His ex doesn't want to see me – what do I do?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

How can she be happy to remain friends with him and still have ‘every right’ to decide not to see you? If she’s over it enough to forgive him for breaking up with her for you, then she should be able to see you for a few mins for the same reasons. So this ‘other woman’ thing is a moot point. 

Your partner is spot on in his response but honestly it’ll be easier for everyone if he lets the friendship go. I would never be friends with someone who refused to spend a few minutes with my boyfriend. And I would expect the same from him.

 

Post # 47
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

jennifergentle :  What I hope to gain from it is some sort of normality: we were together, we both have partners, we both moved on, we’re all adults, we can be in each other’s lives. I have an ex who left me for one of my bestfriends at the time. I wouldnt have a single problem meeting them together now. 

I think it’s ironic that you keep stating that you want to gain normality. I guess I don’t think it’s all that normal for exes of partners to have any kind of relationship with the new partner, especially when the new partner was possibly part of the reason for the break up. I’m not saying that you can never be friends with an ex, but I think your situation is a bit different than the normal break up. Your boyfriend had feelings for you while they were together and she suspected that just before the break up. It’s not like he met you some time after their relationship ended.

I also think it’s weird that your therapist is suggesting this staged meeting. Clearly, Lisa doesn’t want to see or have any kind of relationship with you. Frankly, I don’t blame her. Why should she? The only relevance you have to her life is that you are dating her ex boyfriend of nine years. While time has passed, nine years is a long time and I’m sure she has some negative feelings toward you, as demonstrated by her lack of wanting to meet with you.

You suggested that you meet, she didn’t want to, so it should end there. Your boyfriend (in my opinion) should say to Lisa exactly what he said to you. They can no longer meet if she refuses to be around you. It doesn’t sound like they maintain this frienship more than once a year, so I don’t see what the big deal is anyway. Even if you do move closer to town she lives in, it’s not like you’re going to run into her all of the time. And if you do, I would think that given your ages, you would both handle the situation like adults.

I think you need to accept that she doesn’t want to be around you, ever. 

 

Post # 48
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I haven’t read all the replies to your post, so I’m not sure what’s been said. For one, I feel bad for her boyfriend because it sounds like she still has some feelings toward your SO. She clearly hasn’t moved on if she can’t forgive you (but can forgive SO?) Which brings me to my next point. Saying “you’re the other woman, of course she doesn’t want to meet you” doesn’t make sense to me. Bob chose to be with you just as much as you did with him. If that was the problem, I don’t see why’d she continue to be your SOs friend all this time. It’s like when a woman gets mad at the other woman only for cheating with her husband, even though it takes two to tango. It’s really childish. (Not saying you cheated, just an example!) I’m not really sure what the point of their “friendship” really is, especially if they don’t see each other/talk often. Doesn’t sound worth it to me.

Post # 49
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

chelseacg :  Totally agree with everything you’ve said! I don’t understand why she seems fine with Bob, but not the OP. After all, it was Bob that was in the relationship with her and ended it!

Post # 50
Member
7795 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My DH and I are a package deal. If you can’t even be bothered to say hi and be civil for 5 minutes, you’re not hanging out with the other person. Sorry not sorry.

I would tell him to let this “friendship” go.

9 years is a long time to just be like “oh hi there new girlfriend he left me for! Nice weather isn’t it?” I mean come on.

Post # 51
Member
2939 posts
Sugar bee

She doesn’t need to meet you. In your shoes, I would feel bad for how your relationship started and leave her alone to her friendship. We aren’t talking about them hanging out alone on a regular basis, and I can totally see why it’s more hurtful to meet the girl. Bob knew the relationship was not working out, but you chose to pursue him. It just feels bad to be in that situation and I would want nothing to do with you either, sorry. 

Post # 52
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

jennifergentle :  This poor frickin’ woman. Seriously, you and your SO need to chill and lay off her. This has nothing to do with “not accepting you” or “pretending you don’t exist.” Why you’re trying to force a relationship with you on this woman is beyond me. Whether you like it or not, you were absolutely the other woman, so I really don’t blame “Lisa” for not wanting to see you. The fact that she is okay bringing her boyfriend along has nothing to do with you. That guy didn’t bust up her nine year relationship, you did. And listen, your SO seemed to play it right. Once he realized he had feelings for you, he ended it with Lisa. And the two of them are still able to keep it friendly and civil. I applaud that.

But you, or your therapist, now trying to throw your weight around and say that she either needs to “accept you” or can’t be friends with your SO is fucking insane. If the two of them are able to have this friendship, leave it alone. She doesn’t want to see you and with very, very good reasonings behind it. She interacts with your SO less than a handful of times a year and for some reason, you’re both hell bent on making sure she “acknowledges” your relationship. Who cares? Clearly she’s of the understanding that you are together–seeing as you’re the person that came between her and her SO in the first place. 

My advice: I would just let this realtionship fizzle out, especially if you’re now trying to force interactions on this woman. If your SO is comfortable texting her and saying either you come too or no one comes, then just leave it at that. At the end of the day, she just doesn’t want to see you, so just leave it alone. Frankly, in my opinion, she doesn’t have to justify it to anyone. You can happy and content in your current relationship and still not want to see or hang out with the woman your ex left you for. 

