(Closed) He’s not ready and I am.What to do???

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Thats hard. The dad part is what would get me. My son is everything to me and it was important from the beginning that my SO was ready for that kind of commitment. My now FI thinks the world of my son and is (of course) so ready for that. If you really believe that he will be ready for all that, and you want to be with him, then be with him. But if he has no idea if (and if ever) he will be ready, then maybe you need to find someone who does. And its only been 1 1/2 months. After 2 1/2 years thats not that long to be over someone, so you may still need time. It sounds like you both are confused, so maybe you could sit and talk with him about EVERYTHING. Then decide where to go. Maybe you need some time by yourself to get your priorities straight and know what you really want too.

Post # 4
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

I’m not sure if anyone can really give you the right answer.  Every person is different, and each man (and woman) have a host of psychological issues they have to address before marriage.  One thing IS certain; if he says he’s not ready, he’s NOT.  It could take years, or he may never GET married period.  What you should think about is this:

Are you really miserable not dating him because he adds that much to your life, or is it because you don’t want to start over again?

I say that with the best intentions.  I have been in your place before, and when I walked away it sucked.. but I am happier than I could ever be now. 

If you feel like you’d be happy being with him and NOT getting married, then go for it.  But if you will always have the hope he will change – then I think it is in your best interest to walk away.  If it is meant to happen, it will in its own time. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

The dad part definitely gets me too… I am not getting that to be honest with you he’s been in your daughter’s life since she was 6 months old.  How can he not already be a dad?  How strange. I definitely wouldn’t get back with him. I know it’s hard but he sounds very selfish in my opinion.  I’m happy that he is honest with you and perhaps you can begin to heal.  Definitely take some time to be alone. Trust me it brings you clarity and you and your little girl will find someone who deserves the two of you…

Post # 6
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

There is no way to know if your ex will ever be ready for marriage/parenting. No one can know that, but him. Rather than thinking about what he might do, perhaps sit down and really evaluate what is important for you and what you need to be happy in life.

If you can be happy being with him and having him in your life, but not necessarily as a “father figure” for your child, then maybe you could consider that. But, if you know that you want more, you should allow yourself to have that.

I don’t think that he necessarily has to want to be a father to your child now. That is not his child. Please don’t flame me anyone, this is my opinion. I do NOT expect the Boy to be “a dad” to my kids, nor does he want to be their dad. Is he helping me to raise them, yes. Does he love them, yes. Does he treat them as if they’re his children, in most ways, yes, but the expectation of him to be a “dad” to them just isn’t there. There are many people who feel that the role of a step-parent is very dependent on the birth parents relationship (or lack their of) with the birth children, so since I don’t know the specifics (i.e. whether your child has an active bio “dad” in their life) then I really can’t just judge him on that comment alone. There are many MARRIED people who aren’t ready for being a parent. 🙂

So, I think you have to sort out exactly what you need. Are you looking for someone who wants to raise your child as theirs, or are you happy with someone who loves you and cares for your child? Can you be content with your relationship as it is now or do you need more?

((HUGS)))

Post # 7
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think two people who want completely different things cannot be in a happy relationship together. You’re never going to be 100% on the same page about everything, and women do usually get to the point where they’re ready for marriage before their partners. But you’ve been wanting to get married for a year and a half, and he doesn’t even have a timeline and is avoiding commitment at all costs! 

I know it sucks so much not to be with him (when my FI and I took a break, it was the most painful thing ever and literally made me sick). However, when we got back together it was after BOTH making changes and compromises and coming to a shared plan for the future. 

I think you should take a few more months away from him to figure out your priorities. When you’re no longer missing him like crazy, you will be able to make a rational decision about whether you’re ready to spend years with him without marriage (or possibly never get married.) The time away from you will also give him a chance to think and may push him in the right direction. If you come back now, you’re sending him the message that you’re fine with his terms and he has no incentive to ever marry you! 

 

Post # 8
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am coming from a similar situation. My now fiance told me he loved me within one month of dating and we talked about marriage often. We even went so far as living together. However, I made a time line in my mind of when he should propose and when we would get married. My fiance often talked about marrying me but never made it definite. So it didn’t bother me that he didn’t propose because I knew that if he didn’t propose to me by a certain time I would break up with him. So my advice to you is think about when your cut off point is and stick to it. Lets face it none of us are getting any younger and you don’t need to waste your time. So make a time line and stick to it. My time line was by the two year mark he needed to propose to me and by the third year we needed to be married; because I figure the first year of a relationship you’re getting to know each other but by the second year he should know what he wants. So basically, if you’ve been dating him for 2 years and he’s not ready, move on. He’s not gonna be ready. He’s telling you right now that he’s not ready. Don’t rush him because if he marries you and he’s not ready you will only prolong your heartbreak and the heartbreak of your child.

I hope this helps!

Post # 9
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I totally agree with girlwitharing that you will never be 100% happy with someone if you don’t want the same things. For me, I would not stick around and wait to see if someone became ready to marry me, because marriage was always a priority of mine. I’m not a mother, and I don’t know the situation with your daughter and her biological father, but if a man had been with me and my daughter for 2.5 years, and he wasn’t ready to be a “dad”, I would move on. You and your daughter deserve someone who wants to be your husband and wants to be a father figure for your daughter. I’m not saying that he should be all gung-ho about becoming her dad, because I agree with curlydreamer that it’s not his child and he doesn’t have to step up to the role of dad, but if he isn’t ready for at least some kind of responsibility for her, then, in my opinion, he’s not the right guy for you and your daughter.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and I hope it gets better for you!

Post # 10
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m really sorry that this has happened to you.  I think the most important thing to gain from what he has said and how he has behaved is that you need to put your daughter first.  You have an extra component to this scenario – that being your daughter… and her needs really need to come before your own.

