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So I have posted on here before about my FI's bachelor party. Our plan was to drive to Dallas and have one big group party for the guys and the girls. He is friends with my girls and I am friends with his guys, plus most of us are couples so we thought it would be fun. In the past few months of planning, he and I have discussed strip clubs many many times, and I have told him over and over my thoughts on how disrespectful I think it is to go to a stripclub for a bachelor party, be cause its the rudest way you can show celebration over marrying the love of your life. Any other time I DONT CARE AT ALL about strip clubs, but absolutely not on the bachelor party. We we agreed, and i figured I didnt have anything to worry about since it was a group party... boy was I wrong.
While the girls and I were getting ready, the boys said they were going to the hotel bar to wait. They got a limo and LEFT US. The all went out.. to a freaking strip club. My FI text me and said " i know you will have more fun with just you girls, I love you baby". Apparently the guys had planned this and some of my friends knew but I was in the dark about the whole thing. I was so in shock I couldnt believe it. How could my FI who ALWAYS thinks about my feelings do this a week before our wedding =(
I went out with my girls and made the best of it and ended up having fun... but then when we got back to the hotel for the afterparty in on of the suites, my FI was so drunk he was lying on the bathroom floor, puking his guts out. So guess who ended up staying in our room taking care of him while everyone else afterpartied... thats right me. After being stoodup basically.. i had to cut my fun short in order to keep him from drowning in the toilet.
I'm so frustrated... I'm supposed to marry him in 5 days.. and its supposed to be the happiest day of my life where i look into his eyes adoringly and say I do.. and all I cant think is how mad I am. How do I get over it?? =(
Yikes! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. That's a tough thing to have happen to you right before your wedding and I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I would be fuming, not to mention devastated. It seems so sneaky, especially considering it's something you guys talked about.
I'd recommend sitting down for a serious talk- explain why you feel so hurt, and see what he has to say. He should certainly apologize for being so insensitive. I'm hoping he will.
When all is said and done, however, it IS just the bachelor party, and many a lady have gotten absolutely furious over bachelor parties in the past. Personally I'm not looking forward to my fiance's one iota because I know a similar thing will happen. I don't get why guys must do the whole strip club thing, but I think it is some kind of rite of passage that we women just don't understand. It seems so wrong from our point of view. However, I think that you should try your hardest to take it at face value- a stupid guy moment your man had, most likely due to peer pressure- and remember why you love him. Since you're so close to your wedding, I'd say cut him some slack so that you can both enjoy your day and each other. That's what this is all about, after all.
He better have a REALLY GOOD apology, though!! Keep us posted! ((HUGS))
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You just need to let it go. This is small potatoes next to what is going to come up in the course of your marriage so keep that in mind. Make sure he understands what he did was wrong- don't let him off completely but don't let this be the ruin of the beginning of your life together.
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I'd be interested to hear your fiance's side of the story. I would definitely ask him why he feels that it was ok to do what he did after you clearly communicated in advance what your expectations were. I am feeling pretty mad on your behalf. I don't understand why so many men seem to believe it is their god-given right to go to a strip club for their bachelor party. I am definitely on the same page as you- why would you want to have a naked woman rub all over you to celebrate our marriage?
I've found that in these situations, it's usually best to have a long discussion with the FI. (This particular situation would probably lead to a yelling screaming FIGHT) Try to make him see your side, and I bet he'll feel awful about it.
Wow. What is his side of the story? Did he know what was being planned or was he forced into the limo, a victim of peer pressure? Maybe since you don't normally think strip clubs are a big deal he figured that he could get away with it. It sounds like you ended up having fun, and that one of the worst parts was that you had to babysit him instead of being with your friends...what did he have to say for himself the next day?
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I understand how you could be upset! I would be more upset about the way he went about it. Sneaking out, and leaving me like that would not be okay! I wouldn't be upset about the strip club as much as I would be the other! I would sit down and have a big talk. Talk it out and find out what made him think that it was okay to go about it that way! And what made him think you would be okay with it. Sometimes people get caught up in the moment of things going on and don't see the big pictures. But you really need to talk about this with him and tell him how you feel. In the end it could be all okay and your wedding day will still be the best day of your life! Wish you luck!
