Post # 1
I’m a Bee using an alias for this post just to get things off my chest.
My Fiance does not talk much about his Ex and I never really ask as I normally think that the past is the past, and that everyone has one.
But the little bits of information that are thrown around really get to me. I’m not a jealous or insecure person but somethings really get to me.
One time we were getting frisky in his car and he asked me if I’d ever done “stuff” before in a car and I told him no, he then tells me that he used to do it all the time with his Ex and that his Ex used to give him oral when they went on roadtrips, needless to say that ruined the moment. Since then I began to question my sexual ability as I am not experienced sexually at all , I’m younger than him and his Ex was older and (in my head) probably more skilled.
I’m also fairly low maintenance and it doesn’t take long for me to get ready to go out. I dress well but I don’t like/need to wear a lot of make-up, once he made the comment “Oh wow Ex used to really take a long time to get ready, she really got glammed up”. So I then begin to feel like I’m not making enough effort or I’m too plain for him.
I also found a pic of her on his computer and while I am much more attractive than her but I feel terrible he still has pics of her saved on his computer. I still have pics of my ex but they on a USB drive somewhere and these are photos where he appears in group shots with my friends. My Fiance has lots of solo, head and full body shots of his ex.
All this I never told him how it made me feel, I suppose he can tell from my reaction but I just never wanted to come across as jealous.
But one thing made me stop cold. While showing his bestfriend’s girlfriend my e-ring she told me “Make sure you get a double or take your ring off before you go to the beach, when he gave Ex her ring she went into the sea the next day and lost it when a wave knocked her over…poor thing was hysterical”. WTF he was engaged before and he never told me!! I had to find out like this!! I giggled where appropriate but deep down inside I feel terrible.
I feel awful that I’m letting this get to me so much. What would you do?
Post # 3
@Dr_Clic: You need to have a full-on, honest conversation with him about this. Explain that when he brings her up, you feel this way. He probably has no clue.
With the engagement, yeah, you need to confront him!
I’m so sorry you feel this way. I think you’re completely justified in being upset.
Post # 4
I would have a conversation with him about it. My fiance once made a comment, when I was frustrated at not being able to find a pair of jeans that fit, that his ex-girlfriend had had trouble, too, because she was so tall and thin. So I said, “When you say that, it hurts my feelings because I am not tall and thin. It is not nice to bring her up in comparison to me.” Seriously. He was like, “that’s not what I meant!!!”
You need to tell him that his casual comments are upsetting you, but you need to say it rationally and without getting upset. Otherwise he might not understand.
Also he should have told you about the previous engagement.
Post # 5
I think you need to talk to him about how this makes you feel. It doesn’t need to come off as jealous, but it is definitely inappropriate that he compares things about you. I’m not the jealous kind at all, but I’d be pretty pissed/upset if my Fiance was telling me things like this.
I also think it’s a pretty big deal that he forgot to mention he was previously engaged. I understand not really talking about the past, but that’s a rather important piece of information that was omitted. I can’t imagine forgetting to tell my Fiance I’ve been married before.
He needs to understand it’s not ok to talk about his ex giving him blow jobs in his car, and it’s not ok to bring her up all the time. Talk to him about it. Maybe he really doesn’t get what he’s doing?
Post # 6
I think you should sit down and have a serious, heart-to-heart talk with him. I think he needs to know how you feel when he makes comments/comparisons to his ex (and then I think he needs to stop) and I think it’s a pretty big lie of omission to not let his fiance know that he was engaged before. That’s a pretty big piece of information to decide not to tell your fiance.
Post # 7
My friend and her husband have a saying, “As far as I am concerned, I am the only person you have ever been with. I know you have a past, but in my head, let me think this.” Perhaps you could suggest something like this to him? You could tell him that you would rather not know how long it took her to get ready or how she lost her ring or anything else for that matter. I would ask him about the engagement, talk about it, and from that point let it be a clean slate to start over and never talk about his ex again.