I think that in this case, since your boyfriend has said multiple times that he isn’t ready to be a dad and for marriage that you need to believe him.  It’s one thing for him to not be ready for marriage and the relationship consists of just you and him, but for him to say that he isn’t ready to be a father when you already have a child takes it to another level. 

I think that perhaps when you both met, he was so young that he didn’t really think about marriage.  What I mean is, he didn’t really understand what all goes into it when he makes that commitment.  It’s one thing to say that he wants to marry you early on, it’s another to actually go through with it because it is such a huge commitment. 

I really think that your boyfriend is a really decent person by being honest with you.  In his mind, he isn’t ready.  If he says he still loves you, I am sure that he does, but he knows deep down that he doesn’t want to be a father right now and knows that he wouldn’t be any good at it if you two did tie the knot.

I think that he is being quite selfless in being honest and upfront with you.  Imagine if you two got married and all of a sudden he realized that he was too young to be a dad, wasn’t ready for that commitment, etc.  Divorce may be one of the most painful experiences (or so I am told).  Or, what if he really did turn out to be a bad dad if he didn’t want to do the things a parent is required to do… imagine the kind of strain on your relationship that would be. 

My advice for you would be to let go.  Believe him when he says that he isn’t ready.  He really loves you if he is willing to walk away knowing that it is the best thing for you. If he was being selfish, he would string you along keeping your hopes up that there would be a diamond ring and a happy family at the end all the while he never actually plans on proposing.

Keep your chin up girl, there is someone better out there for you who will love you, take care of you, and be a wonderful parent to your daughter.

Post # 11
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that you need to set an example for your daughter. Be the mom she need and the role model she’ll follow. What would you want her to do?

Post # 12
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

A few things:

  1. Good for you for breaking up with him and trying to put yourself out there.
  2. You have a daughter to think about and if he isnt prepared to be all everything for you and your daughter.. then he isnt ready and you shouldnt wait around until he is.
  3. I know it must be hard but like CorgiTales says… what would you want your daughter to do?

Post # 13
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t mean to sound snarky or argumentative, but I’m really confused why everyone is so hung up on the guy saying he’s not ready to be a father. Has anyone considered that perhaps the child already has a father?

As a mother of two children, I am not looking for a man to be a father to my children — they have a father. I would find it overly insulting for a man to think they can step in and, just because we’re in a relationship, expect to “father” my children. Alternatley, I don’t play mom to the Boy’s girls. Do I love them, yes. Will I do for them and help raise them, yes, but I will never be their “mom” because they have mom. I am here to be the Boy’s partner and support him, which includes helping with his daughters but is not about being their mother.

In this case, the melizz has not said that her child doesn’t already have a father so I’m confused why people are blowing that one thing into “think of your daughter first.” The whole step-parent issue is something that is very sensitive and the expectations should not instantly be that the step-parent has the same obligation as a biological parent, IMHO.

I think this is why it’s so important, melizz, that you figure out exactly what YOU need from a partner.

My two cents for what they’re worth.

Post # 14
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with CurlyDreamer – are you asking him to be a father to your daughter? Does he feel he has to be a father to her, or a step-parent?….Regardless of how involved the bio dad is in your daughter’s life, I have to say I think its good your bf admitted he is not ready to be a father figure to your daughter. I think it shows he takes that responsibility very seriously, and that he cares enough about you to be honest and not create expectations he doesn’t/can’t fulfill right now.

Though I don’t have children, I can imagine that the level of obligation as a step-parent changes from dating to marriage. It’s certainly a longer commitment you are making, to both the parent and the child. It shouldn’t be taken lightly, and it sounds like your bf doesn’t take this commitment lightly.

He’s 26 years old, perhaps he’s still growing and finding out about himself – it sounds a bit like that from what you said he said. When he says he isn’t the person he wants to be and isn’t ready to be a dad, what does he mean exactly? Anything specific? (job, $, life experiences, etc.?).

I agree that you need to determine what YOU want and need from a relationship. If you need to get married now (or soon) and not getting married now is a deal breaker, then I think it is probably time to move on. There really is no way to tell when (if ever) he will be ready for marriage and the responsibility of being a step-parent.

Either way, I think you should evaluate what you want, and go from there.

Post # 15
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I have to offer some different insight.  My DH took 7.5 years to propose to me, after confessing his love and intention to marry me after 1 month of dating!  When he proposed, I was 28 and he was 27.  I was ready after about 6.5 years and it took him a little longer to pull the trigger than I wanted.  But, I knew I didn’t want to be with anyone else, that he wanted to marry me, and wanted to propose when he felt ready.  I don’t actually think that 2.5 years (or 2 years) is all that long….and though you have a child already, you are still pretty young.  I think you just need to have an honest conversation with yourself and then with him.  If he is telling you that he wants to marry you, but just isn’t ready quite yet, he probably means it. 

And, becoming a father or a father figure IS a big deal.  Would you want him to make that commitment to you and your child if he was not ready? 

I guess my point is that there’s really no right answer and no perfect timeline.  If you want to be with him and are willing to wait a little longer to get married, then be with him.  If you want to get married right now and don’t believe he will ever be ready, then don’t get back together with him.

Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I can relate to the post above from Erindesmar.  FI and I have been together for almost 5 years, and it took him 4 to propose.  We discussed marriage very soon after dating – but not a word about it until a few months before the proposal.

I gave him as much time as he needed – I would rather be dating for 5 years than be engaged when he isn’t ready.  Everyone works on their own schedule, at least he is being honest with you

The topic ‘He’s not ready and I am.What to do???’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors