- 6 days ago
Long story short – my SO (let’s call him Bob) of 4 years and I became friends when he was with someone else (9 years, last 2 long distance, let’s call her Lisa). When he realised that he had feelings for me, he broke up with Lisa, we started dating, after 2 years moved in together, started going on holiday with each other’s family and I am hoping for an engagement at some point next year.
When Bob and I were friends, I met Lisa a couple of times when she came here for holidays. The very last time we met all together (right before he broke up with her) she could sense that something was “off”, and at that point he broke up with her and the rest is history. In the last 4 years, every time Bob went back home (normally once a year), they met for coffee, lunch or whatever, which is fine with me.
This time though I am going with him to his hometown to stay with his family for a week, and Bob and I decided that it is about time to make things “normal”, and our therapist (we are going to couple counseling to strenghten our communication skills), proposed the perfect solution: we meet her, we say hi and “ackowledge” each other’s presence, and then I go to do some shopping on my own (yay) and I leave them to have coffe together and to update each other on what’s going on in their lives. The therapist suggested this so that we both understand we are in Bob’s life on different levels, and we need somehow to coexist as I am Bob’s partner and she is Bob’s friend.
So Bob asked Lisa if she’s keen, and even invited her boyfriend (they’ve been together for about 2 years and live together). At the beginning she said sure, let’s do it. Today though, she sent Bob a message saying she doesn’t want to meet up – she’s happy to see him, but not me. Bob told me he wants to tell her that since I am in his town the whole time he’s there, then they won’t meet, and they’ll catch up next time (most likely in a year from now), but also said he needs her to understand that if she wants to be his friend then she has to accept me as Bob’s partner.
Bob asked me advice on what to reply to her, and how.
So, Bees, what should I do? Should I tell him OK, don’t see her, tell her that she will have to accept me at some point, and then we’ll see what happens next time? Should I be more understanding, and just tell him to go have coffee with her while I go shopping somewhere else and I dont even show up to say hi?
I know many of you will say she has all the rights to do so and it’s probably true, but I am not looking for advice regarding the beginning of my RS with Bob, I just want to do the right thing NOW. Thanks a lot!
P.S. Not that it matters, but I am 29, Lisa is 33, Bob is 37.