(Closed) Hi Bees….Just a vent….kinda long sorry.

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Aw, I’m sorry! Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this? Does he know how much getting married means to you? Alot of guys just don’t think about it and they don’t understand how important it really is to us!

Post # 5
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

If it makes you feel any better, my (now) FI never “discussed” proposing or rings or anything like that. I told him pretty early on that I thought he was the one, he said he felt the same, but we didn’t talk about it that much. I guess because we just wanted to let things happen naturally. I decided a long time ago that torturing myself by wondering constantly when he was going to ask would do me, and him, no good. I basically convinced myself to just let things be. Oh sure, I made a little snarky comment now and then, but for the most part we never talked about engagement or marriage.

When he popped the question I was completely not expecting it, and didn’t know when he had the time to go buy a ring, figure out my size (because it fit perfectly), or any of that.

I am not trying to tell you to “back off” or stop thinking about it, but guys are all different. Some are completely ok with going ring shopping together, some are more traditional and want to keep it secret. Some guys are more private and mull things in their heads long before saying something to us, some are totally open to discussing everything. Don’t worry that because he isn’t discussing it with you that he’s not thinking about it ^__^

Post # 6
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 1969

usally if all your friends are getting engaged, he’ll be thinking about it. Just hold out for a while, maybe he wants to surprize you

Post # 7
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) I agree with the pp!  With one caveat I suppose, have you asked him when he thinks the two of you will get married?  I hate to put him on the spot like that, but I was pleasantly surprised when I asked M point-blank. Are you or he perhaps in school and trying to finish that out or get more financially stable?  If he’s a traditional southern gent or any traditional gent for that matter, he’s probably waiting until his finances are in order and he can properly “take care” of a wife and family.

Post # 9
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

i’m with you on the sigh… i REALLY want M and I to go to jewelry stores today to look at rings, etc see what the ones that i have been lusting for on line look like on my fingers, but nope. he says he doesn’t want to window shop?! i mean what in the world?! how is that window shopping? i had to tell him that it’s okay to see which ones look best on my hand… sigh oh well men are wired way differently than us!

Post # 11
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sigh all of my friends are in my hometown :(…. I wish!! Lol!! I don’t really have very many friends in Louisiana or I don’t know I sort of wanted it to be something that we shared together versus me taking my friends??? I think because I’ve been engaged before I’ve dragged my friends etc to ring shops and after the engagement to dress shops as well….

Post # 13
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sorry you’re feeling this way but here is what I would do.  I would sit down with him and tell him this is something you need to know.  You need to know a timeline. 

I’d tell him you’ve lived together for two years so there’s no surprises, want to know what his timeline is for you two and if he wants to 100 percent get married or not.  I’d tell him I loved him, but that I wouldn’t wait forever as you see your friends moving on with their lives. 

Now comes the hard part.  Listen to what he says and if he tries to change the subject or get out of answering it, tell him this is the most important thing he will ever do and that you need to know.  He needs to know you are not going to wait forever or live with him forever.  I know it takes guts to do that, and it may not be the most popular opinion around here, but if after 2 years a guy isn’t talking much about marriage or planning or any of it, I would be talking to him, especially if we were living together.  I’d want to know our direction and have him be firm about it.

The way I see it, either answer you get from him is good. It’s your life and you deserve nothing but happiness and love!  Knowing to me is much better than guessing.

Post # 14
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

i think bellenga is right. There is a difference between issuing an ultimatum and letting someone know you aren’t prepared to wait forever. The issue here really isn’t “are you going to get engaged soon.” It is that you don’t seem to be communicating about your goals, and sharing a mutual vision about your future. Changing the subject is just not an acceptable response from an adult to an important conversation. Let him know you intend to have this conversation, it is important and if he cares about you and your feelings he will thoughtfully participate.  Wait until you are both calm and at home. Don’t ambush him after work. If he comes up with an excuse of why he can’t talk then, ask him to please give you a time when you can. Keep the conversation affectionate and not accusatory. “I love you and I am ready to start our life. I need to know where you are at, and what the next few years look like to you.” You need to be prepared to accept his answer, and make your decision based on reality, not on an attempt to change him. What if he says he needs 3 years? Is that too long? What if he says he has never, ever thought of it? I would calmly sort through scenarios and, if you get an answer you aren’t happy with, rather than responding to him immediately thank him for his honesty and tell him you need some time to think.

We had lots of conversations about marriage, and it did take him time to warm up to the idea. I know this period can feel frustrating, and powerless.  Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2010

you should definitely talk about it with him!  and hopefully all those years together means you guys have good communication.  and if not, well, maybe that needs to be worked on before you consider marriage!

could it be that he is planning it without you knowing?  some guys want it to be a total surprise?

perhaps you could start with talking about the future.  not even proposals or marriage or a wedding but… just where he thinks this realtionship is going.

good luck though!!!

Post # 16
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

depends on how long you can wait; do you feel deep down he’s worth waiting for if the answer is no then its time tomove on

if you feel like it will go nowhere since right now he’s all words, then the writing is on the wall

 

if you feel like this is it, then wait patiently; some people have different timeframes, that’s when it’s time to move on when it does not coincide; he may be in the marrying mode in 5 years, and if you’re still with him you will be the lucky girl, but if your time frame is shorter then it will notmatch up

 

good luck

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