He's getting a mortgage without me :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Do you guys have joint finances?  Or does he pay you for groceries/etc and you pay him for rent?  Are you paying half the rent?  Whose name is on the apt lease?

Post # 4
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t think either of you are totally wrong. My fiance bought a house after we’d been together a little over a year, and the fact that I wasn’t on the mortgage wasn’t much of an reflection of his commitment to me. On the other hand, if you won’t have to contribute to the mortgage, then you shouldn’t have to budget as if you where. You’re probably better off not being on the mortgage with someone you’re not currently married to.  However, if you’re at the point now where you couldn’t raise part of a downpayment, you might want to consider tightening your belt anyway. And, I’d double check that his father intended the money for him and not for you both.

Post # 5
Member
4867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

How is your money arranged right now? Separate or joint accounts, do you split the bill, etc. If you have separate bank accounts I don’t see how you tightening your belt is going to help with anything if the money you’ll be saving isn’t going towards the house.

 

Have you had an open conversation with him about how you’re feeling? I think you should. I’m guessing that in his head he knows he’s planning on proposing and then you’ll get married, so he probably isn’t even thinking about how it won’t benefit the two of you if you end up breaking up. But the thing with his dad is a red flag to me, and I really think you need to ask him about that – money equals strings/control. What does his dad expect to get out of paying half of the down payment for him? Is his dad just very well off and wants to do it as a gift (and in that case, I don’t see why you can’t benefit from it too – unless his dad has a problem with that and he’s going with his wishes over yours), or is his dad overbearing and going to feel like he gets say over your house and can come by whenever he wants since he helped pay for it? I had that issue with my ILs, they helped pay for a house my DH purchased before they even met and it was awful!

Post # 7
Member
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

When my husband and I were just dating my dad and I bought the house we live in. My husband’s name isn’t on the paperwork because we were just dating at the time. At the time it was comforting because I knew I’d have a place to live if we broke up. Well we got engaged, then married, and he’s still not on the paperwork but that’s just out of laziness. This name change paperwork takes so much time and can be a hassle. I guess I’ll have to go update it soon.

How do you two split finances? Who pays for what? If you’re paying for his mortgage then I agree that you have some claim to the house. How is your credit score? If you have bad or just okay credit then having your info on the papers can get him a higher interest rate which is a LOT of money when a house is involved.

Post # 9
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I definitely don’t think you should give up eating/cooking the way you want, but maybe don’t expect him to pitch in half.  Ask him what he wants to pay for food a month (make sure its reasonable) and understand that you’ll pay the rest if you want to continue eating/cooking the way you have been (which I totally understand wanting to do!)

Don’t pay anymore rent.  If he buys the house, make sure you’re paying fair rent.

Post # 11
Member
4867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Miss_DitsyD:  Putting someone on the mortgage after marriage is really not an easy thing to do, does he realize that? The thing about his dad talking him out of it till you’re married is pretty much what I suspected, and I don’t think it’s fair. If the money was a gift his dad should not get to have a say about who is on the mortgage. And if he tries to turn it around and say it was his idea, or that he agrees with his dad…the double standard still bothers me. You’re supposed to be okay with paying extra rent and tightening your belt financially with the assumption that the two of you will stay together and get married, but he doesn’t want to put you on the mortgage from the beginning in case you don’t stay together and get married? All around it would be a LOT easier to jsut purchase a house once the two of you are married. I know you said he’s already found a house he wants, but I would try to get him to wait if I were you, it seems like that’s what would make the most sense.

Post # 12
Member
2291 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

@Miss_DitsyD:  If your credit is below 700 then that will change things a lot when he goes to get the loan. Also the amount of debt you have like a car or student loans or credit  cards will have a big impact, too. That’s probably why he wants his dad on the paperwork, because dad probably has low debt and a high credit score.

It sounds like you two should sit down and figure out how much mortgage + insurance is going to cost and figure out what you can afford to contribute. Maybe instead of paying any rent you can just buy all of the groceries and do half of the utilities or something.

Do you have any say in the house he purchases? If you’re getting married then it will be your house too. My parents and I found the house we live in now, but I showed it to my boyfriend (now husband) and got his approval before we went forward with the deal. I was pretty confident we’d end up together and I wanted to make sure he liked the house.

Easy ways to cheapen your grocery bill are to eat vegetarian once or twice a week (think black bean burgers or stuffed mushrooms), eat more chicken instead of beef, and try to cook in bulk and freeze left overs. I’ll do a big thing of spaghetti sauce with ground turkey and end up with enough sauce for 4 plates of spaghetti and a big tub of leftover sauce that can be reheated a week or two later. Ground tukey is like $1.99/lb and ground beef is $3.99-5/pound, plus it’s healthier and if you cook it with beef broth it takes just like lean beef.

Post # 13
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

On the rent issue, you should see what the reasonable rate for rent in the new place is, amd pay that. If it’s too high, then have a talk with your partner about it. If the new place is nicer/more expensive, I see why your partner would ask you to pitch in some more.

Post # 14
Member
4218 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would not move in with him or pay rent in that situation. Your rent money is going to be going towards the mortgage. It’s not fair for him to be gaining equity off of you. Unless he wants to sign a legal agreement stating that he maintatin X amount of the home equity (the deposit) and you split the rest of the equity….

 

Post # 15
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Does he need your rent money in order to afford the mortgage?

Post # 16
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Well, this might come off sounding bad, but I will give you my advice anyways. In Canada, specifically British Columbia, in the eyes of the law you are considered “common law” after 6 months of living together. After 6 months, you are granted all the rights of a wife, including but not limited to, equal division of assets and spousal support if you break up. I would look into the “common law marriage” laws in England so you know your rights. I understand why he doesn’t want you on the mortgage, but he’s not really protected if you break up and get a lawyer. (in BC anyways) Now if he had bought the house BEFORE the two of you got together / were common law, he would be protected. However, that is not the case here. 

All this said, if FI and I broke up, I would never try to “take” something I didn’t earn, even though under the eyes of the law I’m entitled to it. This is why people with money in BC especially, do not move in with each other unless they are really, really sure about them.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors