Post # 1
Hi bees, I just need to talk to someone.
I’m so beyond upset right now and crying my eyes out. My Fiance has been so mean to me the past couple of days, or I should say off and on for months now. One day we’re fine and the next he just wakes up in some kind of mood and decides to blame me for having an attitude or being negative or something like that when I haven’t said a word, or I’m just tired and am getting ready for the day. He doesn’t hold my hand hardly at all anymore, he hasn’t said that I look beautiful in I dont know how long unless I ask him how I look, like asking for a compliment, and whenever we have plans he gets in a mood like today.
Today we were meeting with the caterer and for some reason right before we left the house he decides to get mad or upset at me for whatever reason when I hadn’t done anything, so I applogoze anyway and ask if we can just have a good day and get on with it because I didn’t want to leave the house in a bad mood. He agreed, we kiss and say sorry and leave. Then when we get to the place he’s in his mood again, bringing up stupid s**t that happened like yesterday, for no reason. So this puts me in an extremely upset mood and I’m trying to hold the tears back right before the caterer shows up.
Everytime we go to meet with people for the wedding he does this. He blames me for being in a certain mood, when I’m completely happy and looking forward to meeting with these people, and he just doesnt let me be in that good mood and I dont understand why.
So we get back home, he’s still mad at me, comes up with more ways to be pissed at me, then storms off and leaves for work without saying bye or anything. Then 15 minutes after he gets to work he calls me and says “Do you want to talk or not” and all he says is how I upset him, he didnt appologize or anything for upsetting me all day, and so I appologize even though I shouldnt have to. He leaves me on the phone crying not even caring about how I feel. So now, he doesnt get off work till 2am and I really dont want to see him when he gets home.
I dont know whats going on, but I dont deserve this. He’s making me miserable right now, it’s like I cant be happy. And there’s no communicating when hes in these moods because everything is my fault. I’m just so upset and needed to vent a little. Sorry it was so long :'(
Post # 3
That definitely does not sound nice or fair…I’m sorry he’s being such a downer and making you upset. Do you guys typically have issues communicating? He’s allowed to be in a bad mood, obviously, but it’s not ok for him to take it out on you or make you feel so bad when you haven’t done anything.
Also, the fact that this always happens right before you meet with wedding people makes me think that it might have something to do with the fact that he’s stressed about the wedding, feeling anxious about it/paying for it/hving the wedding (not that he doesn’t want to marry you, just that the whole shindig can be stressful!!). Have you guys spent any time together where you haven’t talked about the wedding at all? Like a fun no-wedding weekend, where you go somewhere new (restaurant, mini vacation, etc) and don’t mention anything related to the wedding?
Post # 4
Oh sweetie, how long has this been going on? Has he always had this kind of way about him – and you are noticing it more because of wedding stuff? Or, is this completely new behavior?
Step 1: Stop apologizing. It isn’t helping and it is giving him all the control. It’s ok to feel bad because he is upset, but if you didn’t do anything then don’t apologize.
Step 2: You need to let him know how much this is upsetting you. How you don’t understand what makes the switch flip for him. You don’t know how you are upsetting him so much. What else is going on with him that could be stressing him out – work? Family? Maybe he’s getting cold feet?
Step 3: Figure out what else is going on. This is an optional step, but sometimes these attitude changes happen because he is trying to cover something up. Has he been distant? Has he been texting a lot? Has he been working over time? Has he been going out more? I wouldn’t rule out anything at this point.
Most of all, I hope you are ok. This isn’t your fault!
Post # 5
I think that this happens a lot during the wedding planning process. It seems like every time we are about to meet with someone or check out a place, we get in some stupid fight. I don’t know if it is because I am so stressed about it all, and he is more like ” I really dont care”. Who knows…
I think you should just try to calm yourself down and once you two are in a good moment with eachother- talk it out and explain yourself. I realized that texting or talking when someone is at work is the worst thing you can do.
As women, we are so emotional and if we don’t hear what we want…it will effect the rest of our day. 🙁 Im sorry, but know you are not alone.
Post # 6
It sounds like he’s projecting his own stuff on to you. Perhaps he’s stressed out about the wedding or marriage, or maybe it’s something totally unrelated, but clearly he’s got something eating at him that he’s not telling you about and it’s coming out sideways. Wait until you are both calm and talk to him about it.
ETA I agree with Backyardlovebird, stop aplogizing if you have done nothing to apologize for. He needs to own his behaviour, and you making exscuses and shifting the blame onto yourself is not going to solve anything. It just keeps burying the real issue.
Post # 7
@agirlwithdreams7: I agree, I think something about the wedding is stressing him out. You two need to get to the root cause of the problem because it sounds like he is glossing over what is really making him upset.
Since he is all over the place right now it might be a good idea to speak to a councilor either together or seperately (at first) to help smooth over the issue. You might try your church or some other supportive neutral 3rd party.
