His ex doesn't want to see me – what do I do?

posted 6 days ago in Relationships
Post # 2
2852 posts
Sugar bee

jennifergentle :  How much does Bob even care about maintaining this relationship at this point? Some just run their course and perhaps that is the case here if he’s willing to just put off meeting until next year. 

Post # 3
10388 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t blame her…

If you are comfortable with their friendship then go shopping while they meet or they can meet up next time. 


Post # 4
1439 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

jennifergentle :  I agree with PP and your boyfriend is very “stand-up” for taking your side and telling her that unless she accepts you that he won’t be able to maintain this friendship. The ball is in her court if she wants to stay friends and if not then she can go live her life and you guys can move on with yours.

Post # 5
2728 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess I don’t really understand why she has to meet you for her to accept and acknowledge that you are in his life, and his partner….

Post # 6
7740 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

jennifergentle :  Bob should tell Lisa exactly what he’s thinking: that if she can’t accept you – meaning normal interactions with you – then he and Lisa can no longer be friends. I’m sure all of Bob’s other friends are happy to interact with you. Why should Lisa be an exception?

Friendships with exes are rarely a good idea. If the therapist hasn’t at least mentioned that, I’d question their competence.

Post # 7
968 posts
Busy bee

I understand why she doesn’t want to be your friend, I wouldn’t want to look at the other woman either– but I also wouldn’t be friends with an ex unless I still harbored some feelings for him. 9 years is a long time, and you didn’t mention if she’s in a new relationship… Does your man think this woman has really moved on? Maybe he should cut the cord.

Post # 9
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

jennifergentle :  i don’t blame her for not wanting to meet you (after all, you’re the “other woman” as far as she’s concerned), but I also think Bob is right in his response – if she’s not willing to even see you and say hi, then that’s a deal breaker for their friendship. it seems strange to me that she’s not willing to even say hi to you if she’s truly moved on – it feels like a sign that she’s still carrying a torch for Bob, despite her current relationship. I would take Bob up on his suggestion – he can tell her that he understands if you two don’t want to meet, but then that means they they won’t meet up at all.

Post # 10
124 posts
Blushing bee

I honestly wouldn’t expect my fiance’s ex to want to meet up with me if I was the other woman in their relationship. He might as well just cut her off now, she probably won’t ever want to be friends with you.

Post # 11
11 posts

Honestly, I do not see how his friendship with her continues.  He left her for you.  No matter how great things are going for her, that will always hurt.  I don’t see a world where you and she can be friends. She (understandably) harbors a great deal of resentment towards you.  If you and she cannot be civil, then your boyfriend and his ex cannot be friends. Now might be a good moment where he fades out of his ex’s life.

People can be friends with their exs.  However, under the circumstances you describe, I don’t really think friendship with his ex is feisable.  Ask him not to go.  Neither of you should see her.  

Post # 12
2247 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yeah, she’s under no obligation to meet with you.

IMO, under those circumstances, your SO is absolutely right to let her know that he’s going to miss this meeting and they can catch up another time in the future (and all the extra about clarifying the situation with her).

I would not tell him to do anything else and would not go shopping and let them have their meeting alone. 

Post # 14
5449 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

minji :  

I sure don’t get it.  Either I’m missing something or the therapist is off.

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