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Here are the two options that I would consider if I were you:
1. Talk to the bride and ask if it is possible for you to get another dress, because you don't love the style of her choice. But while you are doing this, be nice, and if she doesn't let you switch, let it go.
2. Ask if the dress could be delivered to your house and then alter it yourself with a local person (if it needs it). Others may not agree with me, but really it may not be worth your while to make a big deal about this. Let's face it: you probably won't really wear ANY bridesmaid dress again, no matter if it looks awesome or not. So maybe you could just get it altered and then wear it for one night and have that be the end of it?
If you can't let it go, though, talk to the bride. She will probably be willing to help you.
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I kinda think that when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you have to understand that you may not "love" all the choices that a bride makes. It's unfortunate that the dress she chose isn't your favorite, but I would probably go the route of having a good cry then "suck it up" and wear the dress. It's only one day, and I assume that this person is a close friend.
I would, however insist on the dress being shipped to you for alterations. Nobody wants to wear a dress that doesn't fit properly.
And if your "boob pops out" because the dress doesn't fit properly, it will be her fault ;)
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Being a bridesmaid entails wearing a dress of the bride's choice, you could have googled bridesmaid responsibilities (or asked the bride)when you were asked to be a bridesmaid, if you did not know this.
Blaming the bride for something that is very traditional (matching bridesmaids dresses) to the point of resenting her afterward the wedding makes you a pretty awful friend, imo. She has a lot of people to accomodate, not just you, and it sounds like she tried to be flexible by offering other designs and it was the other bridesmaids that chose one design. Having you in one style while everyone else is a different one would look really awkward.
If looking nice at the wedding is more of a priority for you that being a part of the wedding party (which is a totally valid choice) you should have declined from the start and should definitely decline NOW not AFTER you try on the dress.
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Definately ask her to ship the dress to you so you can have it porperly altered. Most strapless styles actually come with detached spaghetti straps, so you always add those if it's the being strapless that is the problem. You could also purchase a matching wrap or cardigan to wear after photos if you feel you are revealing too much skin. You could also try taking the dress to a specialty lingerie store to see if they sell any undergarments that might make you feel more secure.
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i'd suggest talking to the bride and explaning that your boobs will not be secure in the dress and ask if you can have the dress shipped to you so you can make proper alterations right away.
sounds like your friend (the bride) doesn't really have her act together. how she expects you to wear the dress without any alterations is beyond me. i think you should talk to her about it.
IMO, if the bridesmaids have to pay for their dress, they should get final say. if brides don't want their bmaids to have a say, then pay for all the dresses.
yeah she should have allowed more time for alterations and she could at least get it shipped to you (this is doable but usually has some sort of extra fee like $20). All bridesmaids need time for alterations because usually bridesmaid dresses are notorious for not running true to size. It still is possible also to get alterations with just one week you'll just have to pay more.
But honestly...I think we've all been in weddings where the dress wasn't super flaterring on us and although it would have been nice for her to let all her bridemaids wear whatever they wanted that just isn't the way it is. You just have to suck it in.
Hopefully your friend chose you and you agreed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding b/c you are one of her closest friends in the world. I would wear a potato sack if it meant being there for my closest friends. I'd never let something like personal vanity get in the way of that. And as a friend if someone told me they didn't want to be in my wedding b/c of vanity I would consider that friendship harmed (it's different if a friend can't afford it, it's something else if it's just a 'i won't be pretty' issue).
You wrote: What if the dress does not look flattering on my body? I will feel so uncomfortable and embarressed with my look. Should I just have myself a good cry and suck it up for her? Or would it be appropriate to refused to be in the wedding if I am this unhappy about the dress? If I am wearing such an ugly dress that makes me look and feel ugly in her wedding for all to see, I know I will just resent her for it for a long time.
This is her day, and it sounds like you want to make it about you. If you are close enough to her to be a bridesmaid, then yes -- you should just sucki it up! The only thing I would maybe ask her to do is have the dress sent directly to you so you can get your own alterations done. That said, she may have specific ideas for the hem, so you may still have to wait until a week before the wedding to get the hem done. I've been a bridesmaid many times and I've worn dresses that didn't fit, dresses that made me look green and sick, dresses that didn't flatter my body, and even one that the seamstress never finished and I had to be pinned in. I did this for my friends, because I love them, and I would never resent them.
