Post # 1
I’m pretty desperate for advice here, I would really appreciate any at all!
I’m an introvert. I’m not shy at all, but I am quiet and pensive. If you’re an introvert, you know that everyone is always acting like there’s something wrong with you for being yourself. It took me a long time to realize that the way I am is okay. One reason why was that in every relationship I’ve ever had, the guy got really frustrated with my being quiet. A few boyfriends have broken up with me because of it, including my husband back when we were dating. After being apart a long time we got back together, and it no longer seemed to be an issue. I thought he had just learned to accept it.
But apparently not. He’s a really nice person and not being mean at all, but he is often frustrated and disappointed by my inability to constantly entertain him with conversation. It is really hurtful, because I don’t feel that I can do anything to change it. I’ve become anxious whenever there is silence, trying to come up with something to say when I have nothing and would rather not. It’s unnatural and draining. And it hurts so much to feel like I’m always disappointing him. I’m becoming resentful of his inability to accept me for who I am.
On top of this, he never wants sex. Ever. I’m sorry for the way this may sound, but I’m pretty hot. And there’s no medical problem or anything, he just isn’t attracted to me. The few times we have had sex I had to do all the “work.” He doesn’t care to seduce me at all. I feel like the reason is connected to his general boredom with me.
I don’t know how to excite him. I don’t know how to be “fun.” I put on a fake smile whenever someone asks, “How’s married life?” when really I’m dying inside with a newlywed husband who’s just not that into me.
Are any of you in introvert-extrovert relationships? Or just have any strategies on how to avoid boring your mate? Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
Okay, I hate when I read a post and all the bees say “go to counseling”..
But in this case, I think it’s the best thing to help save your marriage, especially if you dont particularly enjoy or feel comfortable with in-depth conversation. I would look for a good therapist in your area to help sort out ALL the feelings going on because it seems like it could be a lot.
Post # 4
How did you end up marrying each other? Has it always been this way?
Post # 5
@mockblock: +1 I’m wondering the same thing. Maybe you can give us a little more insight OP?
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How long have you been married?
Post # 7
It sounds like there were issues that should have been addressed before marriage. That ship’s sailed already, so I agree with others that counseling’s the way to go. It sounds like you want to give things a fair shot, so do what you can to satisfy that. If in the end it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know you tried.
I’m sorry for all you’re going through right now. Honestly it sounds like he’s the one with issues here, it’s not you.
Post # 8
@mockblock: @sablemuse: Sorry if it was unclear: It was an issue when we first dated, and the reason we broke up. Then we got back together and it didn’t seem to be an issue anymore– it never came up, so I thought he had learned to accept it. Then when we got married, he started feeling/expressing frustration again.
@tampalove35: Thank you, I know that will help. It will just probably be hard to convince him. In-depth conversation is actually great for introverts– it’s small talk, fluff, and just talking to stir things up that we can’t stand!
Post # 9
@Brielle: A year next month.
@abirdword: Thanks, I hope I can get him to go.
Post # 10
@anon4: Well when you got back together, didn’t you have one of those talks about “I know I broke up with you because of this, but I was being silly and I don’t want that to get in between us..” or did you just kind of fall back into things no questions asked?
I honestly don’t think he’s “bored” with you. If you were so boring he wouldn’t have pursued you.. twice.. and then proposed to you, and gone through with a wedding. It sounds to me as if there is something else wrong, and the fact that you are introverted has prevented you from getting it out on the open. Maybe you should ask him to sit down and communicate what he’s feeling? Or maybe you could start by writing what you’re feeling in a letter. I do this when I don’t really know how to start a conversation about something difficult with my FI.
Post # 11
@anon4: sounds like some level of incompatibility mixed with poor communication. I highly suggest the marriage counseling to get to the bottom of it and then even sex therapy to build/regain the intimacy.
I think you don’t know what he’s really thinking and he doesn’t know how you’re really feeling and conversations need to be had to resolve this. You two got married for a reason, remember what this is and hold on tight to it, I’m sure this is fixable and that you two will get past this.
Post # 12
I’m a total extrovert and FH is an introvert so I kind of get it, but I just accept that about him. We are comfortable being silent together and I do talk more than he does. When he talks do you listen? Thats big for me–I know he’s less talkative but if he doesnt listen I will get upset. But I don’t know if this sounds like its purely an issue of being introverted. Introverted doesn’t mean boring. I think counseling could be good because it seems like there may be a bigger issue.
Post # 13
I am so sorry 🙁
Have you asked him how he feels about sex, and why he never initiates? Do you feel he is truthful when he gives you an answer? I agree with other bees… it seems you need someone to talk to mutually and objectively.
Post # 14
I’m sure it must be heartbreaking to feel the way that you do after only a year of marriage. My DH and I also had a lot of stress factors in our marriage, and long story short, our first few years were no picnic either. However, we both were completely committed to making it work, and I am so thankful to be able to say that we are so much happier and more connected now, four years in, than we ever were at the point where you are now.
As I have said before to other newlywed bees, when we take those vows “for better and for worse,” we seldom expect the worse to come before the better. However, sometimes it does, and we have to be willing to press through the worse to ever reach the better.
I also think that counseling would be very beneficial to provide you and your DH with the understanding and tools that you will need to have a healthy and successful marriage. I know that my DH and I have learned so much about ourselves, each other, and our relationship, as a result of having been to counseling.
Post # 15
@sablemuse: @Happy Hopeful Bee: @BlondeMissMolly: @StephieBee: (My answers to all of you are related)
When we got back together we had a talk sort of like sablemuse said, not specifically addressing quietness, but he apologized a lot and said that he was committed to making it work.
Since we’ve been having these issues I have tried to talk with him lots of times. He seems to have trouble identifying his feelings (but I’m not sure if he’s actually holding something back to avoid hurting me). About the sex, first he said it was because I wear pajamas and stuff at home. So I got a bunch of skimpy clothes and starting wearing them around the house all the time– zero effect. I don’t believe this was the problem, I think there’s an emotional cause that he can’t sort out.
Thank you all so much for the encouraging words.
Post # 16
@Brielle: Thank you! It helps a lot to hear that. In a way there may be something to be said for having major problems earlier rather than later. Maybe it will help us remember to look forward and be hopeful.