Post # 1
So I have posted on here before about my FI’s bachelor party. Our plan was to drive to Dallas and have one big group party for the guys and the girls. He is friends with my girls and I am friends with his guys, plus most of us are couples so we thought it would be fun. In the past few months of planning, he and I have discussed strip clubs many many times, and I have told him over and over my thoughts on how disrespectful I think it is to go to a stripclub for a bachelor party, be cause its the rudest way you can show celebration over marrying the love of your life. Any other time I DONT CARE AT ALL about strip clubs, but absolutely not on the bachelor party. We we agreed, and i figured I didnt have anything to worry about since it was a group party… boy was I wrong.
While the girls and I were getting ready, the boys said they were going to the hotel bar to wait. They got a limo and LEFT US. The all went out.. to a freaking strip club. My FI text me and said " i know you will have more fun with just you girls, I love you baby". Apparently the guys had planned this and some of my friends knew but I was in the dark about the whole thing. I was so in shock I couldnt believe it. How could my FI who ALWAYS thinks about my feelings do this a week before our wedding =(
I went out with my girls and made the best of it and ended up having fun… but then when we got back to the hotel for the afterparty in on of the suites, my FI was so drunk he was lying on the bathroom floor, puking his guts out. So guess who ended up staying in our room taking care of him while everyone else afterpartied… thats right me. After being stoodup basically.. i had to cut my fun short in order to keep him from drowning in the toilet.
I’m so frustrated… I’m supposed to marry him in 5 days.. and its supposed to be the happiest day of my life where i look into his eyes adoringly and say I do.. and all I cant think is how mad I am. How do I get over it?? =(
Post # 3
Yikes! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. That’s a tough thing to have happen to you right before your wedding and I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. I would be fuming, not to mention devastated. It seems so sneaky, especially considering it’s something you guys talked about.
I’d recommend sitting down for a serious talk- explain why you feel so hurt, and see what he has to say. He should certainly apologize for being so insensitive. I’m hoping he will.
When all is said and done, however, it IS just the bachelor party, and many a lady have gotten absolutely furious over bachelor parties in the past. Personally I’m not looking forward to my fiance’s one iota because I know a similar thing will happen. I don’t get why guys must do the whole strip club thing, but I think it is some kind of rite of passage that we women just don’t understand. It seems so wrong from our point of view. However, I think that you should try your hardest to take it at face value- a stupid guy moment your man had, most likely due to peer pressure- and remember why you love him. Since you’re so close to your wedding, I’d say cut him some slack so that you can both enjoy your day and each other. That’s what this is all about, after all.
He better have a REALLY GOOD apology, though!! Keep us posted! ((HUGS))
Post # 4
You just need to let it go. This is small potatoes next to what is going to come up in the course of your marriage so keep that in mind. Make sure he understands what he did was wrong- don’t let him off completely but don’t let this be the ruin of the beginning of your life together.
Post # 5
I’d be interested to hear your fiance’s side of the story. I would definitely ask him why he feels that it was ok to do what he did after you clearly communicated in advance what your expectations were. I am feeling pretty mad on your behalf. I don’t understand why so many men seem to believe it is their god-given right to go to a strip club for their bachelor party. I am definitely on the same page as you- why would you want to have a naked woman rub all over you to celebrate our marriage?
I’ve found that in these situations, it’s usually best to have a long discussion with the FI. (This particular situation would probably lead to a yelling screaming FIGHT) Try to make him see your side, and I bet he’ll feel awful about it.
Post # 6
Wow. What is his side of the story? Did he know what was being planned or was he forced into the limo, a victim of peer pressure? Maybe since you don’t normally think strip clubs are a big deal he figured that he could get away with it. It sounds like you ended up having fun, and that one of the worst parts was that you had to babysit him instead of being with your friends…what did he have to say for himself the next day?
Post # 7
I understand how you could be upset! I would be more upset about the way he went about it. Sneaking out, and leaving me like that would not be okay! I wouldn’t be upset about the strip club as much as I would be the other! I would sit down and have a big talk. Talk it out and find out what made him think that it was okay to go about it that way! And what made him think you would be okay with it. Sometimes people get caught up in the moment of things going on and don’t see the big pictures. But you really need to talk about this with him and tell him how you feel. In the end it could be all okay and your wedding day will still be the best day of your life! Wish you luck!
Post # 8
What would bother me isn’t quite so much the fact that they went out to a strip club (even though I’m right there with ya on your opinions of strip clubs) but that he didn’t tell you that they were doing that! Yikes.
But I do think josalynn has a good point. In the long run, it’s not going to matter so much, and if I were you I’d just try and sit down and explain how awful that felt for you and how much it hurt your feelings and hopefully he’ll come up with a REALLY good way to make it up to you 🙂
Post # 9
Agree that you have a right to be upset over it, but agree with Josalyn that this is small potatoes. It was likely a situation of peer pressure (which is no excuse), but at this point, I think you just need to let it go and rejoice in your marriage.
Have an amazing wedding weekend!
Post # 10
I’m trying to find a time and place to talk to him, my cousin flew down last friday and is staying with us until the wedding, so I dont wanna talk about it in front of her. From what I have been told, he didnt want a group party, he just said he did to make me happy, but planned to do what he wanted once down there.. since there would be nothing I could do about it (this is obviously my interpretation because his best man told me he knew the plans). He hasnt apologized… well he did once, drunkenly while i was helping him off the bathroom floor, but I dont think that counts… I tried to bring it up in bed last night and he got mad and said I’m always controlling everything…
We have a totally open and honest relationship and from what i thought, communicate well… now suddenly he is saying I am controlling.. and after the weekend behavior i am freaking out.
