(Closed) his ex wants to visit…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I personally say no ex-contact ever.  That’s just me.  You and your SO have to decide what is right for you.

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

On the one hand you don’t want to say no because it gives the impression that you are insecure in your relationship and don’t trust the two of them together.

On the other hand he broke up with you…twice…because of this girl.  You have every right to feel insecure about your relationship and dubious as to her intentions.

What would your FI do if you told her no?

As a mother myself, I wouldn’t let my DH’s trampy ex-gf NEAR my kid.  I would flat out tell her that not only do I not want her to visit US, I don’t even want her contacting him while she’s in town.

But my relationship is a bit different, and DH would back me up if I said that.  I think you need to discuss this with your FI and tell him that you don’t think it’s a good idea.  Too much temptation and he hasn’t been really good at avoiding it in the past.

Post # 5
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It’s just dinner – I think there’s no good reason to refuse, unless it would really upset you to have a meal with her.

Post # 7
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

If there’s already a precedent, then you’re kind of cornered into saying yes.  You should still let your FH know you are uncomfortable with it, but you’re making an effort for his sake.

Post # 8
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

i think you are absolutely justified in how you feel and your FI should respect. even if he didn’t break up with you two times before and he never slept over at her place, i still think you have every right to feel the way you do. given his history with her, i would say your best bet is to get him to understand that its NOT right for him to be friends with her.  he can;t have his cake and eat it too.

Post # 9
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

From what you have said, I think you have sort of decided already.  You don’t want to cause conflict with your Fi and you don’t want to be rude to her either.  You are still anxious about the whole situation and that is ok – he left you twice for this person.  That is no small thing!  At the same time though, she specifically contacted you, not your FI, to ask about meeting up for dinner.  I think this shows that she knows you are not totally ok with the situation and is trying to, in a sense, reach out with the olive branch.  She is engaged, you are engaged, and it is a dinner to catch up and chat.  That sounds pretty harmless to me.  BUT it is ultimately whatever you are comfortable with, and if you really don’t think you can be ok with this, then I don’t think you have any obligation to say yes to the dinner.  You have been through enough that your FI should understand if you don’t want to and should not give you grief about it.  I hope this works out for you – whichever way you decide to go!

Post # 10
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If she has been involved – multiple times – in ruining your relationship, he shouldn’t have her in his life.

Honestly? It sounds as though he is incredibly immature. This is something that I would expect from a 19-year old guy who is terrified of commitment.

Post # 11
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’ll play the devil’s advocate here…

I think if you’re not comfortable around this girl because of their past, but you think she’s a great person, you should keep her close to you. An evil ex who doesn’t know you can try to break you up, but a friend who knows how good you are as a family will back off…

You might feel uncomfortable at first, but you might feel better and better as you get to know her.

I felt very intimidated by my DH’s ex as she’s like, the perfect girl, and they were still friends and I didn’t want to be that girl who forbid them to see each other. My DH felt I was uncomfortable, so he stopped hanging out with her alone; but we see her together. And as time goes by, we see her less and less, not because it’s planned but because all have moved on. But I got to know her and she is a great girl – I gained a friend and stopped worrying so much…

Post # 14
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I really think you should at some point have a very honest conversation with him about how you feel though… He has broken your trust, and you decided to forgive him but you are left feeling insecure about her and he should have a big role to play to build back the trust and feeling of security…

Post # 15
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My FI plays on the same soccer team with his ex. They change together, and are in constant contact. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I make sure I’m at every game. I just want you to know that I know where you’re coming from. I would have been the one to ask her to dinner, though. I’m just like that. I like to keep my enemies as close as possible, kill them with kindness, and remind them of what they’re missing. I also LOVE to show her that what he has now is a million times better than anything she was EVER even capable of giving him. 

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