He's going to propose w/ his great-grandmother's ring but I don't like it at all

posted 2 weeks ago in Rings
Post # 76
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’s weird he cares more about what the family thinks then what you think. 

Post # 77
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Oh I’m so sorry Bee! That is an awful situation to be stuck in. You don’t want to come off as a disrespectful FI to him and his family, but really you don’t like it. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do either since I don’t like that ring at all. Would it be possible to change out the stone or re-vamp the ring? Maybe explain it’s super old fashion and you like the sentimental meaning, just make it more modern…

 

Edit: after reading it again I didn’t know it was costume. I think it’s been put in his mind, almost like brain washing that this is the ring he’s going to propose to. He’s probably been dreaming of it all his life and to hear you don’t want it probably upset him. Still, it’s super insensitive him him to not put your feelings first. I agree with everyone and get your own ring and wear his ring for photos and keep it in the jewelry box.

Post # 78
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

beeb2323 :  If it were me, I would clarify that you would absolutely love if he PROPOSED with the ring, but you would like to get another ering one day in addition to the ring, something that can be worn everyday… 

Post # 79
Member
24 posts
Newbee

camenae :  

“So I have to ask, is this really about sentimental value or does he just not want to spend money on an e-ring–Which, there is NOTHING wrong with that, but I wish people would just own it and then have an adult DISCUSSION about it when their wants don’t align, rather than hide behind some glossy excuse and resort to trying to make other people feel bad. “

This. Exactly…

Post # 80
Member
2724 posts
Sugar bee

Say ok but I want a big ol 7 stone wedding ring. Then start to plan that bad boy beauty. 

Post # 81
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

I think part of the issue here is that he is holding a family tradition as sacred when it no longer works. To me, that shows an inflexibilty to change and adapt. I’m sure there are other traditions in his family — will he be equally inflexible about imposing those on you as well? For instance, is it “required” that you spend every Christmas morning with them, or vacation at their beach house every June, no matter what? Will he be angry and heartbroken if you have other ideas?

Post # 82
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

Curious to hear an update from OP…

Plus, after reading some Bee’s comments RE: the ring looking more 80s style and being in surprisingly good condition for costume jewellery, I too am a little suspicious. 
Mostly because in his great-grandmother’s time, it actually was quite uncommon to have an eRing at all, and lots of people only had a wedding band. If the great grandparents couldn’t afford a fancy eRing, they would have been far more likely to have chosen a plain wedding band. That was much more common back in the day!

Post # 83
Member
24 posts
Newbee

cinderdora :  This is true, my grandmother got engaged during the Great Depression or right after and my grandfather also couldn’t afford a ring at the time (my dad was born in 1944).  She just had a plain silver band until she got a massive diamond upgrade 30 years later.

Post # 84
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Doesn’t look like you’re willing to compromise at all. 

He’s not even asking you to wear it daily, he’s asking you to accept it as an engagement ring and then stow it away in a box…

Why not get a third “everyday e-ring”, and keep the sentimental one as your “original”? 

You need to compromise, because you’re being unfair to his family.

And FYI, that ring looks to be natural emerald, not just “some fake gemstone”. My SIL chose a remarkably similar engagement ring. It is stunning.

Post # 85
Member
26 posts
Newbee

macpartyoftwo :  She said he doesn’t want to get her an everyday ering so he’s the one being unfair. Just because a piece of costume jewelry looks like an emerald doesn’t mean it is one. 

Post # 86
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I haven’t read the whole thread so this has probably already been suggested, but here’s my two cents. You should both do a bit of compromising. Even though it’s a cheap ring, it clearly holds sentimental value in his family so I do think it will come off as a bit rude to snub several generations’ worth of family tradition. So let him propose with it and show it off to his family, then put it away in the box like it’s always been. 

Meanwhile he should compromise when it comes to your desire for your own special ring. He shouldn’t stop you from wanting a nice one to wear daily. Since he has no problem with you wearing a wedding ring, why not just get your dream fancy expensive ring and call it the “wedding ring” since you won’t be wearing the real e-ring anyways?

Post # 87
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Also doesn’t mean it’s fake.

Post # 88
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

cinderdora :  just what I was thinking, see if you can design something new carrying through a few elements of the previous (eg the oval shape). OP, it would be a shame to damage the heirloom (which it would seeing as it seems to hold a lot of value to him and is actually a lovely concept they will pass it to you. My view is that family jewellery stays with the female line so it doesn’t end up on some girlfriend (and then possibly ex girlfriends) finger! sounds rough, but not necessarily an uncommon view, so obviously they very much like you 🙂

Post # 89
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

macpartyoftwo :  But in the OP, she stated that it had been appraised and documented as costume jewelry so…

Post # 90
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I think you should be totally honest but be prepared to come to a compromise of sorts. Defintely say you don’t mind choosing a ring that is a non diamond so it’s less expensive or maybe even offer to help pay. Let him know you love him and the romantic gesture of the heirloom ring but that it’s just not your taste. You have to wear this everyday for the rest of your life. I think he will understand.

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