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What would bother me isn't quite so much the fact that they went out to a strip club (even though I'm right there with ya on your opinions of strip clubs) but that he didn't tell you that they were doing that! Yikes.
But I do think josalynn has a good point. In the long run, it's not going to matter so much, and if I were you I'd just try and sit down and explain how awful that felt for you and how much it hurt your feelings and hopefully he'll come up with a REALLY good way to make it up to you :)
Agree that you have a right to be upset over it, but agree with Josalyn that this is small potatoes. It was likely a situation of peer pressure (which is no excuse), but at this point, I think you just need to let it go and rejoice in your marriage.
Have an amazing wedding weekend!
I'm trying to find a time and place to talk to him, my cousin flew down last friday and is staying with us until the wedding, so I dont wanna talk about it in front of her. From what I have been told, he didnt want a group party, he just said he did to make me happy, but planned to do what he wanted once down there.. since there would be nothing I could do about it (this is obviously my interpretation because his best man told me he knew the plans). He hasnt apologized... well he did once, drunkenly while i was helping him off the bathroom floor, but I dont think that counts... I tried to bring it up in bed last night and he got mad and said I'm always controlling everything...
We have a totally open and honest relationship and from what i thought, communicate well... now suddenly he is saying I am controlling.. and after the weekend behavior i am freaking out.
Your story reminds me of this article that I read over on IndieBride about how one guy's bachelor party ruined their marriage - mostly because of the lying and dishonesty. http://www.indiebride.com/essays/cole/index.html
I would start by showing the article to your guy - because even though I am 100% sure that his response will be "what I did wasn't anywhere near that bad" or he will try to blame his friends, you can explain to him, "yeah, but you lied to me, you disrespected me, you DITCHED me, and you really hurt my feelings and YOU need to take responsibility for your poor choices and actions."
I agree that the bachelor party itself is probably small potatoes that you need to get over - but his behavior regarding it isn't. I would talk to his best man also, and figure out how much of a role your FI played in the party - if he booked the limo, strippers, and everything else himself, you have a pretty big problem. If his friends grabbed him and lied to him about how they were just going for a role and one of them sent the text messages and they tied him up and poured alcohol down his throat? He's probably not as responsible and you have a bigger problem with his friends. I would have killed my FI if he had been the best man and pulled a stunt like this.
Bottom line is that you need to talk, and if he doesn't want to talk about it, tough. You tell him that you have a right to spend just as much time talking about this with him as you did holding his head over the toilet.
I would make a dinner date tonight or tomorrow night without your cousin and explain your feelings and find out why he felt the need to keep things a secret. If I were in your shoes, I would try my best to avoid a knock down drag out fight in the week before your wedding. I would be honest with him and explain that this is not OK behavior, etc.
GOOD LUCK!
Wow lots of stuff going on here.
First, I would be ticked at the entire BP. It seems like everyone knew and didn't tell you. They all betrayed you. And it wasn't even a night that you were planning on being without him anyway, staying home watching Grey's Anatomy or something. They changed your plans. Not to mention wrecking the rest of your night to boot :(
Second, I agree strip clubs are wrong. They have no place around a union of two people and are completely sinful. Not good. And it doesn't even come across like he was admant against going, and was tricked into it by the GMs, or something. (Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm getting the impression he was in on the plan.)
No one else here can tell you how big of a deal strip clubs should or shouldn't be. And no, not all men feel it is a right of passage. Not all men like or need strip clubs. And personally I would be more concerned if it was something my husband wanted to do after the wedding. But the fact that you say you don't really care about strip clubs, other than the wedding, leaves me kind of confused. I know you don't want to have it associated with the wedding. Are you afraid that your FI being the "reason" for going, he will get extra naughty attention???
If you are serious that strip clubs don't normally bother you, I don't think you should hold it against him. He lied and betrayed you, which isn't good. And others did as well. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around how you really feel about the topic. But I kind of wonder if it's just something like other wedding details you just had envisioned a certaiin way, and didn't get your way. Do you feel like you want to call of the wedding? Are you nervous that he's going to lie to you about other things in the future? I do agree you should talk to him. I think that will make you feel better.
Good luck. I'm upset for you. He certainly needs to understand and apologize for having lied and betrayed you. Good luck.
