(Closed) his bachelor party—disappointed…

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Yikes! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. That’s a tough thing to have happen to you right before your wedding and I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I would be fuming, not to mention devastated. It seems so sneaky, especially considering it’s something you guys talked about.

I’d recommend sitting down for a serious talk- explain why you feel so hurt, and see what he has to say. He should certainly apologize for being so insensitive. I’m hoping he will.

When all is said and done, however, it IS just the bachelor party, and many a lady have gotten absolutely furious over bachelor parties in the past. Personally I’m not looking forward to my fiance’s one iota because I know a similar thing will happen. I don’t get why guys must do the whole strip club thing, but I think it is some kind of rite of passage that we women just don’t understand. It seems so wrong from our point of view. However, I think that you should try your hardest to take it at face value- a stupid guy moment your man had, most likely due to peer pressure- and remember why you love him. Since you’re so close to your wedding, I’d say cut him some slack so that you can both enjoy your day and each other. That’s what this is all about, after all.

 He better have a REALLY GOOD apology, though!! Keep us posted! ((HUGS)) 

Post # 4
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You just need to let it go. This is small potatoes next to what is going to come up in the course of your marriage so keep that in mind. Make sure he understands what he did was wrong- don’t let him off completely but don’t let this be the ruin of the beginning of your life together.

 

Post # 5
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

I’d be interested to hear your fiance’s side of the story.  I would definitely ask him why he feels that it was ok to do what he did after you clearly communicated in advance what your expectations were.  I am feeling pretty mad on your behalf.  I don’t understand why so many men seem to believe it is their god-given right to go to a strip club for their bachelor party.  I am definitely on the same page as you- why would you want to have a naked woman rub all over you to celebrate our marriage?

I’ve found that in these situations, it’s usually best to have a long discussion with the FI.  (This particular situation would probably lead to a yelling screaming FIGHT)  Try to make him see your side, and I bet he’ll feel awful about it.

Post # 6
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. What is his side of the story? Did he know what was being planned or was he forced into the limo, a victim of peer pressure? Maybe since you don’t normally think strip clubs are a big deal he figured that he could get away with it. It sounds like you ended up having fun, and that one of the worst parts was that you had to babysit him instead of being with your friends…what did he have to say for himself the next day?

Post # 7
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I understand how you could be upset! I would be more upset about the way he went about it. Sneaking out, and leaving me like that would not be okay! I wouldn’t be upset about the strip club as much as I would be the other! I would sit down and have a big talk. Talk it out and find out what made him think that it was okay to go about it that way! And what made him think you would be okay with it. Sometimes people get caught up in the moment of things going on and don’t see the big pictures. But you really need to talk about this with him and tell him how you feel. In the end it could be all okay and your wedding day will still be the best day of your life! Wish you luck!

Post # 8
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

What would bother me isn’t quite so much the fact that they went out to a strip club (even though I’m right there with ya on your opinions of strip clubs) but that he didn’t tell you that they were doing that!  Yikes.

But I do think josalynn has a good point.  In the long run, it’s not going to matter so much, and if I were you I’d just try and sit down and explain how awful that felt for you and how much it hurt your feelings and hopefully he’ll come up with a REALLY good way to make it up to you 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

Agree that you have a right to be upset over it, but agree with Josalyn that this is small potatoes.  It was likely a situation of peer pressure (which is no excuse), but at this point, I think you just need to let it go and rejoice in your marriage.

Have an amazing wedding weekend!

Post # 11
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Your story reminds me of this article that I read over on IndieBride about how one guy’s bachelor party ruined their marriage – mostly because of the lying and dishonesty.  http://www.indiebride.com/essays/cole/index.html

I would start by showing the article to your guy – because even though I am 100% sure that his response will be "what I did wasn’t anywhere near that bad" or he will try to blame his friends, you can explain to him, "yeah, but you lied to me, you disrespected me, you DITCHED me,  and you really hurt my feelings and YOU need to take responsibility for your poor choices and actions."

