she vented to you then to the brides that she was the Maid/Matron of Honor for!
Im in a wedding soon, and i hate the colour and hate where it is…to be honest i hate everything about it! Do i tell the bride that nope! never! not in a million years, do i vent to my Boyfriend or Best Friend about it and husbad…absolutley…being in a wedding party isnt all glits and glamour..sometimes it just really sucks. Im really really happy for my friend though, cause although her dream wedding isnt mine, she is marrying a stellar guy and thats what im happy about. Lets remember its always easier to complain then it is to be “happy”.
The one thing that concerns me though is that she didnt throw and shower or stagette, thats kind of lame. So i WOULD talk to her about it (but if she isnt the Maid/Matron of Honor then it doesnt matter anyways)
I hope you can figure something out!!! Good luck!
Post # 9
I agree that being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is way different than being a Maid/Matron of Honor. When I was in so many high stress weddings (which caused me to complain to friends/coworkers) I would never have said “I want to be in your wedding” to anyone. I was grateful that my other close girlfriends weren’t that close the marriage and my only sister was married. I think sometimes girls just complain to have something to talk about. I would check with her first and make sure she REALLY wants to, but she’ll probably be happy to have less responsibility.
Post # 10
Thanks everyone! Even though she would not be my Maid/Matron of Honor it bothers me that she did not put any effort in for her friend or sister. I mean, she basically was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for them. She bought a dress and showed up. These were not high stress weddings!!!! And yet, she complained every step of the way! (@Baileyh: I probly should have stated that she complained to the brides about all this too… It’s not just something she came to me to vent about, she told them everything that she told me.)
I think I will tell her that we want to keep the wedding party small (he is only having 3 guys on his side regardless of how many girls I have) and have her help out with other duties… I also know that she is not in the best place financially so I can explain that she will be saving some mucho $$ by not being in the wedding LOL. I would love to have her involved still, so I will probably ask her to do a reading.
I agree with you @moderndaisy: I can get pretty sensitive sometimes and I stress myself out over stupid things…. I don’t need a Bridesmaid or Best Man adding to that.
Post # 11
Since we are having a small wedding it seemed like all of the gang could be in the wedding party or none of the gang. So we are having his son/daughter as our witnesses and the rest of our friends/family are guests. That being said I am requesting the guests to wear blue (or black, or red, or orange- lol havent decided yet) so when the photos are taken- it will look like an awesome wedding group
Post # 12
@Tiny Tina…h my goodness!!! if she complained to the BRIDES abut everything!! dont have her. Thats so so so so wrong.
I agree though, just say you are keeping it small, she will probably be upset but she will get over it 🙂
Post # 13
I think Baileyh may have a point: she could just be venting to other people outside of the wedding. When people are venting you usually just get the down side, while she might be very happy for the women she’s standing with.
Also, I would be hesitant to talk to her about your concerns over asking her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man. Most people do not want to hear the truth, and she might get really offended if you tell her how she came across to you when she was talking/complaining about the other weddings she was in.
I would decide one way or another. If you chose no I’d either tell her you’re having a small wedding party, or really want even numbers of Bridesmaid or Best Man and Groomsmen or something along those lines. If you decide to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man I’d let her know the expectations up front, and give her an out if it will be stressfull or too time consuming for her.
Post # 14
I would just caution you that if you want your MOH/BMs to plan any parties for you, you should be explicit about that when you ask them. There is a wide variety of expectations, and some believe it to be their duty only to wear what is instructed and show up on the day. You want to come to a common understanding early, because this seems to be a subject of much wedding party drama.
Post # 15
@retreadbride: That’s a really sweet idea! Unfortunately I am having over 100 guests, so I wouldn’t really be able to go that route!! I guess I could tell her she could dress in a similar color as the BMs if she wants to feel included… I really don’t care about who wears what colors at my wedding.
@Baileyh: Ack! I know… when she told me she told her BFF that she was spending way too much on her flowers and that she should have gotten fake flowers instead I wanted to just go find the BFF and give her a huge hug… Can you imagine?!
Post # 16
You could just limit the Bridesmaid or Best Man to your sisters, aunt, & Future Sister-In-Law. Then you could tell her you would have loved to have asked her, but are keeping it to only family.
I know one of my friends thought she’d be in my wedding, but when I told her I was only having my sister, it was the end of the story. Of course, she was really critical of everything about my wedding until I had her son as my Ring Bearer. That worked out perfectly. She was distracted by him and still had a vested interest in helping!