Post # 1
so as most of you know, my guy and I agreed awhile ago that we are engaged, its just a matter of him paying off my ring now which kindof ‘seals the deal’ so to speak.
since then hes lost his job and finding work in our area hasnt been going so well. we’ve always lived apart in our 4.5 years of dating. i have a 10 year old son and i go to culinary arts school part time.
he just got a really good oppurtunity to work in the oil field but its in a different city 7 hours away. he would be working pretty long hours and there wouldnt be many breaks to come back to visit our city.
he asked me to move down there with him, but im feeling uneasy about it. ive never lived with a man before and ive always told myself i wouldnt until theres rings involved. plus it would mean transferring my son to a school there as well as finding a culinary school in that area. its alot of sacrifice on my part for him to be more financially stable.
i just dont want to end up in one of those situations where we live together and theres still no ring or marriage on the horizon and he gets way too comfortable. so i need feedback here. what would you do if you were in my shoes?
Post # 3
Have you discussed that with him? Remember though finances are a large reason for divorce. It is a lot to sacrifice especially without the ring, but even with the ring it’s a lot to sacrifice, but if you’re sure he’s the one… What’s holding you back other than fear? I’d suggest talking to him about your thoughts on living together before the ring, but I wouldn’t say rule it out all together. Marriage takes compromise and sacrifices from each end, and stabalizing his finances will help the both of you out in the long run and could make him more willing to pop the question once he feels he can at least support himself and help you in the relationship. From what I’ve read and seen, when a man is not financially stable it can cause him to put off proposals even if he’s 110% sure she’s the one. It’s a guy macho “Me man, me provide for family” thing I think lol
Post # 4
Ooft, that’s a hard one.
However, if you already have the commitment of engagement, that should be what’s important, not a ring, right? But I myself probably wouldn’t be happy without the physical symbol.
Sorry, I’m trying to see it from all angles and can’t make up my mind!
One option: start paying some towards it yourself? Especially if he’s lost his job, he’s not going to have much spare money.
Alternatively, he takes the job, and you move to join him once he’s paid off the ring? But I would prepare for him to maybe be a bit upset that you feel you need the ring first before moving.
I’m not sure what I’d do in your position, but I wish you all the best.
Post # 5
That is hard. Coming from someone who’s lived with their SO for 3 years and is still waiting for a ring, I know that it is hard to be in that position. At the same time, I wouldn’t want to be in a 7-hour long distance relationship if I’ve been with someone for 4.5 years and know he’s the one. Since there is a child involved, your situation is trickier than a normal long-term relationship. In my opinion, the ring does not change anything when it comes to knowing something is for-sure. That is why I have been with my SO for 3 years and have been waiting for the right time to make it “official.” People can get divorced, engagements break off, nothing is guaranteed. I think what is important is trust and faith in the other person and being able to communicate. If you feel he is “the one” I bet the two of you can come to a decision that works for both of you. If the ring is what is important, maybe you should ask for a “placeholder” ring that is not expensive but something to confirm the engagement and make you feel comfortable. You can always get your dream ring later on when he is more financially secure. For that matter, you can even get married in a small courthouse ceremony to make it “official” before you and your son move down there. No matter what, just do what feels right to you! He should do the same! Best of luck!!!
Post # 6
Me and Boyfriend or Best Friend have discussed this situation (been dating 3 years, living together for almost a year, talking about engagment before 2013) and he’s asked what I would do if he was relocated. I said that if we had to move out ot state for his job I would need a ring and an official engagement, but if it was in-state and I was still near my family then it wouldn’t be as big of a deal (Maryland is pretty small, if you travel more than 2-3 hours you’re out of state) and he thought that was totally fair. I think it’s acceptable to want an official sign of commitment before uprooting your whole life, especially since you have a child involved.
Post # 7
Why not let him move by himself and get established? Then you and your son can finish out the school year where you are. He should know whether his job is stable or not by then and then you can reevaluate the situation. He should understand that you have loose ends to tie up before your able to move anyways. If it is important to you to show your son that you aren’t relying on a man then maybe you can take this opportunity to explain what love is and that sometimes sacrifices need to be made for the good of the whole family. He’s at a good age for a lesson like that. Good luck!
Post # 8
If you didn’t have a child I would say go for it. However there is a child involved so I say absolutely not.
Post # 9
If I were you I would wait a bit, see if you can secure schooling for yourself…see how your son feels about it, and then, speak to your SO about it. I wouldn’t move unless rings are involved either, but you can always stay back and follow him once you have things planned out…
Post # 10
I probably wouldn’t go without a ring either for the sole purpose of having to give up everything you know. Moving is a serious step. Maybe it would be best if he went down there first, started working and got established before you join him there. That gives you some time to figure out your sons schooling, your schooling and for him to start making some money and a home for you guys. I think there has to be compromise on both sides but I wouldn’t jump into it without serious talks about what the future holds for you two.
Post # 11
I agree with the other Bees to stay, finish out the school year, and maybe follow him in a few months when things are more settled. I would give that advice even if you were married already. I actually know of 2 married couples who are currently living apart temporarily because of job opportunities in different parts of the country (in both cases they’ll be back together within a year).
Post # 12
@dcdt212: I agree with this. Finish the school year, let your SO become established, and see where things are at by summer.
Personally though, I wouldn’t be willing to move myself and a child without an official engagement.
Post # 13
@hisgoosiegirl: My mindset is the same.
Post # 14
Well if he already has the ring picked out, I’d move with him. But that’s just me. My SO works in the oilfield and yes he works a ton (I’m talking 12-16 hours a day) but the pay is excellent. Also if he’s making more money it may put him in the state of mind where he feels like he can really provide for you and his future family with you, and might make him more willing to propose. Just a thought.
Post # 15
@txbella: I am in the same position as you. My SO has a ring he is making payments on, and he is moving across country for a job that starts in 4 weeks. I have made it clear to him: I love him, I love my time with him, I am so happy to think of spending our lives together. HOWEVER, I have also made it just as clear that I will not be moving, or even looking for jobs until there is a ring on my finger. To make it less severe-sounding, I word it something like this to him and family/friends: “I love SO, but moving so far…away from family, friends and my job and life here is a HUGE sacrifice, and something I am not comfortable doing until we have made the next step of committment towards each other.”
Do not be afraid to stand your ground…I think you would feel moments of regret if you did move before having that finalized committment. And that is something I would not wish for you. Good luck!
Post # 16
thanks to everyone for your input, it gave me a plan of what i want to do. i just dont want him to be offended that i wont move because of the ring, but hes known how i feel about cohabitating without taking the next step for a long time now. so in away i feel hes hoping ill change my mind under the current circumstances.
so i think ive decided that ill let my son finish up school for now and revisit moving afterwards. but thats gonna be a hard few months without my SO.
im gonna let him get settled there, and see if its something stable enough where he will be there long term. hes also in a bind now with being 20k in debt, so i figure with the money he will be making he should be able to resolve that by this summer, and hopefully pay off the ring by then.
i just hope he understands. we’ll see.