So I just read the article that EDB posted a link too and want to vomit! My guy has not had his bach party yet and of course the article is every girl's worst nightmare. The article makes a good point about honesty and respect, but I caution you not to let your imagination run away with you.
Most bachelor parties involving strip clubs DO NOT end with infidelity. Lap dances, yes. The games described in the article, likely not.
You just need to find out what happened and explain why what happened hurts you. I recommend against googling bachelor parties or strip clubs because the results you will come up with will be endless (and none will be good for you to look at in the week before your wedding).
I dont want to call off the wedding, and I do believe that he didn't INTENTIONALLY do it to hurt me.. I think he agreed with me all along about no stripclubs in order to keep me from fighting about it.. then figured once it was actually happening there was nothing I can do about it. I think strip clubs are gross, but I've never wanted to be the girl that seems insecure about it, so I have always told him I didnt mind him going... that being said, he only has gone 1 time in the 3 years we have been together. The reason I see it differently for a bachelor party, is because I am personally AGAINST bachelor parties in general.... I think its stupid to go out and act like its the last night of freedom... and going to a strip club a week before the wedding and having naked girls grind on you is the worst way to say "cant wait to marry you and spend my life with you".... I know it may not make sense but thats just how I feel. What bothers me is that for 3 years, everytime we have talked about a bachelor party and i have voiced my opinion, he has agreed with me! I have always said I wanted a big group celebration party.. and he has honestly always agreed with me.. until the day of the stupid party!
Obviously its something I have to get over, I agree with you guys on that... but how do I do that? I honestly cant even stand to look at him right now.. how do I get it off my mind and get those butterfly feelings back that I have had everyday of planning this wedding? He isn't trying to make it better.. he isnt apologizing.. he knows I am upset and he is just blowing me off...
btw, sorry to sound whiney and immature over this, I just am honestly in complete shock and in total FREAKOUT mode because this isn't his personality at all.. he has always treated me so perfectly and always puts my feelings first.. why is he suddenly doing this a week before the wedding...?
You've gotten a lot of good advice so I won't post too much again, but wanted to throw in how important it is that you work this out before the wedding. Find time to get away from your cousin and really TALK about this. One of my friends husband's got a DUI the night of his bachelor party, which was of course one week before the wedding, and she had to bail him out of jail and was SO FURIOUS with him that all her memories of her wedding and honeymoon are AWFUL. I don't want the same to happen to you, so if this is so important to you that you find you can't let it go and it might hamper your wedding and honeymoon, please please please try to get him to talk to you, see your side, and for god's sakes, apologize!! He owes you that at least!
Oh wow. Yikes. Honestly, if the wedding were further out, I'd say call it off or postpone. He lied to you, completely disrespected you in multiple ways, ditched you, and, knowing how badly he hurt you, refuses to apologize. That's bad. That's real bad. Being so close to the wedding I don't know what I would do, but DO NOT let this slide. I disagree that it's small potatoes... he knowingly massively disrespected you, and refuses to apologize for it.
I really don't think you are being immature. You got blindsided by this. You have a right to feel upset. I'm concerned:
1. That he wants to just blow this off and not talk. Why? Is he awful at communicating when you argue? Does he know he really messed up and can't face it yet....."It's hard for me to say I'm sorry."
2. That he seemed to agree with you for a long time. Why didn't he express his own feelings? I don't know if your guessing or if he admitted it, but it seems he went along with you just to keep from fighting. But what did he think would happen once he actually went? I would be concerned about his unwillingess to communicate. It's not like you never told him your feelings or originally said it was OK. He tricked you, and won't talk to you or apologize. I'd be upset.
You've admitted it's not like you are just goin to cancel the wedding. You need to have it out. (And go ahead and let him have his say about you being controlling.) You've been together for awhile. And you are planning to marry. I would think it would be worth it to both of you to try to start your marriage off right.
If he refuses, I think that gives you a lot to think about how married life will be for the two of you.
I do think the two of you need to have a very serious discussion about this. I'm not really in agreement with the other girls that this is a small potatoes deal. Setting aside the fact that he went to a strip joint, he lied to you and ditched you, doing something he agreed he wouldn't do when he knew it bothered you. His attitude of agreeing with what you wanted and then doing whatever he wanted to do because you couldn't do anything about it is dangerous thinking. He needs to understand that you don't want to control him, and agreeing with you to your face and then doing the opposite behind your back is unacceptable - doing something like that completely ruins the trust you have built. Let him know you want to know his feelings and are completely open to compromise - he just needs to be upfront with you about what he wants rather than simply telling you what you want to hear.
