(Closed) He’s making everything so much worse!!!!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah- you do need to speak to him but I think you also have some decisions that you need to make. How much longer are you willing to wait? What do you need to see from him to feel comfortable about waiting? Have your started Mr. Bee’s plan to waiting? Do you know why your guy isn’t ready and what can you do to help him get ready?

Post # 4
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

How long has he had to “process” this? I’m not familiar with your story, so I’m not sure if this is a long drawn-out thing or a new thing?

Post # 5
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

“He’s literally managed to take away my girlish hope that I will one day marry the person I’m dating. That’s hard for a woman. I need that hope to develop emotionally. And I feel it’s been striped away.”

I don’t understand this part.  Firstly, I’m not one that ever had a ‘girlish’ hope to get married.  But regardless, I don’t understand how you hoping you got married as a little girl has anything at all to do with developing emotionally.  You don’t need that to develop.  You should already be emotionally developed before heading into marriage, imo.  But if you think your emotional development could so easily be stunted or stripped away by whether or not your bf is ready to get married or if ANY boyfriend of yours wants to marry you then I think you need to (respectfully) focus and concentrate on yourself and your own growth first.  You should be totally complete when you enter a relationship as serious as marriage.  If you are only partially emotionally complete and dependent on the other person’s actions/reactions to be emotionally stable than it oculd be that you just aren’t ready yet.  You have to consider what each person is bringing to the table. imo

Post # 6
Member
26 posts
Newbee

i obviously don’t know you, so take this with a grain of salt, but becoming emotionally distant is not a good thing.

if he only wants to marry you because he feels its just the next step in life, well thats just not good enough. You deserve someone who truly loves you and can’t live without you.

i think you need to be upfront with him about how you’re feeling and if he can’t understand what you need, then it may be time to move on.  there is a guy out there (and maybe it is him) who truly WANTS to spend the rest of his life with you

anyway, i could be missing a lot of the picture, thats just advice based on what you wrote. good luck to you girl!!!! *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@claireos:

Can I ask how long you’re dating?  Plus, thanks for not jumping all over me for asking you questions about readiness and emotional development. πŸ™‚  I think that they are important things to ask yourself and nothing to get upset about.  It’s nice to have someone answer calmly!

Maybe he’s one of those types of people that move emotionally slowly.  I didn’t know if I wanted to be with my bf forever after 2 years…it’s been almost 8 now and it’s awesome, but I like to take my time and enjoy the natural progression.  When you say that things never progress naturally and you always have to push them along – maybe his natural progression is just slower than yours…so things could have naturally happened if done on his comfort level.  Compromise is tough, though, with relationships.

Post # 10
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@claireos: I agree that you shouldn’t have to “convince” him to marry you, but having an adult conversation, timeline-esque details included, isn’t convincing. It’s having a hand in the next step in BOTH of your lives. If he really can’t communicate with you (which sounds like the bigger problem) then that’s what needs to be worked on. Some guys think “sometime in the future” is a timeline. Most women, of my acquaintance anyway, do not. Don’t feel like talking about your future is convincing him or in anyway negates when he does it. It doesn’t.

Post # 11
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@luckyprincess: <– and I agree with what she said. Maybe he moves slower. I know FI moves slower than me, but once he makes a decision he’s in it 100%. It makes the compromise worth it.

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@claireos:He wants something to happen when it’s right but he’s not willing to do what needs to be done so it CAN happen. It’s something we talked about once. My argument was that you can’t have it both ways.

His problem is approaching marriage with a “I want it both ways” attitude. He wants us to develop naturally to that point. He wants to get married one day. But he doesn’t want to discuss the issue or throw me a bone with a timeline that he means.

So I think you have your answer. The question is what are YOU going to do with this information. This isn’t about him, its about you.

Post # 14
Member
4804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I understand what you are talking about.  You feel like he is sucking the fun and excitement out of the process.  Waiting so long has started to do this to me too.  The sex life thing is also understandable since often women have to feel emotionally happy to respond. 

I think you should figure out what kind of timeline YOU are comfortable with and discuss it with him.  Relationships are about two people, and while you don’t want to convince someone to marry you, he might need to make some compromises as well if he really wants to marry you. 

Post # 16
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh girl, I totally get you.  It’s hard to be excited about a future with someone when that someone doesn’t seem particularly excited about their future with you.  Is that close to what it is? 

I wish you the best of luck tonight!  Come back if you need anymore help! 

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