Two months ago, my boyfriend and I decided that we were ready to commit to one another, and that we wanted to get married. We both are pragmatic people, and I loved that we decided together in a conversation, and that it wasn't a traditional or dramatic "proposal" in any way. Neither of us want a wedding or a flashy honeymoon, nor any of the rest of the traditional hoopla that goes along with weddings and marriage.
I am 100% unbothered by the fact that he did not buy me a ring. In fact, being rather egalitarian when it comes to relationships, and conservative when it comes to money, I would not be comfortable if he were to buy me a ring. However, my family has an engagement ring from a close relative of mine who passed away when I was young, that we had always planned would go to me if I ever got engaged. Never having thought I would be engaged, I never really thought much about it. Now that I am engaged, for reasons that I can't even fully articulate, I really do want my family's ring.
Unfortunately, my fiance is anti-engagement ring. He sees them as a symbol of misogyny and oppression of women and of materialism, and frankly, I understand his view. (As I said above, absent the family ring, I would be perfectly happy to go without.) He has told me that if I really want the ring, that I should have it, but that it would make him very uncomfortable, and that if I am to take the ring, that I should look at it as a gift from my family, and not as anything having to do with him.
I am truly torn. I do want the ring. For me it is a symbol of our love for each other, as well as an heirloom from my family with other sentimental value. It is the only traditional wedding symbol that I like, partly because, like a marriage (and unlike a wedding) it is something that is a permanent and daily reminder of love. But I don't want to wear on my hand something that would also be a permanent and daily reminder of something that my fiance does not agree with.
It is pretty clear that the whole of the decision lies with me, and I am at a loss. No matter what I decide, one of us will be disappointed. What should I do?
If you want it so much, why not just wear it on your right hand?
You could have the ring re-made into a pendant or other jewlry to wear. You could also wear it on a non-traditional finger so it is not so closely linked to the ancient symoblism of a man "owning" a woman. You could also have it remade into two rings--- one for you and one for him--- of course you would need additional metal and stones-- but in this way you would each "own" each other if you really wanted to focus on the old meanings of the tradition.
I think it's your decision whether you wear a ring or not. I understand his point of view, but in a way, it is kind of mysogynistic of him to tell you that you CAN'T wear a ring. If you want to wear the ring, you should wear it. just find a way to come to an understanding between the two of you that it is not a symbol of him "owning" you, but a symbol of your commitment to him while also honoring your family. It can just be a ring that you happen to be wearing on your left finger than your right, or you could just wear it on your right hand. Either way, it's just a piece of jewelry.
@EHC5212: Wow, times have changed.. you might want to tell your fiance that. I don't think anyone thinks nowadays "oh, she is owned by a man" when they see a pretty ring on a lady's finger. Geez.
If my SO suggested I couldn't get a ring, especially if it were a lovely family heirloom, we'd have some big problems.
We aren't having a flashy wedding either... but I want a flashy ring and we love to travel, so hell yes we're having a fancy honeymoon. You can pick elements of tradition that you like, and discard the ones you don't like.
@EHC5212: If you want the rings, you should have it. I don't really understand his line of thought, because to me, rings represent a promise made by the two of you for unending, ever-renewing love. It doesn't mean you're a posession.
I'm guessing he won't wear a ring, either?
@LilliePad: "in a way, it is kind of mysogynistic of him to tell you that you CAN'T wear a ring. If you want to wear the ring, you should wear it. just find a way to come to an understanding between the two of you that it is not a symbol of him "owning" you, but a symbol of your commitment to him while also honoring your family."
Exactly this. An engagement ring is a symbol -- not a pair of handcuffs.
Why not get him an engagement ring also? That way you both feel like it is part of the same agreement? I have lots of super progressive feminist friends that have done this. I got my FI an engagement watch, since he doesn't want to have two rings.
