Post # 1
This is probably petty but. . .
My boyfriend’s sister has asked his ex-girlfriend to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and not me.
We’ve been dating for close to 3 years and live together. His entire family (sister included) have been nothing but nice to me. Although we live in different cities, we visit each other’s homes and spend holidays together. They always stress that I’m a part of the family. . . So this bridesmaid issue has me really confused.
My boyfriend only dated the ex for a few months and that was over 5 years ago, although they raise a child together. His family and ex maintain a good relationship recently which I see as a positive thing, especially because pf his child. The ex lives nearby and his child stays with us 4 nights per week so I see the ex on a regular basis. I know that she doesn’t like me but our conversations are cordial and I try to be polite. We even have dinner together from time to time. I’m rambling but the big point here is that she is NOT close with his sister.
I understand that a bride-to-be is welcome to choose whomever she likes as her bridesmaids and I respect her decision. My main concern is if I am missing something about her choosing her and not me. I really feel left out. I haven’t been asked to help out with the wedding in any way. They always stress that I am a part of the family but it really doesn’t feel like it. I am so hurt. I really don’t want to make a big deal about it, especially not to his sister. Should I take this as a message that she doesn’t want me at the wedding?
Post # 3
I wouldn’t take it as a message that she doesn’t want you at the wedding. But I do see why you would be upset. It’s strange that the bride would ask someone she isn’t close to, to be in the wedding.
What does your boyfriend think about this? Is it possible the bride and the ex are actually good friends? I’d probably ask your boyfriend to talk to his sister, and figure out what’s going on.
Post # 4
I really don’t think it is a message that she doesn’t want you at the wedding..especially if you all have been dating 3 years. I’m sure there’s a reason she chose her that may not be personal towards you
Post # 5
Have your FI talk to his sister.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t take it personally as it may have nothing to do with you. Is your boyfriend’s child in her wedding party as a flower girl / ring bearer? If so, his sister might have chosen the ex to make the child feel more comfortable. Given that you are not yet engaged she may have thought that it was not appropriate to ask you. It might not be a situation where she is chosing this woman over you directly. I can see where the situation would cause you to be hurt but I would just make sure that she knows you are willing to help in any way you can. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable with the situation he should speak with his sister.
Post # 7
I disagree with PPs that say that you should have your SO ask his sister. She gets to ask who ever she wants without pressure from family. I wouldn’t look at it as her asking his ex instead of you. She just asked who she needed to ask. My SO and I have been together for 3 years, too and I certainly wouldn’t expect his sister (who is engaged, too) to have me in her bridal party. But I know she loves me and I will be honored to be a guest at her wedding! Dont doubt your relationship just because she asked someone else to be in the wedding that you don’t think she should have asked.
Post # 8
I just wanted to add – the ex is the mother of the bride’s nephew/niece. Could they have a closer relationship than you think? Don’t take it personally, I’m sure your relationship with the bride is fine.
Post # 9
Are you sure they’re not close? Perhaps they have maintained a friendship without you or your boyfriend knowing about it.
Post # 10
Personally, I wouldn’t invite anyone who wasn’t related by marriage or engagement to be in my wedding… no matter how many years I’ve known them or how close they are to getting engaged. It’s not a slight on the girl, it’s more of that things do happen, and I’d rather have my wedding party solidified as girls who are active and permanent parts of my life (hence the small number).
Is this girl friends with the ex at all?
Post # 11
I think this has something to do with the fact that there is a child involved that the family is still in close relation with. Sometimes adding children to the mix complicates relationships. I wouldn’t take it personally. Sometimes people have a different relationship than we expect, you know?
Post # 12
I wouldnt make it a big deal but I do understand why you would feel sad/bad about it. I wouldnt suggest your BF to talk to the sister either so no problems start. She probably just asked her to be a bridesmaid because of the child being involved… it practiccally makes them family if you think about it-
Are you guys pretty close though?
Post # 13
I’ve asked my brother’s ex to be in my wedding party because we are still really close (and they are still on good terms so no one minds). Is it possible they are actually closer than you think? Maybe they email/IM/text a lot and keep in close touch?
I wouldn’t have anyone mention this to her at all, by the way, I would just attend and try to have a good time. Be happy that you’re saving money by not being a BM!
Post # 14
There is still the unanswered question of the is the child in the wedding.
Interesting situation here.
You’re in a real sticky situation. Cause unfortunately you’re a girlfriend living like a wife. Which impacts your state of mind on this issue. Cause you feel like family, and they mostly treat you like family. You know, until it really matters…like a weddings.
Either way, given how YOU feel about being Part of the family, then wouldn’t you have the right to ask these questions directly to your BF’s sister? It may be just me, but I’m direct in that fashion. If I have a problem with someone, then it’s my responsibility to resolve MY problem with THAT person. Not pawn it off on aother person.
I had a converstaion with my brother’s gf (who I did ask to be a bm) about a very similar situation.
Post # 15
I also would not take this personally. It’s really hard to know what a relationship between two people is like, and you’re obviously just not close enough to understand what’s going on.
Personally, I would let it go. But if you can’t-find a way for your fiance to to casually ask what is going on.
Post # 16
@edub: To clarify, I’m not suggesting that the family pressure the sister into changing. My suggestion that FI talk to the sister is to learn why the ex was chosen. I also think that if *FI* is uncomfortable with this situation, it is reasonable for him to express this feeling to his sister (after which she may do as she likes with this information).
While I think you should chose whom you like for your attendants, if it will make a close relative feel uncomfortable to have that person there, it is something a polite person would consider before making that decision. For example, FI would not ask his father to be his best man, knowing that his father abused his mom. (Note: I am not suggesting this is equivalent situation – I am giving an example from my personal situation to illustrate my point.)