Post # 1
I hope I am posting in the right area. If not, I apologize.
I need some advice. My friend is getting marry in a few months and I am one of her bride’s maid.
At first she picked out a few different designs to have the maids choose from, but now that time is running out, and all of the other maids have chosen one design,so she wants me to go with that design. The thing is, the dress will not be very flattering on my body type. I am paying for the dress myself and feel like I should at least pay for a dress I like, and feel good wearing it.
The worst part is she is having the dress order and it will arrive 2 weeks before the wedding. Not only do I have to wear that design, but I won’t get to see the dress or try it on until a week before the wedding. The dresses are being ship to the state where the wedding will take place. We live in different states. That leaves no time for any alteration if need to. I am feeling very uncomfortable about this whole arrangement.
Whether I try the dress on before she orders or not, I don’t have a choice…I have to wear what she has picked. I am very unhappy about this. I understand it is her wedding, but I also think it is important those who are in the wedding feels good about what they are wearing, esp if they are paying for the dress.
What if the dress does not look flattering on my body? I will feel so uncomfortable and embarressed with my look. Should I just have myself a good cry and suck it up for her? Or would it be appropriate to refused to be in the wedding if I am this unhappy about the dress? If I am wearing such an ugly dress that makes me look and feel ugly in her wedding for all to see, I know I will just resent her for it for a long time.
She better not be embarrass if my boobs pop out of my dress during her wedding bc it doesn’t fit well or hold.
Your advices is much appreciated!
Post # 3
Here are the two options that I would consider if I were you:
1. Talk to the bride and ask if it is possible for you to get another dress, because you don’t love the style of her choice. But while you are doing this, be nice, and if she doesn’t let you switch, let it go.
2. Ask if the dress could be delivered to your house and then alter it yourself with a local person (if it needs it). Others may not agree with me, but really it may not be worth your while to make a big deal about this. Let’s face it: you probably won’t really wear ANY bridesmaid dress again, no matter if it looks awesome or not. So maybe you could just get it altered and then wear it for one night and have that be the end of it?
If you can’t let it go, though, talk to the bride. She will probably be willing to help you.
Post # 4
I kinda think that when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you have to understand that you may not "love" all the choices that a bride makes. It’s unfortunate that the dress she chose isn’t your favorite, but I would probably go the route of having a good cry then "suck it up" and wear the dress. It’s only one day, and I assume that this person is a close friend.
I would, however insist on the dress being shipped to you for alterations. Nobody wants to wear a dress that doesn’t fit properly.
And if your "boob pops out" because the dress doesn’t fit properly, it will be her fault 😉
Post # 5
Being a bridesmaid entails wearing a dress of the bride’s choice, you could have googled bridesmaid responsibilities (or asked the bride)when you were asked to be a bridesmaid, if you did not know this.
Blaming the bride for something that is very traditional (matching bridesmaids dresses) to the point of resenting her afterward the wedding makes you a pretty awful friend, imo. She has a lot of people to accomodate, not just you, and it sounds like she tried to be flexible by offering other designs and it was the other bridesmaids that chose one design. Having you in one style while everyone else is a different one would look really awkward.
If looking nice at the wedding is more of a priority for you that being a part of the wedding party (which is a totally valid choice) you should have declined from the start and should definitely decline NOW not AFTER you try on the dress.
Post # 6
Definately ask her to ship the dress to you so you can have it porperly altered. Most strapless styles actually come with detached spaghetti straps, so you always add those if it’s the being strapless that is the problem. You could also purchase a matching wrap or cardigan to wear after photos if you feel you are revealing too much skin. You could also try taking the dress to a specialty lingerie store to see if they sell any undergarments that might make you feel more secure.
Post # 7
i’d suggest talking to the bride and explaning that your boobs will not be secure in the dress and ask if you can have the dress shipped to you so you can make proper alterations right away.
Post # 8
sounds like your friend (the bride) doesn’t really have her act together. how she expects you to wear the dress without any alterations is beyond me. i think you should talk to her about it.
IMO, if the bridesmaids have to pay for their dress, they should get final say. if brides don’t want their bmaids to have a say, then pay for all the dresses.
Post # 9
yeah she should have allowed more time for alterations and she could at least get it shipped to you (this is doable but usually has some sort of extra fee like $20). All bridesmaids need time for alterations because usually bridesmaid dresses are notorious for not running true to size. It still is possible also to get alterations with just one week you’ll just have to pay more.
But honestly…I think we’ve all been in weddings where the dress wasn’t super flaterring on us and although it would have been nice for her to let all her bridemaids wear whatever they wanted that just isn’t the way it is. You just have to suck it in.
Hopefully your friend chose you and you agreed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding b/c you are one of her closest friends in the world. I would wear a potato sack if it meant being there for my closest friends. I’d never let something like personal vanity get in the way of that. And as a friend if someone told me they didn’t want to be in my wedding b/c of vanity I would consider that friendship harmed (it’s different if a friend can’t afford it, it’s something else if it’s just a ‘i won’t be pretty’ issue).
Post # 10
You wrote: What if the dress does not look flattering on my body? I will feel so uncomfortable and embarressed with my look. Should I just have myself a good cry and suck it up for her? Or would it be appropriate to refused to be in the wedding if I am this unhappy about the dress? If I am wearing such an ugly dress that makes me look and feel ugly in her wedding for all to see, I know I will just resent her for it for a long time.
