Post # 1
If your fiance disclosed to you, when you first started dating, that he had a high number of sexual partners, would that have changed anything? Do you think you would have hesitated entering a relationship, or not entered it at all?
I ask, not because my fiance has a high number, but his nephew. Him and his nephew are very close. His nephew is 20 years old and just came back from deployment. He told us that he’s slept with 45 girls, so far. He said he uses protection, thank god!
We worry about when, later in life, he meets the girl he wants to get serious with and how she’ll take to hearing about a high number. By then his number will have grown to who-knows-what. I worry for him that it will affect his relationships and how he connects with women.
He told us that when he’s deployed all everyone talks about is sex, and that he feels the pressure to keep up.
Ladies with a high number, has your number ever negatively impacted your relationship (whether that be jealousy, insecurity, regret, or loss of relationship)?
Honestly, if fiance had told me in the beginning that he had slept with 50+ women, I probably wouldn’t enter a relationship. I would think I was just another notch in his belt. I’d be scared of getting an std. I would also think he had intimacy issues.
Post # 2
SprinkleDonut: My ex was a well known man whore. He had to wait until it was clear he wanted a relationship, not sex. The number doesn’t matter to me, as long as it is clear what the intentions are.
I also never asked DH’s number and he doesn’t know mine. We have a general idea, but I don’t care how many before me. I care I was the last
Post # 3
Honestly I don’t think people should share numbers. I don’t see how it’s helpful in a relationship to picture your partner with X amount of people. As long as someone is healthy sexually (no stds, HIV), treats their partner with respect, and is faithful then specifics are irrelevent and if I knew him I would suggest that he stop with the number-bragging and act like a gentleman.
Post # 4
In general, I think it’s really narrow-minded and judgmental to use someone’s past against them, especially when it comes to something like how many sexual partners they’ve had. As long as it’s consensual, and no one is cheating, it’s really nobody’s business who sleeps with who. The number of sexual partners in someone’s past does not speak at all to their moral character. Further, there’s nothing to be gained whatsoever from telling other people how many partners you’ve had, and it’s a hot-button topic that stirs up too many negative emotions (not that it should– but it does!) so it’s pretty aimless to go trading numbers.
Post # 5
SprinkleDonut: Hmm..well I guess mine is not considered high then. While I’m still in the single digits (including my husband), my husband is in the double digits. For me, I’m kind of insecure becuase of the fact that I think I’m not experienced compared to my husband. While my count is closer to the double digits (9), four of those people I slept with once. And only two (including my husband) I was in a committed relationship. So I always feel that I have no experience compared to my husband who’s clearly much more experienced than I am (I’ve asked him).
For me, if my husband had a high count, and I mean high I would be less worried about STDs and if I was tick in his belt and more worried that he couldn’t connect with women on an emotional level. Which to me, is very important. Obviously I wouldnt’ want to get an STD, but relating to someone on an emotional level is just as important to keeping a relationship thriving.
Post # 6
DH and I were virgins when we started dating. For me personally, it wasn’t important that the person I was dating be a virgin, but they needed to have a low “number.” I actually met a guy shortly before I met DH and his number was the biggest reason I wasn’t interested in more than friendship with him, (he was also a smoker, which is a deal-breaker for me, but you can QUIT smoking, you can’t erase the number of people you have been with).
For a lot of people, the number of sexual partners you’ve had in the past isn’t important, and that’s fine. For some people, though, it IS important, and I think they have a right to know that information and decide if they want to pursure a relationship or not. I think it’s part of finding someone with similar values to your own. I DO think if this is imporant to one/both people in the relationship, it needs to be discussed at the beginning of the relationship or prior to dating, (sometimes you see Bees on here at risk of a breakup because a long-time partner is suddenly wanting to talk numbers).
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
SprinkleDonut: We’ve never disclosed the numbers to each other, but I’m at 9 and I get the impression DH is somewhere near 20ish. This is a little tmi but he’s really talented, so I’m not complaining, and it was very clear from the get-go that he was serious about a relationship. I don’t feel jealous or worried at all… I’m glad he has the experience to be a great husband to me.
I don’t think your nephew would be doing himself any favours to be telling this number to people, especially a potential partner, as it comes off as bragging. But the military culture does seem to be lile that. But I don’t think it’ll hold him back either. There are plenty of women who like experienced lovers and aren’t jealous of ex-partners.
Post # 8
My partner’s number is in the triple digits and I admit I did feel a bit weird about it in the beginning. I felt like he might get bored with just me from now on. I am absolutely fine with it now and never think about it. He only has eyes for me and has never made me feel like I was just another number.
Post # 9
A high number would be a real turn off for me, but only because I’ve been extremely judicious about my sexual partners and haven’t slept around. My bf and I have both had a very low number of partners and I’m grateful for that. It would feel less special to me if i was number 46.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t want to know if my partner had a high number… would gross me out! I’d rather that info was just kept to himself
Post # 11
I think the right person would have similar values in regards to that issue. The right person for him would not judge him for it, just like the right person for someone else would have had a lower number,not ask, or whatever is compatible with that persons beliefs on that issue.
Post # 12
SprinkleDonut: I wouldn’t bother me one iota. My number is pretty high (18 by the time I was 18; only reason it isn’t higher is because I’ve been with my OH for 9 years (27 now)), and one ex was bothered by it; it thought he was a hypocrite and a douche (we split, though it was unrelated).
Anyone who judge me for how many people I’d had sex with is not someone I would want to be with, as firstly, I find that attitude old-fashioned and judgemental, and it would probably mean we clashed with other views, and secondly, I would see them as having a very different attitude to sex and sexuality, and being compatible in that area is important to me.
Post # 13
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
I was infinitely more experienced than my partner (as he had none). All I can say is thank goodness one of us knew what we were doing. He’s grateful for my experience, not judgemental. If he was like that we would never have hit it off.
Post # 14
SprinkleDonut: My number is probably in the 30s-40s. Honestly my guy has never asked, I’ve never asked him either. It seems odd to me, is that a thing people ask each other? I can’t recall ever being questioned about it. I figure, it was before we met, so if his number is 5 or 50, really what’s the difference? We both got tested for everything (years ago when we first got together), so as long as that’s not an issue I can’t imagine why it would come up. I’ve also never disclosed what positions I’ve done, all the places I’ve had sex, etc. I mean, if he asked I wouldn’t lie, but I seriously doubt he really wants to know, just as I’d rather not know about his past sex life. That being said, if a guy gave me crap about my number I’d consider his judgment a deal breaker.
Post # 15
It wouldn’t bother me. My number is around 30 (I honestly haven’t bothered working it out exactly). I’ve never had an sti or a pregnancy scare. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would judge me for my number, and other people’s numbers have never been something that I cared about. I require an sti test before I have unprotected sex with any new partner, and as long as they’re clean it’s fine with me 🙂