Since this is so out of character for him, it could be that he's nervous about the wedding. Especially if his friends have been saying anything negative (referring to you as the "ball and chain," etc.), it could be that he's worried that married life will be different and you'll try to "be in charge" all the time once you're husband and wife. Perhaps you can approach your conversation that way - ask him if he thinks things will change when you're married, openly discuss each other's fears. Tell him you think the bachelor party was completely out of character for him, you never meant to control the situation, you wanted him to tell you what he wanted rather than just going along with what you wanted. You don't want trust to be destroyed between you two and you don't want resentment to build if he feels he has to "obey" you all the time.
THis is all really good advice. I am going to try to talk to him tonight, take him out to dinner or something. I will update tomorrow.
I love my bee girls, thank you for listening to my spazzing out!!! lol
I want to clarify that my "small potatoes" comment was made before it became clear that he was plotting to have "this" bachelor party all along and lied about it.
I think the issue with the strip club is not a big deal but the lying/refusing to apologize when he knows he hurt you is a bigger deal and you should definitely discuss it tonight/tomorrow night.
I am really annoyed at your guy and feel sorry that the week before your wedding is dampered in any way.....chin up!
Please keep us updated. You are not being whiny or immature *at all.* You have every right to be seriously upset by this, especially by his refusal to apologize for upsetting you by lying about his plans and sneaking out.
Frankly it kind of sounds like he knows he was wrong and doesn't want to own up to it, so he's placing the blame on you. You are absolutely right to be angry in this situation!!! You're not being immature or selfish. Maybe instead of bringing up the bachelor party as the reason for your anger- make the point that the lying and deceit are what are upsetting you, and see how he reacts to that.
I can definitely understand your disappointment, as it seems that your grand plan didn't turn out flawless and in part to your future husband. It seems like you are the most upset with the communication loop that you were not in, but in the grand scheme of things both parties had fun. Sure you ended up taking care of your future husband (but for better or for worse right)?
I am going to go against the grain and say that the week before the wedding is not the time or place to have a lengthy discussion about this especially if it is out of character for him; unless of course it is a "deal breaker". It was likely a one incident event. The week before the wedding is one of the most trying and emotional weeks you will experience, so surround yourself with love and support. Your wedding will be beautiful and the bachelor party will one day become a story of entertainment. Remember why you are marrying him the first place and that this will not be the hardest event you will have to overcome in your marriage.
Good Luck!
I agree that, since you've said you don't mind strip clubs, the most concerning part of this is that he went along with what you said, then did what he wanted behind your back.
If he thinks it's a good strategy to agree with you to your face and then go behind your back about a bachelor party, what about agreeing to move for a job? What about buying a car or a house? If you're planning on having kids, what about parenting decisions you two might make in the future? (I know more than a few dads who dispense candy like a machine and forget all about bedtime when they're in charge - it doesn't work well for the mom.)
The issue isn't about strippers - it's about communication, honesty, making decisions together and sticking to them. And if he can't do that, he isn't ready for marriage. I'm not saying he can't - but he's definitely raised some suspicions, and you need to show him the bigger picture and ask if this is what your life is going to be like. Keep us informed, and best of luck!
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Absolutely WorcesterBride! The issue that needs to be resolved is whether it's okay (and I hope that you agree that it is not) for him to lie to you in order to get his way - because that's basically what he did. He "agreed" to a set of plans, basically to avoid any chance of you disagreeing with his actual plans, and then did whatever he wanted. The part where he tried to justify it by texting you that you would have more fun this way anyway just makes it worse. This is a really bad strategy in a marriage, and you should be asking yourself whether you can really count on him in regards to any agreement you make.