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Thank you all for your comments/advices! I really appreciated!
I am really not trying to make this day about me. If anything I'd rather not be in the wedding, but attend as a guest but I couldn't say no to her bc I am the only friend in the wedding. I am just a little upset because she originally agreed for us to go and see/try on the dresses but once her sisters (all the other bride's maids) picked out the dress (they were able to see the dresses in their town before me), I feel like she just totally disregard me and told me there is no time for me to go take a look/try it. And basically just told me she's made her decision.
I'm flying out for the wedding, spending money on the dress, shoes, gifts etc....
I'm suppose to do her bridal shower bc the maid of honor is her younger sister and she doesn't know any better. But I talked to the bride she also wanted a bachelor's party as well. I was planning to do the shower a week before the wedding bc we all live in different states and no vacation/time or money to do it months before the wedding.
But now I am coming to realize that I may not be able to throw her a shower or a party because I may not have enough vacation time to go a week in advance to do that stuff. There's just too much going on, so I bascially told her I would not be able to do a shower for her. I feel bad but I can't get fire just to throw her a shower. Plus it's financially too much for me to do all that.
I have never been a bride's maid before and didn't quite know what to do or how I should react/ handle this! Anyway, thanks!
I don't think you should feel badly about any of your feelings on this. First of all, she initially told you that you could pick the dress style, and then changed her mind (apparently only because all the other girls picked a single style). That is not very fair to you - if she wanted all of you in the same dress, she should have started out that way.
You should definately tell her you need the dress shipped to your house. Depending on which line of dress she ordered, they sometimes really don't fit well when they come in, especially if you have nonstandard measurements (biggish hips for your waist, smallish boobs for your waist, etc). While most of the time as a bridesmaid you end up wearing some ugly thing the bride somehow thinks is fabulous, you do have the right to wear a dress that fits you. I would be firm on this. If the dress' destination can't be changed, tell her she needs to overnight it to you as soon as it comes in. Alterations could be really, really important, and its totally unfair of her to expect you to wear a dress that might not fit.
On the subject of the showers - if you're not the MOH, let it go. It sounds like every other one of her maids is local; they should get together and plan/host the parties. It was nice of you to offer, but totally unrealistic of her to accept, especially since you are not local! Don't even feel bad about it. If her local girls (her sisters?) can't get off their collective ass to throw her a party, they should be the ones feeling bad.
At least now you know how it goes. IMO, being a long distance bridesmaid is a total pain in the ass, but there are lots of things that the bride can do to make it easier. It doesn't sound like your friend has even taken that into account, which is not very considerate of her.
v - don't feel bad. sometimes brides get a little bit crazy during their wedding planning and think the world revolves around them. it sounds like you've been trying your best to be as accommodating as possible and she hasn't been giving you the same respect... so i can totally understand why you might be a little resentful.
i wish you the best of luck! im sorry this forum wasn't a little bit more sensitive to you. being a bm, moh, and bride all around the same time has taught me that everyone has stresses and its not fair for anyone to assume that you're right or wrong for feeling the way you do.
its true, in this day and age, being a bm has turned into a HUGE responsibility... but why does it have to be? weddings are supposed to be a day where we all celebrate together minus all this cattyness. we're friends, not servants.
Since this is your first time being a BM, I can understand why you're upset. I definitely did not understand the responsibility of being a BM before I planned my own wedding.
The bride asked you to be a BM for a reason, you must be close to her somehow. Do you really think she would purposely pick a dress that would be unflattering on you? It sounds like you're upset and emotional right now, so take a deep breath....and work to solve the one thing you can, the fit of the dress.
Group BM dress orders are often shipped to one address. Sounds like the bride is running short on time since the dresses are to arrive w/ only 2 weeks to the wedding. Ask the bride or the MOH to FedEx overnight the dress to you, where you can get it altered which should only take a few days.