@LilliePad: He never told me that I can't do anything. He just has said that if I do wear a ring, it would make him uncomfortable. I'm considering the right hand idea, but my intial reaction is that it just doesn't feel right to me.
@EHC5212: I know he isn't expressly telling you that you can't do somehting, but he is implying it by telling you that he would be uncomfortable. He's putting you in a lose-lose situation. Others may not agree with this but I don't see a huge difference between him telling you that you can't, and him saying he'll be uncomfortable if you do.
What if you didn't wear it as an engagement ring, but wore it as a wedding ring instead (after your married), and get him a ring, too. That way you're both equals.
if you like it then wear it because its a family piece (or just bc its pretty) you dont have to ge engaged or have a man to wear a ring
if someone asks tell the truth...this was my grest aunt susan's ring and she left it to me.
@LilliePad: YES x1000!!!
I've never thought of an engagement ring as a man "owning" you. To me (and my FI) its a symbol of the commitment we have made. If you want the ring and it is important to you, you should wear it!
@throughthebarricades: The problem is, this is an element that we disagree on, and I don't want to move ahead in a way that makes him uncomfortable, and he doesn't want me to be uncomfortable. We are in a lose-lose situation, and are looking for a way out.
@new york bride 13: Even if he hates it? That's not really acceptable to me.
@LilliePad: I completely agree with you.
@EHC5212: Maybe the traditional "symbol" of engagement rings was one of possession, but times change and it's just a piece of jewelry. It's your ring. IMO it's only symbolic of what you want it to be. If you want it to be just a piece of metal with stones, then that's what it will be. I think your FI is putting way too much thought into this -- it's a ring that has family significance to you and you should be able to wear it without him feeling "uncomfortable."
ETA: just out of curiosity, do you only wear clothes that he approves of or likes? Does he approve of or feel "comfortable" with all of your other jewelry? The reason I'm asking is because you seem completely opposed to wearing this ring that is important to you because he doesn't like it. I'm sure I wear things my husband doesn't like, but he doesn't say anything to me and I don't really worry about it. I don't really see why this ring should be any different than a regular piece of clothing or jewelry, just because once upon a time it was labeled as an engagement ring. I hope this makes sense!
I get what he means, because I used to have a similar opinion. But everyone is right -- it's just a piece of jewelry. Ultimately YOU as a couple get to decide exactly what the ring does and does not symbolize.
@EHC5212: I see where he's coming from, and everyone arguing otherwise isn't going to change his mind.
I wonder if he feels the same way about wedding rings? I like the idea posted above about waiting to wear the ring until you're married, as your wedding ring. Would he agree to you both wearing rings to symbolize your committment to each other?
After all, men wearing wedding rings is a relatively new tradition - so you can be sticking it to the old misogynistic tradition of just the woman wearing the ring. Seems like his feminist side would like that? (By the way, I do respect this fella!)
I would kindly point out to him that by not giving YOU the choice of wether or not you want to wear that ring, he is acting as a mysoginistic oppressor. Dude. Back off. Let your lady wear a ring. It will not change a single thing.
@EHC5212: Is it really lose-lose? Obviously I don't know your guy, but mine can generally be persuaded if something is very important to me.
It sounds like he has a bit of an extreme and somewhat unreasonable view so I don't think it's you that should be compromising here. Like lilliepad said, it's kind of mysogynistic of him to be suggesting you shouldn't wear a ring. Maybe if you pointed that out to him, he'd relent a bit since he seems so preoccupied with equality?
Could you try convincing him that wearing a ring on your finger is a proud display of your commitment to each other? That you're proud to be with him, so you want to wear it? I don't know. Maybe you could also suggest it would make your family really happy to see you wear it, and it might be awkward not to accept it?
I guess I am having a really hard time understanding his point of view, so I'd be doing my hardest to convince him otherwise.