I agree that the bachelor party itself is probably small potatoes that you need to get over – but his behavior regarding it isn’t.  I would talk to his best man also, and figure out how much of a role your FI played in the party – if he booked the limo, strippers, and everything else himself, you have a pretty big problem.  If his friends grabbed him and lied to him about how they were just going for a role and one of them sent the text messages and they tied him up and poured alcohol down his throat?  He’s probably not as responsible and you have a bigger problem with his friends.  I would have killed my FI if he had been the best man and pulled a stunt like this.  

Bottom line is that you need to talk, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it, tough.  You tell him that you have a right to spend just as much time talking about this with him as you did holding his head over the toilet.  

Post # 12
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I would make a dinner date tonight or tomorrow night without your cousin and explain your feelings and find out why he felt the need to keep things a secret.  If I were in your shoes, I would try my best to avoid a knock down drag out fight in the week before your wedding.  I would be honest with him and explain that this is not OK behavior, etc. 

GOOD LUCK!

Post # 13
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Wow lots of stuff going on here.

First, I would be ticked at the entire BP.  It seems like everyone knew and didn’t tell you.  They all betrayed you.  And it wasn’t even a night that you were planning on being without him anyway, staying home watching Grey’s Anatomy or something.  They changed your plans.  Not to mention wrecking the rest of your night to boot 🙁

Second, I agree strip clubs are wrong.  They have no place around a union of two people and are completely sinful.  Not good.  And it doesn’t even come across like he was admant against going, and was tricked into it by the GMs, or something.  (Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m getting the impression he was in on the plan.)

No one else here can tell you how big of a deal strip clubs should or shouldn’t be.  And no, not all men feel it is a right of passage.  Not all men like or need strip clubs.    And personally I would be more concerned if it was something my husband wanted to do after the wedding.  But the fact that you say you don’t really care about strip clubs, other than the wedding, leaves me kind of confused.  I know you don’t want to have it associated with the wedding.  Are you afraid that your FI being the "reason" for going, he will get extra naughty attention???

If you are serious that strip clubs don’t normally bother you, I don’t think you should hold it against him.  He lied and betrayed you, which isn’t good.  And others did as well.  I have a hard time wrapping my brain around how you really feel about the topic. But  I kind of wonder if it’s just something like other wedding details you just had envisioned a certaiin way, and didn’t get your way.    Do you feel like you want to call of the wedding?   Are you nervous that he’s going to lie to you about other things in the future?  I do agree you should talk to him.  I think that will make you feel better.

Good luck.  I’m upset for you.  He certainly needs to understand and apologize for having lied and betrayed you.  Good luck.

Post # 14
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

So I just read the article that EDB posted a link too and want to vomit!  My guy has not had his bach party yet and of course the article is every girl’s worst nightmare.  The article makes a good point about honesty and respect, but I caution you not to let your imagination run away with you.

Most bachelor parties involving strip clubs DO NOT end with infidelity.  Lap dances, yes.  The games described in the article, likely not.

You just need to find out what happened and explain why what happened hurts you.  I recommend against googling bachelor parties or strip clubs because the results you will come up with will be endless (and none will be good for you to look at in the week before your wedding).

Post # 16
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

You’ve gotten a lot of good advice so I won’t post too much again, but wanted to throw in how important it is that you work this out before the wedding. Find time to get away from your cousin and really TALK about this. One of my friends husband’s got a DUI the night of his bachelor party, which was of course one week before the wedding, and she had to bail him out of jail and was SO FURIOUS with him that all her memories of her wedding and honeymoon are AWFUL. I don’t want the same to happen to you, so if this is so important to you that you find you can’t let it go and it might hamper your wedding and honeymoon, please please please try to get him to talk to you, see your side, and for god’s sakes, apologize!! He owes you that at least!

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