Hesitant about change in relationship once becoming parents?

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

el.mc.568:  I think this is normal to worry about, it’s not selfish at all. Your relationship will definitely change. It may be hard at first, it was for us. We fought more and got very frustrated w each other in the first few weeks after my daughters birth. A lot of it had to do w lack of sleep. It didn’t take long to get into a new normal though. Watching my husband with my daughter is the most awesome thing in the world. He loves her so much and vice versa. I love watching them play and read and interact. I see my husband differently in a good way. Also our daughter goes to sleep at 7pm and we have our nights together still. It’s important to take time for your relationship. We have family near by so my parents babysit a couple weekends a month so we can have nice date nights. During the week after she’s in bed we eat dinner together, watch tv and hang out. Honestly we’re closer now after going through pregnancy, birth and the newborn days. 

Post # 3
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am so worried about this too, losing “us” is so scary for me. I hope you get some good replies, because this is my worst fear about TTC too.

Post # 4
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

We are so excited to TTC in Feb, but I am SO afraid of this as well. I love him so much, and I didn’t meet him until I was 31 and I feel like I wish we had more time to be alone together. FI isn’t worried about it at all, he says things will be really different but still wonderful, but I’d love to hear perspectives about this.

Post # 5
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is a normal fear.

Yes, your relationship and how you spend time together will change. That is inevitable. Your time together is going to be spent doing different things. For us, the things that have replaced our old lounging time is much more enjoyable, and we appreciate what time we have together, alone, even moreso than we did before we had kids. Your closeness will change as well, but for us, we got even closer after having DD. We are more of a team now than we ever were.

It will also take extra work to not completely fall into being JUST parents. Sometimes DH and I need to consciously remind ourselves that we are also partners separate from being mommy & daddy.

Post # 6
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It’s normal, and you will have the same kinds of concerns when you TTC #2, too. It’s a BIG change. A wonderful change, but a big one. Your relationship will evolve and adapt, and you may need to put more thought and directed effort into maintaining it, but there are plenty of ways to make it work.

For me, watching Mr. Lk parent DS makes me fall even more in love with him. Right now DS has us running ragged, and we feel a bit like ships passing in the night at times. But this, too, shall pass. As long as we make time for each other, even if it is just a quick text in the middle of the day to say “I love you”, we’ll be good.

Post # 7
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

this is a big reason why i’m on the fence about having a child at all :/

Post # 8
Member
5483 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

el.mc.568:  totally normal. i have this same fear. commenting to follow!

urchin:  “It will also take extra work to not completely fall into being JUST parents.”

THIS. 

Post # 9
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

el.mc.568:  Change is scary and babies change relationships but you do have some control over the change.  The most important thing to remember is to make time for each other when the baby comes.  Set aside some time each night after the baby goes to bed to spend one on one whether it’s watching a show together, reading in bed, or doing the deed, just make a conscious effort to make the time for each other.

Also, make sure to back each other up and trust each other to make good parenting decisions.  The biggest problem I see with new parents is one berating the other for not doing everything “perfectly” so that the unperfect parent (usually dad) loses interest in helping out with the baby.

Sit down and discuss how you both envision being parents (living arrangement, religious practice, etc…) and what discipline you think is appropriate for different behaviors.  Hopefully a lot of this has already been discussed.  You will have to wing it quite often because kids are a challenge but make sure to have regular pow wows before and after having kids so you’re both on the same page about how you’re raising that child.

Post # 10
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

el.mc.568:  I imagined having a baby as this enormous change and nothing would ever be the same again and all our time would be baby baby baby, but it hasn’t been like that for us. We do the same things we always did, only we have a delightful 13 month old with us. Having a baby doesn’t mean you can’t watch tv and make dinner and hang out, or have bonfires at the end of the day on the weekend! We had a great relationship before our daughter and an even better one now. You just have to make sure that even when you’re tired you treat each other with the same kindness and love that you do while fully rested. 

Post # 11
Member
8914 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I can relate for sure.  By the time we TTC, my husband and I will have been together for 15 years!  We are super settled into our life together, obviously, and I fear the transition will be tough.

But I agree with MsKeee: that you don’t have to stop doing the fun stuff.  Our friends with babies and small children still come over to BBQ and have fires, or go on weekend camping trips.  We’re about to do a 6-day backpacking trip with a 9-month-old!  It just takes more effort.

Post # 12
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think your fears are understandable and before our other friends started having kids I worrried about losing that part of our life, but now 3 out of 4 of us are pregnant and one has a 1 year old so the timing is great. As far as our personal relationship, I feel that the pregnancy is already bringing us together even more and I am confident that the baby will just make our life together even better. I can’t wait to see him as a Dad!

Post # 13
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

el.mc.568:  The types of things you do will change slightly, and the amount of time you spend with friends will likely change a bit– but together, you will experience a love like no other.   I had a four year old when I started dating my husband– so we started a realtionship with a kid, in a way.  We still got to go out, still have an excellent sex life– and have lots of fun doing things as a family.  And we have a very close relationship.  

It’s normal to wonder/fear this, but if you want kids, you won’t regret it.

Post # 14
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee

You will lose parts of your relationship once you have a kid, but you will gain so much more. Coming from someone who had a daughter unplanned, our relationship changed immensely, however….we grew as people and honestly whenever we think back to what we were before, we don’t want to go back. We love being parents. Yes, we no longer have privacy, no we can’t stay up all hours of the night talking unless one of wants to be a zombie, and right now we’re on opposite schedules so we hardly see each other, but in the end for us it’s so worth it. We love our daughter to pieces and wouldn’t change a thing about it. Of course it’s normal to worry about what will happen and the changes in the relationship, but think about what you will gain as being parents. Make sure you make times for yall and for yourselves. My husband and I do that all the time and we are happy with our situation despite not having planned it out. Sure we don’t do as much as we used to, but we still find the time to see friends and have fun.

Post # 15
Member
6749 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You can think of what you will “lose”, or you can view it as an incredible experience you will get to share together! You will love your DH in ways you didn’t think possible when you see him parent your child. It is not losing anything (except sleep!) – it is opening yourself up to a new dimension of your relationship!

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