This is her day, and it sounds like you want to make it about you. If you are close enough to her to be a bridesmaid, then yes — you should just sucki it up! The only thing I would maybe ask her to do is have the dress sent directly to you so you can get your own alterations done. That said, she may have specific ideas for the hem, so you may still have to wait until a week before the wedding to get the hem done. I’ve been a bridesmaid many times and I’ve worn dresses that didn’t fit, dresses that made me look green and sick, dresses that didn’t flatter my body, and even one that the seamstress never finished and I had to be pinned in. I did this for my friends, because I love them, and I would never resent them.
Post # 11
Thank you all for your comments/advices! I really appreciated!
I am really not trying to make this day about me. If anything I’d rather not be in the wedding, but attend as a guest but I couldn’t say no to her bc I am the only friend in the wedding. I am just a little upset because she originally agreed for us to go and see/try on the dresses but once her sisters (all the other bride’s maids) picked out the dress (they were able to see the dresses in their town before me), I feel like she just totally disregard me and told me there is no time for me to go take a look/try it. And basically just told me she’s made her decision.
I’m flying out for the wedding, spending money on the dress, shoes, gifts etc….
I’m suppose to do her bridal shower bc the maid of honor is her younger sister and she doesn’t know any better. But I talked to the bride she also wanted a bachelor’s party as well. I was planning to do the shower a week before the wedding bc we all live in different states and no vacation/time or money to do it months before the wedding.
But now I am coming to realize that I may not be able to throw her a shower or a party because I may not have enough vacation time to go a week in advance to do that stuff. There’s just too much going on, so I bascially told her I would not be able to do a shower for her. I feel bad but I can’t get fire just to throw her a shower. Plus it’s financially too much for me to do all that.
I have never been a bride’s maid before and didn’t quite know what to do or how I should react/ handle this! Anyway, thanks!
Post # 12
I don’t think you should feel badly about any of your feelings on this. First of all, she initially told you that you could pick the dress style, and then changed her mind (apparently only because all the other girls picked a single style). That is not very fair to you – if she wanted all of you in the same dress, she should have started out that way.
You should definately tell her you need the dress shipped to your house. Depending on which line of dress she ordered, they sometimes really don’t fit well when they come in, especially if you have nonstandard measurements (biggish hips for your waist, smallish boobs for your waist, etc). While most of the time as a bridesmaid you end up wearing some ugly thing the bride somehow thinks is fabulous, you do have the right to wear a dress that fits you. I would be firm on this. If the dress’ destination can’t be changed, tell her she needs to overnight it to you as soon as it comes in. Alterations could be really, really important, and its totally unfair of her to expect you to wear a dress that might not fit.
On the subject of the showers – if you’re not the MOH, let it go. It sounds like every other one of her maids is local; they should get together and plan/host the parties. It was nice of you to offer, but totally unrealistic of her to accept, especially since you are not local! Don’t even feel bad about it. If her local girls (her sisters?) can’t get off their collective ass to throw her a party, they should be the ones feeling bad.
At least now you know how it goes. IMO, being a long distance bridesmaid is a total pain in the ass, but there are lots of things that the bride can do to make it easier. It doesn’t sound like your friend has even taken that into account, which is not very considerate of her.
Post # 13
v – don’t feel bad. sometimes brides get a little bit crazy during their wedding planning and think the world revolves around them. it sounds like you’ve been trying your best to be as accommodating as possible and she hasn’t been giving you the same respect… so i can totally understand why you might be a little resentful.
i wish you the best of luck! im sorry this forum wasn’t a little bit more sensitive to you. being a bm, moh, and bride all around the same time has taught me that everyone has stresses and its not fair for anyone to assume that you’re right or wrong for feeling the way you do.
its true, in this day and age, being a bm has turned into a HUGE responsibility… but why does it have to be? weddings are supposed to be a day where we all celebrate together minus all this cattyness. we’re friends, not servants.
Post # 14
Since this is your first time being a BM, I can understand why you’re upset. I definitely did not understand the responsibility of being a BM before I planned my own wedding.
The bride asked you to be a BM for a reason, you must be close to her somehow. Do you really think she would purposely pick a dress that would be unflattering on you? It sounds like you’re upset and emotional right now, so take a deep breath….and work to solve the one thing you can, the fit of the dress.
Group BM dress orders are often shipped to one address. Sounds like the bride is running short on time since the dresses are to arrive w/ only 2 weeks to the wedding. Ask the bride or the MOH to FedEx overnight the dress to you, where you can get it altered which should only take a few days.
That’s really the only thing you can fix. The choice of the dress is up to the bride, and there is NO way she will ever make every BM happy. I am a MOH for a wedding next month and hate the dress, but would never tell that to my friend. I told her it’s the best dress ever, knowing how much stress she is in.
I am more than willing to spend $200 on a dress I’ll never wear again but it’s worth it to be there for my friend on her most important day. I’ll just donate the dress to http://www.glassslipperproject.org, they collect prom dresses for underprivileged girls.
If you are really that upset and looking good is worth more than being there for your friend, then you need to tell her now that you can’t be in the wedding. Otherwise, be a great friend and work with her to make the most you can of it.
Post # 15
I think you’re asking the wrong group of people haha.
Brides will of course think you should suck it up and go with it but as an impending bridesmaid myself, I think that paying $200 for an ugly dress plus all your other costs (flight/lodging/gift/showers etc)…is a bit out of hand. I think the best thing to do is to get it delivered to you so you can get it altered to fit a wee better. It’s a little late to change the dresses. On the bright side, with everyone wearing the same thing, you won’t stand out and no one really notice if it’s not that flattering on you. It’s ok–at this point in the game, have a good cry but do your best to get it altered in a more flattering way. It may turn out really pretty.
Post # 16
I say you shouldn’t stress too much until the dress actually comes in. Plus, with a good tailor they can alter the dress to look amazing on you!