Post # 11
Your story reminds me of this article that I read over on IndieBride about how one guy’s bachelor party ruined their marriage – mostly because of the lying and dishonesty. http://www.indiebride.com/essays/cole/index.html
I would start by showing the article to your guy – because even though I am 100% sure that his response will be "what I did wasn’t anywhere near that bad" or he will try to blame his friends, you can explain to him, "yeah, but you lied to me, you disrespected me, you DITCHED me, and you really hurt my feelings and YOU need to take responsibility for your poor choices and actions."
I agree that the bachelor party itself is probably small potatoes that you need to get over – but his behavior regarding it isn’t. I would talk to his best man also, and figure out how much of a role your FI played in the party – if he booked the limo, strippers, and everything else himself, you have a pretty big problem. If his friends grabbed him and lied to him about how they were just going for a role and one of them sent the text messages and they tied him up and poured alcohol down his throat? He’s probably not as responsible and you have a bigger problem with his friends. I would have killed my FI if he had been the best man and pulled a stunt like this.
Bottom line is that you need to talk, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it, tough. You tell him that you have a right to spend just as much time talking about this with him as you did holding his head over the toilet.
Post # 12
I would make a dinner date tonight or tomorrow night without your cousin and explain your feelings and find out why he felt the need to keep things a secret. If I were in your shoes, I would try my best to avoid a knock down drag out fight in the week before your wedding. I would be honest with him and explain that this is not OK behavior, etc.
Post # 13
Wow lots of stuff going on here.
First, I would be ticked at the entire BP. It seems like everyone knew and didn’t tell you. They all betrayed you. And it wasn’t even a night that you were planning on being without him anyway, staying home watching Grey’s Anatomy or something. They changed your plans. Not to mention wrecking the rest of your night to boot 🙁
Second, I agree strip clubs are wrong. They have no place around a union of two people and are completely sinful. Not good. And it doesn’t even come across like he was admant against going, and was tricked into it by the GMs, or something. (Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m getting the impression he was in on the plan.)
No one else here can tell you how big of a deal strip clubs should or shouldn’t be. And no, not all men feel it is a right of passage. Not all men like or need strip clubs. And personally I would be more concerned if it was something my husband wanted to do after the wedding. But the fact that you say you don’t really care about strip clubs, other than the wedding, leaves me kind of confused. I know you don’t want to have it associated with the wedding. Are you afraid that your FI being the "reason" for going, he will get extra naughty attention???
If you are serious that strip clubs don’t normally bother you, I don’t think you should hold it against him. He lied and betrayed you, which isn’t good. And others did as well. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around how you really feel about the topic. But I kind of wonder if it’s just something like other wedding details you just had envisioned a certaiin way, and didn’t get your way. Do you feel like you want to call of the wedding? Are you nervous that he’s going to lie to you about other things in the future? I do agree you should talk to him. I think that will make you feel better.
Good luck. I’m upset for you. He certainly needs to understand and apologize for having lied and betrayed you. Good luck.
Post # 14
So I just read the article that EDB posted a link too and want to vomit! My guy has not had his bach party yet and of course the article is every girl’s worst nightmare. The article makes a good point about honesty and respect, but I caution you not to let your imagination run away with you.
Most bachelor parties involving strip clubs DO NOT end with infidelity. Lap dances, yes. The games described in the article, likely not.
You just need to find out what happened and explain why what happened hurts you. I recommend against googling bachelor parties or strip clubs because the results you will come up with will be endless (and none will be good for you to look at in the week before your wedding).
Post # 15
I dont want to call off the wedding, and I do believe that he didn’t INTENTIONALLY do it to hurt me.. I think he agreed with me all along about no stripclubs in order to keep me from fighting about it.. then figured once it was actually happening there was nothing I can do about it. I think strip clubs are gross, but I’ve never wanted to be the girl that seems insecure about it, so I have always told him I didnt mind him going… that being said, he only has gone 1 time in the 3 years we have been together. The reason I see it differently for a bachelor party, is because I am personally AGAINST bachelor parties in general…. I think its stupid to go out and act like its the last night of freedom… and going to a strip club a week before the wedding and having naked girls grind on you is the worst way to say "cant wait to marry you and spend my life with you"…. I know it may not make sense but thats just how I feel. What bothers me is that for 3 years, everytime we have talked about a bachelor party and i have voiced my opinion, he has agreed with me! I have always said I wanted a big group celebration party.. and he has honestly always agreed with me.. until the day of the stupid party!
Obviously its something I have to get over, I agree with you guys on that… but how do I do that? I honestly cant even stand to look at him right now.. how do I get it off my mind and get those butterfly feelings back that I have had everyday of planning this wedding? He isn’t trying to make it better.. he isnt apologizing.. he knows I am upset and he is just blowing me off…
btw, sorry to sound whiney and immature over this, I just am honestly in complete shock and in total FREAKOUT mode because this isn’t his personality at all.. he has always treated me so perfectly and always puts my feelings first.. why is he suddenly doing this a week before the wedding…?
Post # 16
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice so I won’t post too much again, but wanted to throw in how important it is that you work this out before the wedding. Find time to get away from your cousin and really TALK about this. One of my friends husband’s got a DUI the night of his bachelor party, which was of course one week before the wedding, and she had to bail him out of jail and was SO FURIOUS with him that all her memories of her wedding and honeymoon are AWFUL. I don’t want the same to happen to you, so if this is so important to you that you find you can’t let it go and it might hamper your wedding and honeymoon, please please please try to get him to talk to you, see your side, and for god’s sakes, apologize!! He owes you that at least!