Post # 1
I met my boyfriend 9 months ago and we moved in together after 4 months. Everything has been great until this weekend and I’m not sure how to handle the situation.
On Saturday night I received an inappropriate text from a guy I know, which basically said he wanted to have sex with me. This guy has had a thing for me for years, he sent me a similar text two years ago and at that time I told him I wasn’t interested and never to send me anything like that again. I haven’t been in contact with him or encouraged him in any way.
So, when I got this new text I was kind of horrified but not really surprised. I didn’t mention it to my boyfriend but he apparently decided to look through my phone and saw it. He then went into complete shutdown mode and is refusing to talk about it, sit in the same room as me or sleep in the same bed as me. I asked him how he could treat me like this if he loves me and he wouldn’t reply.
I’m absolutely at a loss as to what I should do! I’m feeling increasingly angry towards him that he is treating me so badly when (as far as I can see) I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m so hurt that he won’t even talk to me about it and I’m losing respect for him. Am I wrong in thinking his reaction is a little extreme? He doesn’t know the whole history of this guy as he won’t let me tell him but I have managed to let him know I gave no encouragement.
He has done this once before, when I told him I’d kissed a woman (years before I met him).
Obviously I now know he doesn’t trust me and felt the need to look at my phone.
Post # 3
He needs to be able to talk about it if he has an issue. I can see why he was upset, but to sulk and hide in a room isn’t going to make it go away. Has everything else been okay? Can you offer to change your phone number so he cannot text you again?
Post # 4
My ex did that to me. I just thought he was cruel (which he is). When going through my divorce I found out there is a term for this. It is called “emotional abuse”. Don’t stick around for him to emotionally abuse you. This is not how two adults in a loving relationship deal with their problems.
Post # 6
I’m sure a girl finding such a thing in a mans phone would be and equal if not worse reaction/ “consequence”
but I agree with the others on communications issues. Yall are still young into your relationship so this could make or brake it if things aren’t taken care of.
i wish I knew a way to make him understand and feel your honesty in this situation!!
Post # 7
@Eva Peron: The thing is.. why was he looking through her phone? If it was flipped around, and she’d come on here saying she wasn’t talking to her Boyfriend or Best Friend because she looked through his phone and he had a text from a girl on his phone, I’d tell her to stop being such a drama queen, confront the issue, but why the frick was she looking through his phone? lol
“Punishing” her for someone else’s actions is totally unhealthy and uncalled for.
Post # 8
@Mrs. Puffin: THIS
OP, ask him why he felt the need to go through your phone. Ask him if he noticed that you never replied to the message, and just rolled your eyes and thought of all the ways to get rid of this guy once and for all. Then just shut up and stare at him.
Post # 9
why would your Boyfriend or Best Friend suddenly today, just out of the blue look at your phone where there happens to be an inappropriate message on it? i find it strange that he chooses today to look or does he do this often. plus why didnt you simply tell him and delete the message?
IF it was me, i would have shown my husband (your BF), answered back to the guy to STFU and leave never contact me again and then block him – followed by deleting the message. why did you keep the message and why would you allow contact with someone (because hes done it before and you havent blocked the guy) that is so disrespectful to you and your relationship?
Post # 10
Oh the silent treatment. It’s very manipulative and hurtful…yet we so often engage in such behavior.
He’s not getting something. This doesn’t mean you’re at fault, because his reaction is not justified any way you want to look at it. However, secure and loving individuals don’t pull stunts like these if they know how to love one another…when someone is insecure, which I sense he is, they can behave stupidly. He may not trust you fully, for whatever reason, and has trouble maintaining faith.
Don’t combat his anger with anger. It never works. If he needs some time to unwind, ok, give him some. This issue needs to be hashed out, of course, because there is a root to it. Write him a note, gently approach him, etc. Even though he is being hurtful and unloving now, you will have the most success if you approach him tenderly. Often times people need to be loved the most when it appears they “deserve” it least.
Post # 11
@eloping: In her defense, I have an ex who is named “do not respond” in my contacts. He occasionally texts, but it’s few and far between. If I respond “don’t text me” he texts more. And while I COULD try to get the number blocked, it’s not worth the trouble. SO knows about it. While I usually delete the text, I don’t always, just because I rarely delete my texts. I have a blackberry, after a certain point they auto-delete.
If I get a text, I don’t tell him; because he wouldn’t care to know. Just like if an ex texted him, I just would rather not know, I trust him to deal with it appropriately.
Anyway, carry on!
Post # 12
It’s understandable for him to be upset, but for him to stop talking to you over it? How does he expect to resolve the issue? So every time he is upset, he’ll act like a child all “NAH NAH NAH I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”? That will not lead anywhere good. Won’t be in the same room as you? Goodness gracious, he’s acting like you have cooties. And we’re too old for cooties! He needs to learn some adult strategies for handling issues, I think. I’ve never understood the silent treatment. All it does is make one partner intentionally feel like crap, and that isn’t healthy.
Post # 13
I’m not sure that this is actually the first time he’s looked at my phone. I suspect he’s probably looked at it before and never found anything that upset him. And I don’t tend to delete texts, so the fact I didn’t delete was simply out of habit. I was actually considering telling him but he went and read it himself first.
I think if it was the other way round and he’d got a text from a girl I’d obviously be upset but want to really talk about it, which is why his lack of communication is so frustrating for me!
Post # 14
@eloping: Good point! This IS NOT the first time he has looked through OP’s phone. This is just the first time he found something questionable. BTW, my ex did that to me too. : ( This means he is the jealous type. Not good.
Post # 15
Thank you all for your advice ladies.
Post # 16
try giving him permission to call this guy and bitch him out/tell him to leave you alone.
that should do the trick in making him realize that you couldn’t care less about this guy and want him to stop bugging you with those kinds of texts.
then after it blows over and he starts talking with you again, you need to addres his method of communicating his anger (or lack thereof i should say). i used to be that way (when i was like 19/20 years old mind you) and it was because i had a fierce temper and did not know how to communicate in a calm manner. it scared me so i figured it was best to just “cool off” and shut down. how old is he? has he had any recent shitty relationships where he was cheated on? he needs to learn how to control himself and communicate like an adult.