Weddingbee boards

Hi,
Been around for awhile and decided for the first time to post...
Yes, it's about The Ex. It was his first love, let's call her A, they met when they were about 18-19. He is now 28 and I am 25. She was a foreign student at the time and moved to his parent's house to live with him. They talked about marriage, they were engaged after a year of relationship. Then she had to go back to her country. They maintain LDR for a year. After that, my FI dated another girl (let's call her B) for a few months it didn't work out, and I met him after.

My FI and A maintain a friendship after they broke up, via chat, phone and skype. I must mention that it is one of the reason why FI and B broke up along other things.
At first I trully didn't mind FI and ex being friends (A and B). I didn't mind that FI and B were roomates and had the same courses and same friends and would go out just the 2 of them for coffee, sometimes we would go out together with other ppl as well. All of that I am saying to show that I wasn't the jealous type of girl. My concern is with ex A.

When we officially dated me and FI, he told A via chat. She cried even though she was with someone for over a year or two (now husband). She said she was happy for him. FI cried as well after knowing she was crying (I know this because I saw their chat), he said that his gf (me) was a too good person not to be faithfull to her, that he wanted his relationship to work out and that even if he has a gf, nothing would change between them. They kept communicating for years. During that time there were many things that bothered me. I'll post a few here..

They kept saying they miss each other (like friends), they finished chat with a kiss and a 'love u'. I told FI that I didn't approve, but he said its nothing harmful, it's in her culture to be like that, I said it's not in mine. FI had a special sound when A connected her chat, not me or anyone else. He remembered the 1st movie they watched together. Not the one WE watched together. When her chat was open, even if they werent talking, I saw him saying good night to her before going to bed. I always felt like she was still special to him. Once we were at the movies, of ocurse he couldnt answer his cell. She called multiple times. Then her MOM called asking FI why he wouldnt answer her daughter's call...(totally none of her business). She already told him she thinks he's more good looking than her bf (now hsuband). He told her she was good looking too (after seeing a pic of her, she used to send him pic regularly). She gave him her email password because she wanted him to help for something i dont remember. After a year and a half of dating, A randomly says she still cries sometimes when thinking of him. We had a lot of arguments over all of this. He thinks I am overreacting. Once, FI was drunk, he said, that A will always be special to him because this and thats...I was hurt. Time passes, they speak less (since A gets married, is that a coincidence?), I forget all about it.

At our 4th year of relationships, I start to wonder about marriage. He doesn't want marriage. But yes, he was engaged to A, had officially proposed to her in front of his family..after 1 year of relationships. I really feel like he'll never love me as much as he had loved her. Again, time passes by, he finally agrees to marry (no proposal) because he knows it's important to me. I am happy....but I feel like he does it for me, not because he wanted to like with his ex. At that time, we had agreed that he would not contact A as much as before, because it<s unhealthy for our relationships.

Then he started to recontact A, like almost everyweek, I freak. I am wondering why he does that. He doesnt really give an explanation, that he just wanted to have some news from her. Then I did it, I told him to never contact her again, I<ve had enough of it. He said okay, but still asked to have the permission to speak to her for announcing our marriage, our telling her when we<ll have kids...Why would he care enough about her after more than 7 years ...She did call him and text him a few times. Once I answered, she hung up on me. He never answers her no more. She still gives him updates of her life even if he doesnt answer her (why would she do that). Last time they spoke (he accidentally answered his phone when she called) he told her we were getting married, she asked to be invited, and said jokingly "dont worry I wont say anything at your marriage", meaning she wont oppose at our marriage, what kind of joke is that! She said that her husband couldnt probably come, for x reason (btw, she now lives in the States, I live in Canada, so she was willing to pay for airfaire, hotel to go to our wedding and FI and her never met after their breakup). FI wants to invite her, I dont. I am upset that he even wants her at our marriage. Even now he still puts her on a pedestal (or thats the feeling i have), when i say something about her, he defends her. Now because of all of this I've become jealous and insecure.. Even if he says he loves me and that there was never anything between A and him when he was with me. He admitted that his behaviour could have hurt me and apologized for that.

I want to know, am i being crazy for forbidding him to speak to her? How would you have reacted? We are now good, he doesn't mention her, we love each other and time had passed by..but I can't help but not forget about the past. How do you truly forgive ? Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading..

i agree with you i wouldnt want my bf ex at my wedding, he wouldnt like it if you maintained a relationship with your ex 

Thanks for all the feedback! 

To answer a pp, yes I think she likes the attention she gets and I an not sure her husband knows about it. In fact I sometime thought she acted this way because her husband (then bf) had already cheated on her, and it's her way to feel better..She said he had to marry her or she would leave him. FI even said their marriage wont last long because of that. I asked if he would go back to her if there was an opportunity, he said no ppl change with time and they were young.

One of the things that made me stay at the beggining was that I knew what she was doing and I wasn't letting her win this time (unlike B) (FI told me she was happy when he and B broke up..). But yes it was hard, and I wouldn't do it again, and he knows it.

FI already told her (even before meeting me) to be careful with her behaviour because she was in a relationship (while he wasn't). He told me he knows she's manipulative, but somehow doesn't see the harm in talking to her because there are no feelings (on his side). But I said it bothered me that he makes her happy by giving her what she wants (attention). He understood, and they stopped communicating for the ladt year. I think I need to get over it, like pp said and focus on the good things. I still feel bad for resolving this issue the way I did (by not allowing him to do something, I wish he would have done it by himself)

FI said he knows he tends to embellish the past and knows he's lucky to have me, but he doesn't know what more he can do and I need to leave the past behind. I know he's a good person, and that is really the only "problem" in our couple.

(on a funny not pp said something about security at our wedding made me smile because one of my best friend told me  she and the girls would take care of her if she even dares to show up haha!)

First off, I want to send you lots of love and a big giant hug. This kind of thing can be so frustrating.. because after awhile, you start to think YOU are the crazy one, and it's just not right. This post brings back that sinking gut feeling I can relate to all too well...I was with my ex for 5 long years and put up with alot of the same BS.  He'd had a long term 'friend' who had had a crush on him hanging around our relationship, and his previous relationship, for years. I had never been the jealous type, but his repeated behaviour of putting her needs first throughout our relationship certainly brought those traits out in me over time.

Alot of what you're putting up with (and that's what you're doing, tolerating inappropriate behaviour), is unnecessary frustration; he's saying that he understands your feelings about it, that he doesn't want it to be a problem between you, etc. but then goes and does what he wants, right?  He is putting his needs and desires above what is best for your relationship, and it shows immaturity on his part. 

5 years in of similar behaviour in my own past relationship, I'd had the last straw and said it was time to put our home on the market, my resentfulness had been building so long, I was done. Only then, did he throw a thinly veiled 'I was actually starting to think of marrying you' at me (starting? wtf). Once I left, he ran to the 'just a friend' and they hooked up. I've moved on, met the real love of my life, ex and 'just a friend' married (other people), but she was still in the wedding photo of him and his new wife. I didn't know whether to send a congratulatory card or a sympathy card! I really feel for the new wife:)

Dodged that bullet, and if you can relate, and unless he's truly willing to commit to some counselling to deal with his long lost love or co-dependency issues, you should too. Best of luck, sweetie, and big, big hugs. You deserve a big hearted, real man, who's going to put you first.