The thing for me that is quite unsettling is his inability to compromise with you. Sounds like this ring means a LOT to you and he's having a hard time even understanding that. Is this just an isolated issue or would he possibiy be resistent to compromise on other matters down the road once you're married? Marriage is give and take. My husband has a really ugly statue his grandfather brought back from Africa in WWII. I detest the thing, but it is sitting proudly in the living room because it's somethng that means a great deal to him.
It's just a piece of jewelry. From his standpoint, it would be an engagement ring. Well, how about if you wore it on your right hand? And realy, it's not an engagement ring. An engagement ring is a ring that a man gives a woman once he proposes. Everything else is just a ring.
@LilliePad: He doesn't want to wear a ring, and I am fine with that, but it means that really isn't a solution. I appreciate your suggestions though. This is truly the only issue we have ever gotten stuck on.
I understand both sides. But the way i see it---any successful relationship is based on give and take and compromises. YOu see his way on a lot of things.. and he has to see your way. You pick what is most important and you accept it. This is important to you so he should accept that.
@LilliePad: I know he isn't expressly telling you that you can't do somehting, but he is implying it by telling you that he would be uncomfortable. He's putting you in a lose-lose situation. Others may not agree with this but I don't see a huge difference between him telling you that you can't, and him saying he'll be uncomfortable if you do.
Exactly this. I can't imagine someone I love holding me back from something I wanted, unless it was dangerous.
An engagement ring is not a symbol of misogyny or ownership. It's a symbol of love. Some women (married and single) even buy themselves diamond rings because they think it's beautiful. Many men buy them to please their SOs.
My former college professor felt the same way as your FI. He bought her a refrigerator instead. Then everyone in the class railed against him (even the guys! They said if he loved her, he would get her something beautiful). He caved three weeks later and said it actually wasn't as bad as he thought and that the ring looked beautiful on her.
@EHC5212: Just wear the ring if you want to. I don't understand how you wearing your own family's heirloom would bother him so much. It's not like he's the one who even gave it to you. And if it's a symbol of your love to you that's fine, it doesn't have to mean the same thing for him. He'll get over it.
The ring will cost nothing.
You like the ring. You want to wear the ring.
You have aggreed as a couple that you don't believe that marriage = ownership. You both feel the same way about that issue.
You've made it clear that wearing the ring will NOT symbolize to you any type of ownership.
So...now, the only thing he's worrying about is what other people, outside of your relationship, may think it sympolizes....and frankly, who CARES what other people think.
I do not believe he has a leg to stand on in this argument. It's YOUR finger.
I love the idea of wearing the ring as your wedding ring. That way you both have your ring to symbolize your love for each other, but you only have to wear one ring... and he can get a simple band to complement your heirloom ring.
Is his objection to the e-ring idea, or all wedding rings in general? Were you both planning on wearing wedding bands?
@Scc6a: I wear whatever the hell I want, and he doesn't say anything about it. This is different from any other article of clothing or jewelry, however, since it is supposed to be symbolic of our relationship. That's why his opinion of it is so important to me.
@EHC5212: Ok, well that clears a lot up for me -- it wasn't clear to me before that you wanted it to be a symbol at all and it sounded like he just didn't want to let you wear the ring period. Now that you've clarified, it seems like the real problem is not just that he doesn't want you to wear the ring but that you want to wear it specifically as a symbol and he doesn't want it to be a symbol. I'm honestly not really sure how to resolve that conflict... If the ring is important to you because of family reasons, would you be willing to just wear it as a ring and not symbolizing anything? Would he be ok with that?
@EHC5212: I'm sorry, I guess I was thinking about it from my perspective. It never even crossed my mind that an engagement ring could be seen in a negative/controlling light and I was having some trouble wrapping my head around it.
Also I know what it means to have a sentimental piece of jewlery. I have my grandmother's wedding ring, which I really wanted to wear as my wedding band, but couldn't without having to take it apart, which I won't do, so I'm wearing it as a RHR. I just didn't want you to lose out on having an important piece of your family's history.
