- 2 weeks ago
(Posting this undercover because I’m pretty certain some friends in real life know I have a Wedding Bee account and post here)
My guy and I have been together for just over 3.5 years now. He is a wonderful man and I love him. Per our timeline he is going to propose sometime in the next 5 months because the 5 year anniversary of the day we met / had our first date is next year and it’s on a Saturday and we both know it would be the perfect day for a wedding.
He is the heir to his great-grandmother’s ring. When we first talked about getting engaged I said I’d let him know what style of rings I liked but he told me not to worry about it because he will use his great-grandmother’s ring. His great-grandfather gave it to her when they got engaged and she used it for both an engagement and wedding ring since they couldn’t afford anything else. Since then for the next two generations it was given to the oldest son for him to propose to his future wife. Both his grandfather and his father gave it to his grandmother and mother respectively. When the time comes his parents will give to him for him to propose to me.
It sounds romantic but honestly I am stressing because I know this sounds bad but I don’t like the ring at all. I saw it in pictures and didn’t like it but I thought I would feel different in person. His mom showed it to me once and it confirmed my feelings.
I know it sounds bad and I feel awful but I have tried and I can’t change my feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I have several reasons for not liking it: The main stone is bright green and it’s not a color I like at all. The stone is also fake and not a real gemstone. There are several small diamond looking stones on either side but they are fake as well and not diamonds or CZ or mossy or any other real stones. The gold plating on the ring is wearing off too, it’s not real gold and even if it covered or re-plated it will wear away again. His parents had it appraised and because it the stones are not real and it is gold plated the jeweler acknowledged while it is sentimental it has no value and if he had it he would sell it for $20 as costume jewellery.
It’s not about the worth or the ring being fake. I don’t need a huge expensive ring, it doesn’t even to be a diamond, it can be another stone or a mossy but I don’t like the ring at all or the cut and color of the stone and since everything in it is fake it is not even feasible or worth it money wise to put the stones in another ring and we can’t reuse the ring part because it is plated and not real gold.
I tried telling him I would be afraid to give it to me because I would lose it and then I would feel horrible and never forgive myself but he said I can just do like his grandmother, his mother and the other women in his family (and mine too) and not wear an engagement ring and just wear a wedding band instead and keep in ring in a safe place without fear of losing it. It’s true that not one of the women in his family or mine wear their engagement rings ever but I have never wanted to do that and I want to wear both all the time, even after I get married. But since that is not the norm in either of our families and it’s just not done my guy doesn’t see why I would want to. He says we’ll design our wedding bands together and while that is nice I have always wanted to wear my wedding and engagement rings together.
I thought maybe I could upgrade the ring or use it as a placeholder until I got another ring but when I brought it up to my guy he didn’t even know what upgrading was and thought it was tacky. I tested the waters by saying a friend of mine was getting her engagement ring upgraded (which was actually sort of true) and her husband was looking for suggestions on what she would like and asking her sisters and friends and my guy did not even know what upgrading was. I had to explain it to him and he was aghast and said it was tacky and would not be the same if it wasn’t the original ring that was proposed with. He said it was different if a ring was broken or lost in something like a robbery but not just because a woman wants something bigger or different. He talked about it at both a family gathering for him and later for me (just in a general sense, he didn’t bring me or my friend into it) and his family and my family all agreed with him. They had to have upgrading explained and thought it was tacky when they found out. So I know it will never happen with him. My guy is the only son from his parents and all of his sisters and cousins (both male and female) are either engaged already or are married so there is no one else for the ring to go to for me to say them/their girlfriend would like it better.
I feel so bad about this but I don’t like the ring and no matter what I try I cannot change it. I am so stressed and I can’t imagine never wearing my engagement ring and only wearing my wedding band because I never pictured myself doing anything else. I get a sting of envy when I see other women wearing rings that they love. I had the thought of “losing” the ring if he did propose but I felt guilty as soon as I thought of it and I pushed that thought out of my mind. I would never do that. His family and him would be truly heartbroken and I would never be able to get over the guilt. I know he won’t even consider giving a different ring (it has family history, lasted through two different wars that his great-grandfather and grandfather fought in and since he doesn’t think I need to wear it ever he won’t want to buy me anything else anyways) and the thought of not having an engagement ring to wear, and a ring I don’t like stresses me out or makes me upset.
I’m afraid to tell him I don’t want the ring (or that I want a different ring to wear as an engagement ring) because he will be angry and heartbroken and his family would be so offended. I get along great with them but they would be angry if I refused the ring or said I wanted another one to wear as an engagement ring. It is so sentimental to his family and he is so attached to it and thinks it is romantic to have a ring that is historical/old and has seen 3 lasting marriages. I am so stressed out I don’t even know what to do. I have cried thinking about getting it as my engagement ring. I feel so bad and even dumb at times because I know it shouldn’t matter and what is important is marrying the guy I love. But it does matter to me.
If anyone has some advice or even words of encouragement that would be great. Even if you tell me I’m being a brat who needs to give my head a shake if that’s what needs to be said. Thank you everyone.