That's really the only thing you can fix. The choice of the dress is up to the bride, and there is NO way she will ever make every BM happy. I am a MOH for a wedding next month and hate the dress, but would never tell that to my friend. I told her it's the best dress ever, knowing how much stress she is in.
I am more than willing to spend $200 on a dress I'll never wear again but it's worth it to be there for my friend on her most important day. I'll just donate the dress to www.glassslipperproject.org, they collect prom dresses for underprivileged girls.
If you are really that upset and looking good is worth more than being there for your friend, then you need to tell her now that you can't be in the wedding. Otherwise, be a great friend and work with her to make the most you can of it.
I think you're asking the wrong group of people haha.
Brides will of course think you should suck it up and go with it but as an impending bridesmaid myself, I think that paying $200 for an ugly dress plus all your other costs (flight/lodging/gift/showers etc)...is a bit out of hand. I think the best thing to do is to get it delivered to you so you can get it altered to fit a wee better. It's a little late to change the dresses. On the bright side, with everyone wearing the same thing, you won't stand out and no one really notice if it's not that flattering on you. It's ok--at this point in the game, have a good cry but do your best to get it altered in a more flattering way. It may turn out really pretty.
I say you shouldn't stress too much until the dress actually comes in. Plus, with a good tailor they can alter the dress to look amazing on you!
Hello!
I'm going through the same exact situation..being a long distant bm...i'm dealing with a last-minute bride too..which is very frustrating b/c her job (as a nurse) takes priority over wedding plans. She's also having me pick up my own expenses for the dress, travel and hotel..and I can't tell you how many times, I imagined telling her I just can't do this...(but I didn't b/c she was my BFF in college) I have to admit, I was a little pushy (selfish?) at the beginning of the process (when she didn't pick the dress yet) and then I took a step back and realized..UMMM-her wedding, HER day...SUCK it up! (this is my second time being a bm)
Luckily she's finally picked a dress after picking a previous one. (the previous one was a so-so dress that was going to be in an icky-color (terracotta)-THANK goodness, for that!) The new dress, ehh...i guess it's doable...we'll see. I ordered it from netbrides.com and I rush-ordered it too and it says it'll come by July 17th for a late August wedding. If I didn't rush it, it would have arrived the week before, leaving no time for alterations. There's only one other person standing up for her, the maid of honor and just trying to have email conversations with her is ridiculous. Let me tell you, how hard it is to get her to email me back, at all!
A store here has the dress style but not the color, so at least, i got to see how the dress looks. I'm crossing my fingers that it will look ok on me. (I also hate having to pay for an ugly dress!) I also live in a different state from the bride and from where the wedding will be..which, as I'm sure you can relate, makes the whole situation even more frustrating. YAY for mileage travel!
One tip about possibly wearing a dress you don't like, if yours is going to be a long dress (as in my situation), imagine how it will look short later. (for a cocktail dress or something) (so at least you can save it and wear again for later..)
One more thing...as my aunt says...wait until YOUR wedding and stick HER with the ugly dress! ;-)
Good luck with your situation!
PS. Another friend also asked me to be her bm the following month and I had to say no..I just can't deal with the stress of it all again in the next month!
I feel your pain. I was BM in my college roommate's wedding 2 summers ago. (one of 15 BM, makes you feel special huh?) anyway, we spent 350 on the dress alone, and it was horrible. I felt like a roman statue or something in the dress. I had it altered 3 times by the bridal shop that sold me the dress, I thought they would know what it was suppose to look like and didn't trust another person to do the alterations. The dress never fit right. I was still way to big, and I looked like a cow in it, or atleast I felt I looked like a cow in it. No one looked good in it, all 15 of us looked bad. I didn't understand why she picked this horrible dress, and made us buy these ugly shoes at $75 pc then have them dyed off white and the dress was to the floor with a train. But I sucked it up and did it without complaining, all of us did.
Even for the trip to Mexico, paying for our own hair and makeup, etc. etc.
Its her wedding, its her day. I felt gross, but she felt beautiful. And that's what was important. I love her, she's my friend, but she doesn't have the best taste. She thinks if it costs alot then its classy. Which we all know isn't true.