But I've re read your post, and if your FI really hates it, you can always use it as a right hand ring. As I said above, that's what I'm doing with my nonni's ring. That way it becomes a symbol of your family's love, but no one will mistake it for an engagement ring, which seems to be what your FI does not want.
Is your family opposed to you having the ring if it isn't used in that traditional "engagement" fashion?
I also really like the idea of using it as a wedding band. If you aren't opposed to changing the ring, it can also become a bracelet or necklace.
I find it kind of ironic that a man is using the argument of feminism to limit a woman's choices. That just doesn't sit well with me. If he is wanting equality, great!--the world needs more men like that--but he should also realize that one of the main tenets of feminism is "her body, her choice." If he isn't buying the ring, isn't proposing to you with it, and isn't presenting it to you in any way, what you want to do with it shouldn't have anything to do with him. It's an heirloom, from a family member that you cared deeply about. Him implying that his discomfort should trump that to me is a little selfish.
Why not just keep what it may or may not symbolize to you, to yourself? If your idea of the ring and what it does or does not mean, or does or does not symbolize to the rest of the world, isn't impacting him personally, it doesn't seem that that should really be any of his business. Just wear it anyway on whatever finger you want, and don't call it an "engagement ring" (because really, if he neither bought or presented it to you, it technically isn't--despite what strangers who see it might assume) and you should be fine, I would think.
To be quite frank, I think you two are really overthinking this whole ring thing and blowing it out of proportions. I'd bet the only reason he's 'uncomfortable' with it is because he didn't buy it.
Just we. ar the damn ring and tell him to shove it. You just said yourself that you wear whatever you to want to wear.
"He sees them as a symbol of misogyny and oppression of women…"
Him not supporting you as a woman who does not feel oppressed by wearing a family heirloom as a symbol of love and making you feel uncomfortable or guilty about it if you do is in itself misogynistic. As a man, he has male privilege he needs to check. He needs to listen to you, a woman who has experienced life as a woman because by also not seeking to see your perspective on what he views as a feminist issue is misogynistic.
These posts explain what I'm trying to say better:
http://www.shakesville.com/2011/10/feminism-101-listening.html
http://www.shakesville.com/2011/02/feminism-101-helpful-hints-for-dudes.html
My opinion: if you want to wear it, you should. He really needs to take a step back and look at the hypocrisy in his objection to rings and not fully listening to why you want to wear a family heirloom and that it is not a symbol of misogyny or oppression in this case, it's a symbol of love and it's a treasured piece of jewelry that's been in your family.
I'm trying to attack your fiance, I'm sure he is a wonderful guy with intentions in the right spot, but he's missing the mark I feel like with this one.
Maybe point out some of those issues that those blog posts bring up to him.
@JaneyDcat: I don't understand where you see him having an inability to compromise. (If anyone is being stubborn, I willingly admit that it is me.) He said I should do what I want to do, and then he said how he feels about it.
@EHC5212: Your ring, your body. He doesn't have the right to be bothered by what you do with it. :) Do what you want!
I would just wear the ring and let each of you think what you want about it. You can see it as a symbol that you are married, and he can see it as a family heirloom.
Also, more out of convenience than anything, it's kinda nice to wear a wedding ring because it is the final word on guys hitting on you. Before I was engaged, guys wouldn't take "I am in a relationship" or "I am not interested" and would still try. But now when I whip out the ring, they back off.
You want the ring. He said that he is fine with you having the ring. Just take it!
Couldn't he cancel out the fact that it is a symbol of misogyny by him wearing one too?
That's what my guy is doing.
Materialism I can also see and is harder to address, but the fact that the ring you'd like to wear is heirloom should mitigate that somewhat.
If my FI really felt that strongly about it though, since I can really see the logic too, I just wouldn't wear an engagement ring. I might wear the heirloom ring on another finger though.
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