Post # 8
@hilsy85: that’s exactly how it feels, he’s allowed to be upset all he wants to, but I’m not allowed to be. As soon as I am, he hits me with something else that “I did wrong”. and he just now called me again, I thought that this time would be to appologize so we could move on and get over it, nope! He didnt call to see how I was he called to tell me again, how upset he is and blah blah. It’s so frustrating and UGH!.
We have time apart from wedding planning all the time, and we still end up fighting about something stupid. He blames me for acting a certain way, being mad at him when I’m not at all, I just want to be quiet. So I really dont know whats going on but if I even try to tell him how upset I am it just doesnt help. it’s like I have to keep to myself and then finally cry and let it out once he goes to bed. 🙁 I’m hoping this all stops and we can be happy together again, because this is really pushing me away from him.
Post # 9
He’s stressed out about the wedding and is finding fault with you as a way of alleviating his own guilt. You two need to talk before you do anything further. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 10
@BackyardLoveBird: He has been this way for about a year now. It’s not anything new and stress from his job along with our living situation, our sex life etc isnt helping his moods and what not, but still. I know that I need to be careful when it comes to looking for signs of something else that may be going on. He does work overtime, but hes a janitor at night, and its normal for him to stay overtime since he works in a plant and things happen there, so thats not unusual. He doesnt have texting at all, and I check his phone so nothing going on there either. basically, other than the same stress Im under, but less, there’s no reason for him to treat me this way. its very frustrating and upsetting.
Post # 11
@chittychittybanebane: thanks. I know that we need to calm down and get in a happy place to talk, but he strings his moods on for so long, and then once I get happy he makes a joke about how grumpy I am or brings up the stupid s*** again, which puts me right back into a bad mood. I dont know why he does it either, he appologizes, we decide to move on, then he wants to do something else to make me feel bad. =/
@Ms.Peach: thanks, and I know I need to stop appologizing. I also know that we need to calm down before we talk but its impossible to do since he strings everything along so much (read above)^ its so upsetting, because he can tell me how he feels, but when I say how hurt I am he makes me feel even worse about it and just throws something back in my face. ugh.
Post # 12
@agirlwithdreams7: It sounds like he’s being a bit of an emotional blackmailer. You need to call him on it. Plain and simple. Unless you are willing to deal with it forever, nip it. Now. If you can’t wait for him to be in a better mood, then don’t. It may be a fight, but sometimes fights are good.
Post # 13
@agirlwithdreams7: I agree that it sounds like you’re both under a lot of stress. You’ve brought up a lot of stuff (like your sex life, crazy work schedules, etc); the wedding is probably just adding to everything.
To me (and this is just my opinion), it sounds like both you aren’t communicating. He may be bringing up past stuff and rehashing old arguments, but is it possible that he just thinks that you guys are fighting about the same stuff over and over (even if the actual topics are different) again? He’s not being AT ALL fair to you in attacking you and doing this, I’m just wondering if he thinks no one is listening. Of course you’re going to be in quiet mood if you feel like he’s going to jump down your throat.
My husband and I have used the following discussion tricks before: You agree to listen to each others’ arguments or points of view, without interrupting! So, you go first and tell him why you’re upset. He then says “I hear that you’re upset about…..” and that way you know that he’s a least heard you. There are no excuses or “buts” here. Feelings are feelings. You should also use a lot of I statements: “I feel like when you jump on me first thing in the morning….” Then switch. We’ve found that this works when we’re fighting.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Planning a wedding is tough enough. You guys should be on the same page.
Post # 14
@agirlwithdreams7: You say this has been going on for a year….how long have you guys been engaged?
Post # 15
And men think women are confusing?! Lol. Hope you guys can figure things out. My fiance was feeling really stressed about all the wedding things going on and we would get into little fights about it. Sounds kind of similar to what is going on with you and your Fiance. We sat down and talked and he feels overwhelmed when that seems to be all we talk about anymore. We both come from divorced families so marriage was something he’s always been a little weary of.
After having a completely honest and open conversation where neither of us yelled or got mad at each other we’ve been able to put all the worry aside and figure out a plan to keep us both less stressed.
Post # 16
“he just wakes up in some kind of mood and decides to blame me for having an attitude or being negative or something like that when I haven’t said a word”
Next time he does this, ask him to state specifically what is coming across as negative or having an attitude. If he can’t think of anything, you have your proof for him that he’s just projecting his own crappy mood onto you. If he tries to bring up something that happened yesterday or last week or however long ago, tell him that’s not the issue and you want to know the reason he’s being pissy to you at this moment. If there was no trigger, again, he’s just projecting.
Don’t apologize when you know you’ve done nothing to aggravate this behavior,; start making him realize that his problem is not with you. It sounds like seeing you carefree and happy is making him feel anger and jealousy because he’s stressed out, and he’s trying to take you down a notch so he’s not the only miserable one.
Out of curiosity, has he ever been checked out for anxiety problems? My ex used to act very similarly to what you’re describing, and it turned out he had General Anxiety Disorder. It was easier for him to act like I was the one with the problem rather than admit to himself that his views of the world were skewed.