Now I'm getting married in June. I found lovely, simple dresses for $170, they can wear whatever shoes they like, and I'm paying for their hair and makeup.
V- I think you absolutely should talk to the bride... It's obviously too late for a dress change, but you at least deserve the chance to have it properly altered. I'm a bride who actually went out of her way to be sure that my BM's were all happy, all 6 of them. Granted we are using 3 different dress styles (I hate matchy looks), but I think it is ridiculous to expect a group of girls unless they are all the same size to look even decent in the same dress. They are paying for their own dresses and I would never expect them to drop $200 on something they hated. It's ludicrous to expect that! This is a bit of a rant here, but I am so over hearing brides go on about how this is "their day" and no one should question their decisions. Your a bride for one day, not the freaking Queen of England. One of my BMs recently dropped out of her own brothers wedding due to the chosen BM dress. Her FSIL refused to budge on the choice, and as sad as it is that she came to this decision, the dress honestly would have been humiliating on a girl her size. Wanting to look good for your friend on her wedding day is not wrong and it does not "make it all about you". As bride, I want all of my girls to look & feel their best, its a special day for all of us. I hope your able to work something out, best of luck with the dress!
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Again, thanks everyone for their inputs!
hehe I was just joking to one of my friend that why do I have to look and feel humiliating in order for the bride to feel special? Well, I'll have to wait and see when the time comes. Someday when I plan my own wedding, I won't make someone wear something that would make them feel embarrass for sure! Thats like putting the friendship gun on their head and saying " you're paying for this ugly dress and you're wearing it and you have no say because it's "my" day ".
Anyway, I've thought about it after reading all of your posts.....and I've decided I am just going to wear the dress, however it fit and do it. I don't have any other choice.
And really, it's not your wedding, so you don't even have to keep the pictures. It's your friend who will be stuck with an album full of photos of all of you in dresses that don't fit and/or don't look good on you. The guests will just be thinking "What was the bride thinking?" as they all know it's the bride's taste on parade, not yours.
I had a not-too-bad (not-that-great, never wore it again) dress for my sister's wedding. Nothing offensive, just not my style at all. It was from Nordstrom, a very simple, black, bias cut dress. The truly horrible thing was that she had us all get our hair done that morning, and mine looks quite awful to me. But she has the photos in an album; I have them in a box and never look at them. So really, its her loss! I had quite forgotten how horrible it was until I looked through her album for photos of her tables and cake, when starting to plan my own wedding. Now it's actually kind of funny. I absolutely should have known not to let a guy wearing multiple ropes of fake pearls and tight velvet pants do my hair.
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I hope I am posting in the right area. If not, I apologize.
I need some advice. My friend is getting marry in a few months and I am one of her bride's maid.
At first she picked out a few different designs to have the maids choose from, but now that time is running out, and all of the other maids have chosen one design,so she wants me to go with that design. The thing is, the dress will not be very flattering on my body type. I am paying for the dress myself and feel like I should at least pay for a dress I like, and feel good wearing it.
The worst part is she is having the dress order and it will arrive 2 weeks before the wedding. Not only do I have to wear that design, but I won't get to see the dress or try it on until a week before the wedding. The dresses are being ship to the state where the wedding will take place. We live in different states. That leaves no time for any alteration if need to. I am feeling very uncomfortable about this whole arrangement.
Whether I try the dress on before she orders or not, I don't have a choice...I have to wear what she has picked. I am very unhappy about this. I understand it is her wedding, but I also think it is important those who are in the wedding feels good about what they are wearing, esp if they are paying for the dress.
What if the dress does not look flattering on my body? I will feel so uncomfortable and embarressed with my look. Should I just have myself a good cry and suck it up for her? Or would it be appropriate to refused to be in the wedding if I am this unhappy about the dress? If I am wearing such an ugly dress that makes me look and feel ugly in her wedding for all to see, I know I will just resent her for it for a long time.
She better not be embarrass if my boobs pop out of my dress during her wedding bc it doesn't fit well or hold.
Your advices is much appreciated!
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