Weddingbee boards

I just need to vent.  My fiance had a relationship with a married women before he met me, and she believed they were "true love"...etc.  She was planning on leaving her husband for him, but ultimately stayed with her hubby because of their 3 kids.  Well...those kids are growing up and I'm worried she's gonna come back around when the kids are all in college.

Seriously, is it illegal to send an anonymous threatening letter to her house, telling her that he is mine now and to LEAVE HIM ALONE?  She's already wrecked one marriage (her own)...and I don't want her messing with mine.  I won't threaten anything, just say, "don't come near him, ever.  the end"  No "or else..."

He said the relationship was a mistake.  He's not a serial homewrecker

Trust and communication, not threats should be the foundation of a relationship; in my very humble opinion :)

Good luck with everything!

He met her at work...they were friends that evolved into more.  He didnt set out looking for it...does anyone?  I don't think so.  Anyways, they both work in different places now.

I would not contact her - you are asking for trouble.  If she contacts either of you, then I'd save the info in case you need to get any kind of restraining order.

You don't indicate how much longer the kids have before being off to college, but no offense, unless she's Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction", I'm sure she'll focus her energy on another guy.  And as long as your guy can put the kabosh on anything should she come around calling, I'd let it go.

Otherwise, I'd totally reconsider marrying your FI.  You don't go into something like marriage worrying about stuff like this - that's a recipe for disaster.  GL.

It just makes me feel sick.  I try not to think about her.  But still, it makes me angry when I do think about it.  Angry and sad.  He was young at the time, he made a mistake with an older woman.  Mistakes happen, I get that.  But she makes me mad.  She got to have this little affair and then just get on with her life, scot-free.  It reminds me of the woman in "Up in the Air".  Like, she just did whatever she wanted, pretended to be someone else at work, and f-ed up other people's lives.

Her husband found out about it already.  And she did break it off, because he threatened to divorce her and take the kids.

wow.  you bees are judgmental.  so much for support for expressing my emotions.  

If any of you are marrying a perfect man with a flawless history, please let me know because I would love to meet him.  

Does anyone have a divorced fiance?  If yes, does he respect the sanctity of marriage?  Or is he going to call it quits when the going gets rough?

My fiance was young and foolish and made a mistake.  I'm sure we've all made mistakes and that doesn't discredit us from being "marryable people".

Just putting this in perspective a little bit: I think most of us have FI's who were once involved with others, probably not married others, but none the less, not all of us are marrying our first loves.  Most of us have come to terms with the fact that our FI's have exes and they could (but probably won't) come back into their lives.  We just trust that our FI's would tell them to bugger off if that happened.

I'm curious as to why you fixated on this one woman in particular, and not any other ex-girlfriends?  Because she was married?

Nonetheless, I completely agree with the other responses - this is a pretty big red flag in your relationship.  Counseling would be a good idea.

Neither your fiance  nor the married woman was any more wrong than the other.  They were equally wrong . . . so placing more blame on one party than the other is *so* double standard.  And I hardly think her little affair was *scott free* . . .

Please tell me that you did not seriously consider contacting her . . . You need to get a grip and deal with whatever issues are causing you such insecurity(ies) (and stop projecting whatever insecurities you are feeling on this woman) before you pour salt in an old wound and do irreparable damage.

*Oy*

The main issue that I see isn't so much that he got involved with a married woman (that is an issue, but if you've talked it through and dealt with it, then like you said, everyone makes mistakes, and none of us know the whole situation ...)  The issue to me is that when you say she's "your problem now" and that _you_ need to reach out and contact her to say "stay away, he's mine now" it doesn't sound like you're confident that your FI would tell her to bugger off, as lilybay said, if she came sniffing around.  There's always the risk of an ex trying to get back into the picture, or a new woman trying to flirt with him, and you can't write letters to all of them, or be at his side the whole time telling women to back off.  You deserve to be in a relationship where you don't worry about other women because no matter who threw herself at your FI, you know he'd shut her down and come laugh with you about the fact that some other chick thought she had a chance.  Do you feel that with your FI?   If you do, then put this other woman out of your head, and don't do anything.  If you don't, then you need to figure out why, and that's something you and he should talk about.

beachbrideamy, i'm sorry this past relationship is bothering you. it would bother me too, especially if their break-up was less than amicable.

maybe you *should* write the letter, but only for yourself? it might help to get all those feelings out on paper.

I understand your need to vent . . . Sometimes we get tunnel vision when we are looking at things in our personal lives.  The reactions to your post should clearly demonstrate, at least to an objective group of people with no vested interest in the outcome (or with any additional details),  that you have lost perspective on this issue (tunnel vision) and really need to take a step back and reassess same.

As an aside, why would it matter if anyone's fiance was divorced?  I was previously married for 8 years (I married young, which is a story for another time) and left for reasons completely UNrelated to infidelity.  Cheating is not the only reason couples divorce. 

He says he loves only me and wants to be with me.  It's just hard for me to get perspective because I only had one serious (2 year) relationship before my fiance...all my other bfs were kinda just guys I dated for 6 months or so and didnt really "fall in love" with.  And even though I had a 2 year relationship where I was in love, I NEVER felt that the other guy was my "soul mate", "True love"...etc.

The fact that this married woman thought your FI was her 'true love' many years ago, does not mean she still feels that way. Unless she has actually tried to contact your FI, I don't see what you worry so much about.

This, in my opinion, is a sign of more deep-rooted insecurities. I went through a period where I was worried that my BF could never love me as much as his ex-FI and that I could not "live up to her" and that he deep down inside wished that he was still with her. Needless to say, this caused me a great deal of unhappiness with myself. I therefore did a lot of soul-searching and realised that my insecurities regarding his ex were simply a manifestation of my fear of not being good enough, something which has roots in my childhood and really nothing to do with her at all. After I realised that, I was finally able to really believe all the wonderful things my BF tells me (like I am the love of his life and the woman he wants to share his life with etc.) I am now so much happier and confident in my relationship, and I KNOW that my BF would never ever go back to his ex.

It is likely that you too have similar feelings of not being good enough, and your FI's ex is an outlet for those feelings. I recommend that you try to sort out these issues, through councelling if necessary, because in the long term they will only make you unhappy.