His family hates me and I don't think I can change their minds

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How to handle the party?
    Be blunt about knowing what is said about me and tackle it from there : (12 votes)
    23 %
    Try to be overly friendly, suddenly becoming the opposite of my real self : (4 votes)
    8 %
    Other : (36 votes)
    69 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    777 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I’d be less worried about his family disliking you and more worried about how mean he seems…

     

    Telling you that his family HATES you, and not being reassuring in the least? I wouldn’t want to buy a house and start a life with a man that mean.

    Post # 3
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Simba-Leigh:  I can’t believe he told you what his family has said, first of all. Second of all, if ANYONE said those things about me to my FI, that person would be told to STFU, and I’d never hear a word about it. Except when I asked why we haven’t seen (whoever insulted me). 

    Seriously, I can’t believe he allows them to speak about you like this!

    Post # 4
    Member
    4876 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Simba-Leigh:  I have to be blunt, but I would never marry someone whos family hates me. Period. If he’s close to his family, it will ALWAYS be a wedge between you. You shouldn’t have to “fix” a personality trait of yours to be with this guy – and he shouldn’t ask you to as a condition on a proposal.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7195 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Simba-Leigh:  So when his family say they don’t like him, how does he respond? Does he tell them to stop bad mouthing his girlfriend? Does he tell them he’s never leaving you and it’s not going to change, so they will need to learn to love you?

    It sounds to me like the problem is your bf, that he is not standing up enough for you. Instead of standing up for you, he is relaying their concerns back to you, with the unspoken message, “You need to change”.

    You should neither be blunt, or overly friendly. You should be yourself. And more importantly, you need to tell your bf that he needs to stand up for you if they talk about you behind your back.

    EDIT: Oh wait, a proposal is conditional on you “fixing things” with his family? Forget that! This “man” needs to cut the apron strings and be devoted to you, regardless of what his family thinks. That’s what love does. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    584 posts
    Busy bee

    I also can’t believe he tells you that they hate you! He should never say that! I had a similar issue, they didn’t hate me, but I do take a while to warm up to people (also I have a crass sense of humor and his family is fairly uptight so I do have to not be my normal self). My now-husband would say “well they don’t know you yet because you’re so quiet, but they will get to know you more and love you like I do.”

    I think the big issue is your SO and that he isn’t sticking up for you nor being kind TO you.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee

    He should be trying to fix thing between you and them not siding with them.  Sorrry.  He doesn’t sound like the guy for you.  The guy for you would be trying to build  the relationship, not putting the onus on you.

    I’d dump the guy, honestly.  He should be more concerned with the relationship between you two.  If you can’t bring yourself to leave him yet, PLEASE don’t move in with him until he demonstrates more concern for YOUR feelings. SMH,

    Post # 8
    Member
    7075 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    He puts his family before you. End of story. Sorry but I wouldn’t marry him.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2006

    I’m sorry but it sounds like your BF is a complete jerk! Why would he keep telling you how his family hates you so much. I’m sorry, but I don’t think they hate you. I think he doesn’t want to commit and is using them as the scapegoat! If they did hate you than as a man, and your BF of 4 years, he should be telling them that he loves you, wants to marry you and so on. He should tell them to fix things. Or get along with you cause he isn’t leaving you! He apparently dones nothing but tell you how they hate you and insist you fix it or else. If you marry him, good luck in the future! He doesn’t sound like a good man at all. So sad. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2006

    Simba-Leigh:  just read your response… And he sounds like a big douche! I mean, telling you every day how they hate you, and texting it to you too?!?! Seriously.. What an ahole. wow! And saying how he is doing his part getting a house and your part is to make nice with his family. No, wrong! Your part is to get a home with him, grow in your relationship together, make him happy… Not his family! If they don’t like you, tough luck! They’re grown ass adults and will get over it. Proposing to you and living with you shouldn’t depend on his family. You need to tell him to grow up and deal with it Himself! And if he doesn’t want to marry you because of his family not liking you for not talking enough, than maybe he isnt the man for you and you two need a break! Or some counseling! 

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  .
    Post # 12
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Simba-Leigh:  I don’t even like that I’m about to say this. I think you should cut your losses here. There’s really not a whole hell of a lot you can do. Unless, you’re willing to completely change your personality. You say it works great that you’re opposites, but he doesn’t feel that way and neither does his family. He wants you to change who you are, and THEN he will make a life with you. 

    That’s pretty messed up in my book. Especially since he’s said he agrees with them.

    Post # 14
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee

    Simba-Leigh:  I am sorry, but no. Just no. You have done NOTHING to justify their behaviour towards you. And your SO has NO right to base moving your relationship to the next step on his family’s “liking” you. After 4 years together you guys are building your own lives together and he needs to grow up and cut the family umbilical cord. Your relationship is between you and him. And as long as there isn’t any open hostility and verbal clashing that is where the relationship needs to stay. But if you are wanting to try and make this crazy request happen, and encourage his lack of supporting YOU, you can call them out on their behavior next time you see them with your SO. I would wait till you are all sitting around and say, ” SO says after 4 years of being together, he is unwilling to move our relationship forward due to you guys having issues with me. Since I was unware that I did anything to offend you and I always treated you like my second family, what did I do to offend you so terribly? I would like to rectify the situation and clear the air. So please tell me, since I couldn’t imagine you having an issue with my quiet, less intimidating personality.”

    See how that works.

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