Post # 53
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

When I was much younger I was in a similar situation (I was Lisa) and this is what I end up learning from it:

– She (you) will be, for the longest time, one of the reasons he left me. This, becauses this was what he told me, with both words and actions. I learned to “forgive” her, but took a long time to shake off the feeling.

– She (you) wanted to be friends with me. Dunno why. I didn’t. At some point a friend of both said she felt strangely guilty over what happened and was also uncomfortable with my relationship with her BF. I didn’t find this as a reason to meet her.

– I didn’t want to remain friends with my ex, but he insisted. I know everyone thought I was the one holding to him, but I moved on and did my best to forget gim. Yet, he would constantly ask me to meet him when in town and guilt trip me one way or another (he knew all my emotional weaknesses). 

– He also tried to force me to get along with her, which I refused because I found it unnecessary and actually wondered if this would be the opportunity to get rid of him. I was wrong. They had a fight and, again, he called me saying that he didn’t want to lose my friendship.

– Eventually I moved and free myself from all of it. A decade later I met him and he apologized for the way he acted, confessing most of his actions were out of guilt and not any emotional care. He just felt that, until I truly “forgive” him (which to him means going back to “normal” before dating), he couldn’t be 100% happy.

My advice? It’s time for your partner to say goodbye to his relationship with her ex. He is holding on to her too much, and of course it is bothering you. Hopefully, Lisa will deny seeing him and he will end the friendship and you’ll both be happy.

Post # 54
Member
2834 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It all just comes across like either 

a) you’re insecure about their friendship, or 

b) you feel guilty

Neither of these reasons are her problem. It is not her job to make you (or your SO) feel better, or reassured in your relationship. If they were hanging out a lot, had a very close relationship….maybe. I think it’s also really important to remember that unless you’re leaving stuff out, she has done nothing to imply that she doesn’t acknowledge that you are in his life, or are his partner. But they see each other every once in a while for maybe an hour? It isn’t her job to make YOU feel better, or to follow what YOUR counsellor suggests. And frankly, the fact that you think she owes you this just reeks of neither of you being over it, not her.

Not wanting to meet you is not saying you don’t exist. It’s not wanting to pretend to be friends with someone she doesn’t like, for good reason. 

Post # 55
Member
5174 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

I don’t understand why you want to meet her. I also don’t understand why she wants to be friends with your SO, but whatever.

I also think its kind of funny you don’t want to feel like “the other woman” but you are the other woman. Or were, anyway.

Post # 56
Member
8329 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

jennifergentle :  

“I guess I really appreciate his position, maybe after this message she’ll change her mind and we’ll cross paths and she won’t be resentful? We’ll see.”

Really? This is still about a nine year relationship that ended because her SO became attracted to another woman. If she feels this way now, it’s not likely to change based on a threat. 

If Lisa is given an ultimatum by your SO, that you are a package deal, maybe she’ll end the friendship, but maybe she’ll just decide to hide the resentment a little better. She won’t necessarily  be able to “change her mind” just like that. 

Everyone keeps saying that Lisa was a part of his life for nine years so it is understandable that both of them should stay connected.  I’d feel exactly the opposite.  This was not some casual person to him and vice versa. If she can’t deal with you, it only proves that she’s not been able to let go at all. And why should she? 

As things are now, however, the friendship is untenable. It’s a poor imitation of what a normal, platonic, supportive friendship is supposed to be. What is anyone getting out of it? For SO, it might be to relieve his guilt. For Lisa, who knows? It’s understandable that she wants nothing to do with you, but then she  has no right to expect a relationship with Bob. 

The status quo does no one any favors, not Lisa, not Bob, and least of all you. 

I think the therapist is either doing more harm than good or she doesn’t have all the facts. 

 

Post # 57
Member
1644 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

jennifergentle :  I don’t blame her. Why can’t you just let her be and allow them to get their annual coffee together?

Post # 58
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

mrsbrizz2017 :  Thank you! lol I thought I was the only one reading this whole thing and wondering “none of this is normal”. i just feel like no one from either party owes anyone anything and this meet up after all these years is just odd. Especially if there was no married or children involved. i kept waiting to read about their children together cause then it’d make a little more sense. i must admit, I’m quite mindblown that this is a topic of conversation for you guys!

Post # 59
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s weird that everyone seems to think it’s OK for L to still be harboring resentment toward you, but to have forgiven your SO for the emotional betrayel straight away.

This is the classic “man cheats on wife” scenario – wife forgives husband, but takes a firm hatred of the other woman to her grave. 

I really do not understand that mindset, but it seems many posters here do. You and your SO both betrayed her – him MORE SO, as HE was the one in the relationship! So if she’s able to move on and forgive him, she should likewise be able to move on and forgive you. 

The fact that she hasn’t would make me think that she still has feelings for your SO. 

In your shoes, yeah, I’d agree with the decision your SO has made.

If she hasn’t completely gotten over the whole ordeal to the point of being able to interract with you, then she’s not over it completely enough that she should be interracting with him. 

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