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I would tell him that you miss going to bed with him, and that you loved it when you two had a schedule arranged for it. Explain to him, calmly and not in a confrontational way, that it's difficult not having a schedule because every night you're left wondering whether or not he will come to bed with you, and that's it disappointing for you. Maybe it will help if you can tell him you don't mind him staying up late when you know ahead of time that it's his night for doing that, but when you never know what to expect it's very hard.
@Wonderstruck: thanks for your help! i actually said something like that yesterday, that it would be better if i knew in advance. his response? "i won't know until like, 11pm that night". *sigh*
@hellopurple: Ugh, that sucks. Has he said why he isn't okay with having a schedule anymore where there are set nights where you already know that he'll stay up late? Or on the opposite side, there could be a few nights a week that he promises to come to bed with you.
@Wonderstruck: he plays online, sometimes with real-life friends and other times with people he only knows from online. he says he stays up late when there are a lot of people online to play with. which makes sense i guess, but they did sunday nights for so long i don't know why suddenly they need to do it all the time and so randomly. the interesting part is the guy he games with the most is my sister's boyfriend, so at least we can be miserbale together. my sister really isn't helping from her end though, she is annoyed her guy does this but doesn't really say anything about it
FI used to play way too much games also. The only thing that seemed to help was to have him do some activities with me. We snowboard in the winter, and we ride horses (he got so into riding horses that he got one, I already had one). Well he still plays games, but usually only 3 days a week and mostly when I am not around. Usually he is happy to go to sleep with me, because he does so much during the day now, work and horse riding that he is tired at night.
@pinkhorse: yeah, physically removing him from his computer seems to be the only thing that helps. problem is he doesn't like to go places very often, and we are poor college kids. i've tried to suggest free things to do before (bike rides, etc), but they never actually happen.
sorry if i am coming across as a negative nelly, i'm just very frustrated
I definitely understand the frustration, that is a tough one. Does he have anything particularly stressful going on lately? I ask because I know that when I'm stressed out is when I find myself needing lots of alone time, and sometimes that can only happen after FI is asleep.
Yeah, I could see why you would be frustrated. It took me quite a few years to get FI to play less games. I also know it is hard start to do things that are out of the norm, like bike rides... I feel for you, and hope you will find what works for you two soon...
he is graduating from college a week from today, and then we are going to be mocing in together about a month and a half after that
Hmm. I've done some gaming with my boyfriend and I've been annoyed at the gaming my boyfriend has done. (We've both since quit.) So I can see both sides of the issue. My tips come from that and watching my sister who does not game, work it out with her husband.
1. Set non-game nights where you two will go on dates, cuddle, etc. Key here is that he won't sign on to the game AT ALL.
Note: If instead you decide to agree to him going on for short times (say an hour), be warned it's a slippery slope and will bleed over. Try not to be obnoxious, but time him so he knows how long he was really on - time slips away from you while gaming. By that, I mean state out loud when he gets on so he knows an hour later when you say "its 8pm honey" that he's had his hour.
Also: You might make an agreement that if he falls asleep on you those nights, he "owes" you something - a game night, dinner out, foot rub....whatever it might be to 1) bring you together again and 2) remind him that the relationship should be the priority.
2. Set game nights that you both agree to. These are the only nights he can stay up past 11 (or whenever is appropriate for you). In other words, he can't check out the game 5 nights a week if you agree upon 3. On those 3 nights, if friends are on only 2 nights, so be it.
3. Sign up for activities so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on fun (and gets him out of the house and away from the game).
4. Finally, know most people can't do it in moderation. My BIL had to bail on gaming for about 9 months to not piss off my sister. She was always willing to let him do it part-time, but he was addicted and couldn't resist diving in full force. You may just have to lay down the law (and know you might not win.)
Key in all of this is talking it through together, not just setting rules for him. You both need to agree on what is acceptable.
@kay01: thank you so much. i think it's his form of stress relief, so in addition to your wonderful suggestions i want to try to find a way we can relieve stress together (besides the obvious lol)
@hellopurple: "In August, he'll be going to the police academy and probably won't have the time to play much if at all, so maybe he's just trying to play as much as possible until then?
Umm yeah, no. His gaming isn't a habit it's an addiction. No 2 ways around it. And in my experience with gamers is they won't change until you're dead serious about doing something about it like you're leaving if his gaming remains a priority over quality time spent with you. Talking sweet is good, but up until now hasn't got you anywhere so moving on now. One more talk this time giving him some boundries. He gets 2 nights, period. Any 2 nights. Period. If he can't live with this I think you need to be prepared for this the rest of your life, or take you life and get on with it. If you continue to stay despite him failing to keep his word time and time again all he sees is evntually you give in.
I do some gaming, and so does my hubby. He's always been into more than I have, (he used to go to LAN parties before we met and when we first started dating). My brother was also a huge gamer. He killed himself in 2007, and my mom thinks the gaming contributed to his depression. The fact that several of his gaming friends came to his funeral make me believe that having that support system, even if online, actually prolonged his life. But I guess none of us really know for sure.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that you do need to come to an agreement and STICK TO IT. Yes, it is an escape, and it can be a great way to wind down after a stressful day. You say he is trying to cram it in before he goes to the police academy? I think if anything, the Police Academy and later, his policework, will make him retreat MORE into the game if you don't set boundries now, (hello, stressful job!). Find other ways for him to wind down...go for a walk together, watch a movie together on the couch. You aren't his mother, but he does need to realize that what he's doing isn't healthy for him OR your relationship.
Also, maybe you could try gaming, too. I am not a fan of shooter games like Call of Duty or Socom, but I like Fantasy games like Fable 3 and World of Warcraft. I don't advise playing WoW unless he already does it, because you could BOTH very-well become addicted. lol! But a game like Fable 3 is easy to play, can be played alone or together, and it's easier to walk away from for a few days or a week. So, maybe Sunday could be his night to stay up late gaming, and Thursday could be your night to game together.
It sounds like a real addiction and it may be something you will have to look into a bit deeper than just telling him to stop. I don't think I could handle the disappointment every night, especially if you plan to have kids together.
The part about him acting like he doesn't know what you're talking about when you remind him what the two of you agreed on earlier is troubling.
Makes it sound a little like addictive behavior.
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Hey Ladies!
So, my boyfriend has always been a video gamer. Since he enjoys staying up late and gaming a lot, we had come up with an arrangement where he would only stay up late (aka not go to bed with me) one night a week, Sunday. And that's how it was for months, and it was awesome. But lately he's been staying up late more and more (like 5 nights a week) and it is driving me NUTS. It's not just that I go to bed alone, it is also because I am missing all semblence of couples' bonding time. When he does come sit with me on the couch, he lays down and falls asleep. A couple of weeks ago, we had sort of a fight resulting in us agreeing we needed to spend more time together. But guess what? He's back to staying up late on games almost every night. So yesterday I brought it up, that we had just talked about this, and he acted like he completely didn't understand, asking what "too much" gaming late was to me and we didn't get anywhere. As I type he's playing right now on his computer. In August, he'll be going to the police academy and probably won't have the time to play much if at all, so maybe he's just trying to play as much as possible until then?
What do you think ladies? How can I get it into his brain that relationships are supposed to include compromise, that he's being selfish without coming across as a total bee-yotch? I'm not trying to get him to quit gaming, but it would be great if we could get back to one (or two) nights a week of him being up until past 4 am.