I also think, by the way, that giving up the rest of your evening to clean him up was probably a mistake. I'm sure that he's managed to avoid drowning in the toilet before. It's not like he had the flu or something - he purposely went out and got sh*t-faced drunk. It's not your job to clean up after him, especially after a stunt like that. It might have taught him a lesson if you had tossed your stuff in your suitcase, walked out of the hotel room, and let him wake up in the morning wondering where the heck you were. As it is, I'm afraid that what he has learned is that he can really get away with whatever he likes. I would try really hard to correct that impression, as soon as possible.
Too add my two cents, I agree with what many others stated, that is isn't so much about a strip club, but rather his actions of lying to your face, leaving you, etc.
Make sure that at your dinner tonight, you stay focused on those actions, and try not to make this a discussion about stip clubs. The most important lesson for your FI to learn is to be honest at all times & not be deceptive.
Good Luck!!
I just talked to him... and im bawling uncontrollably. He doesnt own up to anything, he says that I said it was okay.. i never once said it was okay. and he admitted to getting lap dances. why would he do this to me a week before the wedding???? I know I know, we need to talk it out.. but i honestly cant even look him in the face without feeling sick to my stomach.
I completely agree with WorcesterBride and Suzanno! You need to make this conversation about the bigger things. If he does something like this now, how will he handle the major issues that come up in a marriage? Please make sure he understands your concern, apologizes for his dishonesty and promises not to carry this behavior into your marriage. Don't let him bring the conversation down to you being upset about a strip club, because that is SO not the point, and it won't go anywhere. Good luck!
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Awwww @lic- try to regain control and calm down. Set aside time to discuss this with him rather than talking to him about it piece meal. He probably won't react well to little snippets of questioning and instead you should just sit down with him and discuss all at once.
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Lilc -- did you talk on the phone, or face to face? Did the conversation focus on his deception, or just on the strip club (which isn't the larger issue, even if it's upsetting?)
Hang in there...I don't have any great advice on this, but I wanted you to know that many of us are listening and want you to find some peace on this. This sounds super hard and frustrating. From my perspective, it also seems like it feels harder b/c of stress related to your wedding in just a few days (not to say that you wouldn't be upset otherwise, just perhaps less so).
My immediate advice is to let yourself have the cry you need. Then think of the one thing that always makes you happy (a walk, new shoes, ice cream, a stupid Meg Ryan movie...the last two are what work for me), and do that without thinking about anything else. After that consider your next step (talk to him, let it go, third option that I can't think of)...but first let yourself find some space for just you.
Awww *hugs* I'm so sorry he's acting like this, it sounds like he's being really unfair and I agree with erindesmar -- it'll be most productive if you sit down together to talk about it all at once, so just try calm down and wait until you get a chance to talk at length. Also someone mentioned keeping the conversation focused on the fact he ditched on your original plan and not the strip club ordeal. I know it's gotta be really hard, but we're all here for you!
You said that the girls who were with you also knew about this plan? Are you friends with any of the guys? Maybe you could try talking to one of them to get some perspective? Try to figure out why he thought this would be ok. I'm astonished that knowing how much it upset you he is saying you agreed to it, when you clearly had agreed to other plans. I'm so sorry!
we talked on the phone..bad bad I know. I tried talk about the deception part and he said that when us girls ran to the mall before we got ready to go out, they all took that as we were splitting up for the night. Then of course I wanted to know why he would go to the stripclub knowing i didnt agree with that and he said his BM said that I had ok'ed it, and that I should be mad at the BM not him. Um... even so, my FI clearly knew my feelings and that i would not just suddenly change them. I told him i didnt want to talk anymore until we can sit down tonight and discuss it face to face.
Oh Sweetie....
. Be strong, keep pressing on. Get to the bottom of this. If he is really feeling you are controlling, start with that. Think of what you can do about yourself to make things better.
If he has normally not been like this, I am terribly uneasy as to why all of a sudden he's shut down.
We are all rooting for you.
Hugs!
I have asked one of my friends to get the truth from her bf, he is the only guy that isnt as close to my FI as he is to me.. so I;m pretty sure he will tell me the truth.
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this is a tough situation and I am so sorry it is happening the week you are going to be married.