I don’t know one single name of my husband’s ex’s and I never want to. I know that if I ever hear about an ex’s name, that I will have a disliking to that name, so I would rather not know. I don’t consider myself a really jealous person, but an ex talk would drive me nuts.
What newly engaged person wants to hear about her man’s ex-fiance and how she lost her ring??? Ick. That comment should have been kept to herself. I would be upset also of finding out that he was engaged and never told you, and I feel for you —-that must have been so uncomfortable! The blow job comments are so inappropriate.
Post # 8
I feel so stupid for not saying something before. He once told me that his Ex was really insanely jealous and I suppose I am afraid to come across like that. His friends told me that it was a really rollercoaster relationship so I guess he didn’t mention the engagement because it brings back bad memories but I feel like he doesn’t respect me enough to have told me he was engaged before. I wouldn’t have interrogated him about it.
I feel so humiliated, I feel like all his friends and family were in on not telling me. When his friend’s Girlfriend made that comment, everyone in the room went silent.
Post # 9
You feel this way because he wasn’t open with you regarding his relationship with his ex. Its not normal that he didn’t’t tell you they were engaged. I would have a frank discussion about your feelings about his comments and then ask why he kept that from you. That’s not being jealous it’s communication. You can’t hide your feelings for the rest of your life.
Post # 10
i agree with all – you need to talk to him about it, especially since it is making you feel uncomfortable. and i also think that he should have told you that he was engaged before. this should all have been discussed before you guys got engaged.
Post # 11
It wouldn’t bother me. If he is coming home to me every night, he’s obviously made his choice. It doesn’t sound like things worked out between the two of them, and all you’re going to do by being jealous is hurt your relationship.
Post # 12
I won’t post for too long, everyone has given such great advice. I think you need to have a talk with your Fiance and set some rules about photos… delete everything and move on.You not knowing about the previous engagement sucks, and so does the finding out from the friend. She shouldn’t of brought that up. Pure bad taste.
Sexually speaking… you have your whole life to get awesome. Definitely don’t compare yourself there, very dark road to start down. Do what you feel comfortable with and that doesn’t make you or your relationship feel cheapened in anyway. Don’t put yourself under the pressure to become a nympho to keep up with an ex, just let it happen and improve as it it will do.
Maybe he has some valid things he wants to talk about, but using his ex as a point of reference isn’t the way to be heard. Hopefully the conversation would help clear the air and help you both to set clear boundaries and rules.
Post # 13
@Dr_Clic: umm his behavour is not ok in my book. Even tho you are not a jealous type that kind of thing would make anyone jealous. You need to have a talk with him. Not telling you he was engaged before could be he was embaressed about it but still.
And that Best friends GF’s comment about his Ex losing her ring when you were showing her yours, what a horrible inappropriate thing to say, she must not think before she speaks.
Post # 14
Ummm…. Not OK… you need to let him know that you are not ok that he talks about his EX so often. What’s the point in bringing her up!? No one wants to hear that!! I’m sorry but he needs a good talkin’ to.
I don’t think it’s ok that you found out that he was engaged once before from someone else. He needs to be honest with you.
It seems like you don’t know him very well if you are hearing the engagement thing from someone else… That’s pretty big.
I am sorry but I would have no tolerance with all of the EX talk.
Post # 15
This is absolutely innapropriate for him to a) bring her up like this and b) leave out important information about his past. It is disrespectful for him to bring up his ex like that. Yeah, I get a passing story or two, but talking about their past sex life is not kind.
Post # 16
Good heavens, my Fiance talks about his first two wives and the sx-girlfriend way too much. Like he is still bitching about how they did him wrong, what they cooked, how they dressed, blah, blah, blah. I kind of dismissed it at first, but several of my friends have noticed and mentioned it to me so now I am being to wonder if all these comments are indicative so some underlying issue. The not being told about the prevuious engagement is definitely not cool.