Post # 1
so…..my bf and his ex met in college and got married then went to different school for masters, then for work reason he has to move, then his ex couldn’t leave everything behind in the US, so eventually they decided to divorce…then he met me, and we are getting married though we’ve only know each other for a little over a year……
the thing is i didn’t mean to snoop on his email, but i accidently found out that his ex keeps writing to him..obvioulsy not over him(still asking him to find her a job here), and at the bottom of letter always use”love kate”, of course i freaked out, and he explained they are like family, and he didn’t reply much though, i know there is no way they are getting back together and he loves me, but the whole thing still bothers me…maybe i’m too childish…on my engagement ring i told him, unless you buy me a 3 carat ring or bigger or it means you don’t love me as much compared to your ex( he bought her 3 carat ring, 2 carat ear studds, and some other stuff …)
told my mom, she ask me to grow up and stop being so obsessed with his ex….
Post # 3
Does he talk about his ex alot? Does he ever talk about her.. ever?
Some people do still remain friends after a marriage, not all people have horrible exes..
Has he given you any reason to not trust him? Because honestly… it seems like you don’t… considering youre demanding a very expensive ring and jewelry to prove how much he loves you instead of just believing his word.
May I ask how old are you and your fiance? I do not mean to sound mean, but demanding such things is childish in my eyes
Buying someone’s love (which is what youre basically asking him to do) is a clear sign that there are other issues here than the ex
Post # 4
This guy should run far and fast. Demanding a huge ring? First I wonder how you know about the things he bought her???? I have no heavenly idea what my SO ever bought his exes.
If you are planning to marry this person you have to accept that he had other women in his life but now he’s chosen you. Honestly tho I would say keep hounding him– so he leaves your immaturity behind.
Post # 5
can you see what his replies were? that might help you understand what their friendship is like now.
i agree expecting a 3 carat diamond or bigger is materialistic and immature, what are you going to do if he can’t afford that? love is about more than material objects
Post # 6
@chrissss: I think you should listen to your mum.
So long as he isn’t making her think she has a chance, don’t worry about it.
ETA: I don’t believe you can measure love, and certainly not in carat size.
Post # 7
I think you should listen to your mum. It is very childish to demand that he purchase you a ring the same size or bigger than his ex’s. It seems that your relationship isn’t free from his ex not only because he communicates with her, but also because of you. If you’re always comparing yourself to his ex, then you’re constantly bringing her into the picture. You may end up pushing him back into her arms.
He purchased her a 3 carat ring. But you brought her back into the picture when you demanded that he purchase you something the same size or bigger to prove that he loves you. You made sure that his choice would be influenced by her, instead of letting him pick a different ring that symbolizes your relationship.
If you don’t put your insecurities about his past marriage away, the person it will end up hurting the most is you. This is your relationship, it’s just you and him in it. He and his ex may communicate as good friends, but he is your fiance now. Focus on your relationship with him, and less on his past relationships, otherwise you’ll always be living with the ghost of his ex in your relationship.
Post # 8
@mamadingdong: he told me about what he bought for his ex one time, not in a show-off way, but we just happen to talk about ring and stuff…that’s how i know….so …it’s not about the size of the ring….it’s the emotional side to this whole thing…
Post # 9
@Shlieka: i think you are totally right……thanks…
Post # 10
@PoeticDoveInLA: i just turned 25, he is 31 …….
Post # 11
I agree with all the PP’s. I don’t mean to offend, but you sound like you are being quite childish. While I understand that it is upsetting to see he is talking to his ex, and perhaps not appropriate (not sure all of the surrounding circumstances), demanding a bigger ring, snooping his email (accident is once, not multiple times) is not adult behaviour.
My FI has been married before and was also friends with his ex when we met. They ended up breaking off their friendship because his ex was saying things about me (we’d never met) and he didn’t like it. She wouldn’t stop, so that was that. I have never, not once, demanded anything that is “more” than what his ex had. I know his last wedding was huge, but I wanted a small one, his ex likely had a bigger ring (we are on a tight budget to buy a house), but for me, it isn’t competing with the ex, rather just moving on.
You need to seriously think about your behaviour, perhaps go into couples councilling to see why you are so competitive with someone, who you even said, is not a threat to your relationship and re-evaluate the situation you are in.
Post # 12
Hmmm… “accidentally” snooping through his e-mail and telling him “unless you buy me a 3 carat ring or bigger or it means you don’t love me as much compared to your ex”?
Yeah, I’d say that fits the criteria for childish. Certainly no way to treat someone you love and supposedly trust. I don’t really think you’re ready to be getting married until you grow up.
Post # 13
You said it’s about the size of the ring. There is nothing but jealousy & pettiness tied to someone demanding a certain size diamond & equating it to how much you are loved. I stand behind my original thoughts & if I thought there was any use I would hope you wise up.
Life is not about things. Not at all.
Post # 14
@KatyElle: I agree 100%.
If you think the size of the ring is what deems how much someone loves you, then celebrity marriages should be the most long lasting marriages out there (and we know that’s not true).
I think you need to do some soul searching and work on yourself. You are sounding very petty and childish right now.
ETA: His ex may not be over him, or his ex may just want to keep the friendship they had. The bigger issue here is that you can’t deal with his ex and you are demanding he show you how much he loves you by buying more stuff then he bought here. A loving and healthy relationship is in no way dependent on the number and size of expensive trinkets your SO gets you.
Post # 15
Ring aside, I agree with yOur mom and previous poster. Your lack of trust and competitiveness with an ex WILL damage your relationship . Unless his replys say anything about how much he miSses her and still loves her… I would let. It be.
Sent from my iPhone
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
The title of your post reads “ex is not over him”- but what is she saying that makes you think she’s not? Is she writing “I want you to dump your FI and get back together with me?” “Love, Kate” doesn’t mean that.
@PoeticDoveInLA: Well said.