Post # 1
Would you be upset that your SO’s entire family secretly went to his ex’s baby shower? I only found out due to a slip of the tongue. And all my SO’s friends know that his family showed at the event.
I feel like that is so wrong – like it’s a signal that I’m not accepted by them – or maybe I’m just too sensitive about the whole thing?
Post # 3
My ex’s parents came to my college graduation. My current bf and now FI and his parents also came. For me it was because they were reallly the only “family” I had. So, at least in my situation the relationship wasn’t about the ex so much as it was about his parents being parents to me to a small degree….very small don’t get me wrong!
I’m older now and far less needy for “family.” FI and his family and the family ties I have been working on are very much enough for me and ex’s parents have faded out of my life. Though, ex’s mom did recently start posting on my FB about the passing of my guardian…it was weird and unwelcomed.
We will all be meeting for my guardian’s memorial, me, FI, ex, ex’s wife, ex’s parents. And I’m sure it will suck for all of us. I know ex told me a long time back that his to be wife was pretty jealous of the relationship we had…it’s going to be weird for FI and I of course…but we are have interconnected lives so it is what it is.
I don’t know if this is helpful…just trying to say that situations can be complicated I guess.
Post # 4
I was told that only one sister even liked the ex. And her name comes up
constantly – I’ve even been called her name before! I guess I’m just being butt hurt cause I dont feel respected or accepted.
Post # 5
I would be upset.
It might not be rational, but it would be hurtful.
Post # 6
@cali_cat: I think it’s wrong that they attended in secret. Due to the sensitive nature of a couple breaking up, your SO should have been informed.
But, other than that I don’t see it as a huge deal. Your SO’s family was obviously close to his ex, and it’s always hard for the family to “break up” with an ex too, the feelings don’t go away. I loved an ex of my sister’s, he was a very sweet guy and we got along well, and if he invited me to a male equivalence of a baby shower, I’d want to attend. I’d clear it with my sister first, but if she had no problem with it I’d go.
Just because they still care for the ex doesn’t mean they don’t care for you. There’s no rule of mutual exclusion. Now, if they’re treating you poorly and bringing her up in comparison to you, or something like that, well, there you go. But try not to jump to conclusions, you might be getting yourself upset over nothing.
Either way, I hope this works out for you! Feeling unloved is never great.
Post # 7
@acciotoni: yeah, I think the fact that I cooked thanksgiving dinner and hosted everyone – to have the ex brought up at dinner, and talk of how great her shower was… So rubbed me wrong. :/ I’ll try to be the bigger person though.
Post # 8
If they’re all family friends and it’s out in the open, then I don’t see a problem. The issue here for me was the secrecy. They should either be open about the relationship or not have it.
What does your SO think about it?
Post # 9
Once while DH and I were visiting my (now) MIL from across the country for the holidays she invited his ex and her new family over for lunch. So awkward. MIL used to always bring up the ex while I was there. DH’s ex is married and has two kids, yet MIL still would bring her up in conversation often. I would just ignore it and go on with my day. Thankfully she has stopped now that DH and I are married.
Post # 10
Probably not. FH remained friends with his ex’s parents for a while, and she was friends with his mum and older sister for a while after the break up too. They’d quite often visit each others parents and I became friends with her parents as well. We avoided her, but when we first got together he was 18 and lived with his mum, so sometimes she’d stay over while we were there, and he stayed at her parents place one night when he was too tired to drive home. It didn’t bother me, he hated her, and her family treated him like a son. It would have been a little weird to go from being that close with them to no contact.
It faded after a while, we still talk to her younger sister sometimes (who incidently decided to have no contact with his ex, because she’s eviiiiil lol). I guess it would depend on the circumstances though, if they treated me like crap and were super best buds with her, i’d be sad that they didn’t accept me, but that wouldn’t really have anything to do with the ex.
Post # 11
My parents are close with my ex’s parents so they are constantly visiting with each other. My dad is notorious for giving me updates in front of my FI about my ex. But I honestly believe that as long as FI trusts that there is no longer a link between the two only important parties (him and myself) in this matter, it will never be a problem.
You just have to let it go otherwise something like this will just drive you crazy. If you’re anything like me, you think on it constantly until you explode. It sucks to feel unaccepted, though. Nothing will ever change that 🙁
Post # 13
@Jessy727: Thanks for the perspective – it really helped me get my head on straight about this. Luckily my SO is on the same page with me and is going to talk to his family about what is going on (like why are they doing things secretly instead of just being upfront about things).
Post # 14
I would be hurt to that none of SO family had mentioned the event they attended. Though I’m not sure how long you have been with your SO.
Funny you should post this:
Yesterday in the mail at SO parent’s house a card arrived addressed to SO mother. SO mother in front of me said “Maybe SO should open this, it’s addressed to me. (Flips envolope over) I don’t know why she would send it to me. Really SO ex was friends with SO and his brother. Not me.”
Then she tossed it onto the kitchen bench. SO ex sent his parents a christmas card apparently she sends one every christmas. But SO mother dismissed it in front of me and I know who the ex is.
The ex was SO first serious girlfriend when he was 19. Before that she was SO’s brother’s girlfriend (and SO brother had multiple girlfriends at the time) and long story short the ex cheated on SO with his best friend and another guy. I know the story as SO would go into this depressive state and start talking about her until one day I had enough listening about the ex and told him to wake up and that he is with me now and not her plus it was close to two decades ago the events happen.
When I found out about the card I didn’t know how to re-act. I was a bit indifferent in front of his mother and I mentioned it to SO and he pretty much just shrugged and carried on talking about our christmas holidays which pretty much made me feel better.
Still it has been on my mind. Lets see what happens.
Post # 15
My parents split in 07 and my mom is still close with one of my paternal aunts and great aunts, and still sends holiday cards to all of my cousins. My dad hasnt dated anyone seriously until quite recently, and my mom remarried, and my dads family met him.
As long as people are up front about it, I dont see a problem with it. If they arent hiding anything, dont stress it or qill drive you crazy.
Post # 16
@cali_cat: Glad I could help! 🙂
Post # 17
I would be upset. Even if I knew I wasn’t being rational I would still be upset.
My bf’s ex wife went NUTS when she found out that we were together, she was calling my work, sending facebook messages to my family and friends, calling my cell and hanging up, it was crazy!! I didn’t even know her, I knew her brother and somehow through connections she tracked me down. Since she’s such a nutjob I would be pretty choked if his family was still in contact with her.
Actually, I’m pretty close with my bf’s sister and tried adding her on facebook a while ago… she didn’t accept my request until about two weeks later despite going on there every day. She told me it was because she was making sure that the ex wife couldn’t see that we are friends. I’ve blocked her so she can’t see me anyway but I was pretty annoyed.
Then last week we went out of town for my bf’s sister’s birthday party and she won’t put any pictures on FB that have me in them in case the ex sees them and gets upset. Their breakup wasn’t recent at all and their divorce has been final for a long time so I really don’t get it. Just unfriend her!