I went and read the post from a month ago about your bachelor/ette parties you mentioned above. It does seem like your fiance was trying to communicate, however poorly, about how this whole thing. I am guessing he was making the classic mistake of trying to make everyone happy - you and his friend - and ended up failing miserably with the person he should have most concerned with. In his mind, he probably thought you had talked about this whole thing.
all I can suggest is to take a deep breath, wait to see him, and - hard as it might be - try to really listen to him and not just focus on making him see it your way. I totally agree with the other posters here on the fact that he screwed up in a lot of ways, but I still believe it will be helpful to really try to hear his side of the story and work together to figure out why the miscommunication happened - and for him to own up to his (huge) part in all of this! please let us know how it goes and best of luck.
lilcfitness-- I'm sos orry that you have to deal with this a week before your wedding. This is such an emotional time-- it should be filled with feelings of love and happiness and anticipation, not these feelings that you are going through.
It sounds like the most difficult part of the situation is thaa he doesn't want to talk about it. Before the party, it sounds like you two agreed on what was acceptable and what wasn't acceptable. Once he got there, he decided to think like an individual and do whatever he wanted, rather than think like a couple and do what is best for both of you. It would be one thing if he had a party planned without you, and his friends happened to get a stripper, but the fact that as a couple you planned out a group party, and then they literally lied and said they were at the bar, and then left for the rest of the night... well, that seems like a big problem.
What has worked for me in the past is writing out everything I feel. First, I write down everything that is going through my head. If a bunch of feelings pop up at once, I jot them all down on a list, and then write about them one by one. Then, take that long letter and try to read through it and figure out what you are REALLY feeling. Are you upset by the strippers? Are you upset that he just ditched you and you didn't have your group party? Are you upset that he pretended to agree with you and then didn't? Are you upset that he told his friends his real plans and not you?
Once you know what you are REALLY upset about, then I think you need to talk to him. If he shuts down, then write him a letter, or show him the REAL things that are bothering you. Don't worry about the small little details-- but tell him (or write them out on paper) the BIG, MAJOR ISSUES that are bothering you and why they are bothering you. And explain what this means for the marriage. Are you guys going to get over this and move on? Are you concerned about your future relationship and the quality of your marriage?
He might be trying to blow this one over because you ARE getting married in a week, and once you are married, the commitment is a little more secure, so he might just think this will fade with time.
I think that you might want to try to get through this as quickly as possible (meaning, talk to him about everything, but then realize that you might just have to let go of some of the disappointment and sadness that you are feeling) so that you can enjoy these last few days before the wedding. The last thing you want is to go into the wedding being sad and hurt.
Oh, no!!! Sending hugs your way! I'm so sorry that this has happened to you! Can you maybe jot all your feelings down in a letter and make him read that? When i'm REALLY upset, that helps me stay focused on the topic, versus blubbering (which I'm notorious for!). Then, maybe your fiance will realize ALL your feelings about this and the big picture, instead of just what you can remember at that very second. That might help you stay more on topic and not forget anything you want to talk about. I think it's incredibly disrespectful that he agreed all this time and suddenly changed! And his best man lying to him about you saying "yes" is a load of crock! What a POC friend. Who causes trouble in a couples' marriage-to-be?! He shouldn't just pass the blame like that, either, boo. Maybe your FI is being really defensive, so find out why. Why he isn't just sorry he upset you. Even if he didn't think it was going to be a big deal, it has blown up in his face and he should be sorry that you are upset, regardless of what his original intentions were and how he thought they would pan out. Tell him you really need to talk about this with him and you need him to take you seriously because you are very upset and he needs to respect that, whether or not he agrees. Just because he doesn't "get it" or understand, he needs to be compassionate and realize why and how he has hurt you and your side of it. He needs to know this is serious and he needs to be truly sorry! You don't want to start your marriage off on a wrong foot. Good luck!!!
How can you be excited for your day, with this dark cloud hanging over your head? It's not okay what he did. And it doesn't sound as if he is even owning up to it either. Even if they hadn't gone to a strip joint they still ditched you. They deviated from the original plan and that is hurtful. I don't see this as small potatoes unlike others do. Sorry. I agree with you on the respect issue of your the bachelor party but aside from that if you both agreed on something beforehand, he has issues here. It's too bad you don't have time to seek counseling. I wish you the best of luck with this. You are not overreacting. You and yours agreed on something and he went behind your back anyways. How wrong. Especially before the biggest commitment of your lives.
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|---|---|
| Hippos | 1 |
| rangersbride | 1 |
