(Closed) HIS guest list too long…NEED ADVICE! So frustrated…

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Seems like there’s lack of clarity in a couple of areas:

1. You agreed that you would each invite 40, and his side is up to 55… were they clear on the limit? If so, can’t you simply remind them that the budget only allows for 40? Maybe they’ll offer to pay the difference, or they’ll have to cut their list.

2. When you agree to an even split of the entire guest list, you don’t get to control who goes on the list — even if that means they have cousins/aunts/uncles and you don’t. A different approach would have been to make a combined list of all mutual friends and immediate family on both sides, drawing the line in the same place (i.e., all first cousins/aunts/uncles), regardless of how many each side gets. Then you split the difference for extras, including parents’ friends. Is it too late to change your approach?

Post # 4
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hmmmm….have these aunts/uncles/cousins actually been invited yet, or are they just on FI’s guest list.  I would definitely put my foot down if I were you and reiterate the 40 person rule to your FI and his family…that’s only IF they haven’t been invited yet.  Unfortunately,  you can’t take back those invites 🙁

Post # 5
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree w/ NotYourTypicalBride.  Unfortunately you don’t have control of who he invites if it is an even split but you should sit down and talk with him about the 40 person rule.  Is it possible his mother is pushing for the extra people?  She perhaps may not know about the 40 person rule.  If they were aware of the limit then you will have to remind them that the can only invite 40 and if they want more they will need to help pay the difference.  If he loves and cares about your feelings he would understand that it isn’t that you don’t want them there, its the sheer price of the wedding that is the problem.

Good luck! Smile

 

Post # 7
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Well, you either have agreement on the 40 per side, or you don’t… is your FI not willing to reinforce the 40? Does he not understand that 15 extra guests put a financial hardship on your family?

If he isn’t willing to address it with his family, I might ask him then to explain to your parents that his family will be inviting 15 extra people and they can’t pay for it.  Maybe that will help him see the light?

One thing is unclear to me, though – are you saying you can each INVITE 40, regardless of who is like to show up? If so, maybe that’s not the best way to do it? Typically you would figure out how many you can afford to attend, and then send more invitations knowing that some will decline. You take your best guess on the number of declines you’ll receive, knowing that you’ll be a little bit off in the end.

Example: I budgeted for 80-85 guests at my (semi-destination) wedding. We invited 103. At one point, based on verbal commitments, I thought we might go over 90. In the end, 76 showed up. Are you accounting for declines?

Post # 8
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hm…that is a tough one.  But I would be more inclined to agree with you:  if you had already decided on 40 people for each side, then its 40 people.  He should either reduce his guest list or pay for the overage (him or his parents).

Post # 9
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You could do the A-list/B-list thing, as a possible compromise.  Although if your fiance’s friends and family live in Italy, more of them are likely to be able to make it than your friends and family coming from the states.  The fact is, your budget is your budget, and your parents are paying.  He needs to man up and tell his parents that they cannot expect your parents to pay for extra guests.  I know it’s hard to keep the peace in this situation, but he needs to be firm.

I had a similar problem with FI’s parents’ guest list, and it was awkward even though I made him do most of the dirty work.  They finally sent us a list in tiers, and told us to make the line where we needed to.  They ended up with 6 fewer guests than my parents, because the next tier had 15 people.  If his parents really want to celebrate with their friends, they could throw a party or something after the wedding (since everyone’s in the country anyway).

Post # 10
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@RomaBride: Don’t make excuses for who is on your guest list versus his.  My family lives over 3,000 miles away from me so naturally my guest list will be mostly friends since many family members can’t afford the cost to make the trip.  My FI understands that and doesn’t mind at all.  It is who is closest to you that matters, not if they are related or not. 

I would just stand your ground at 40 people.  If perhaps not everyone RSVP’s you can then maybe offer to give those invites to him to use for those that did not make the first cut?  If he can’t accept that then he will have only 40 to invite and that is it.  He will have to learn to deal with it. 

Don’t feel bad.  You are totally being reasonable about this issue.

Post # 12
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Could you talk to him about his parents or even him covering the cost for the 15 extra guests? If he wants the extra people there he (or his family) should take care of the expense.

Post # 13
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I don’t have much advice, but only to say, this happens a lot. Or at least with my fiance and I. My parents are paying for everything except catering. They are putting down $20,000 for the wedding! His parents may spend $4,000 but I doubt it since they can cater tons of people for not a lot of money at all. Anyway, my parents are out of town and that means most of their friends won’t come. The wedding is in my fiance’s hometown which means his parents want to invite the world. My parents got 50 people to invite, his parents got 50, and we got 100. That’s 200 people. Long story short (probably not) his parents wanted to invite an additional 50 people! I told my fiance the extra 50 would be invited IF and when we knew we could accomodate them (after the RSVPs come back). If not they can get a wedding announcement afterwards. Well he sulked about it because he said, “It’s not fair I want my parents to have their friends there too… they’re catering and I feel like they should have who they want there.” Baha, yes dear fiance, they have 50 of their friends there. The other 50 may or may not be able to come. But let’s not talk about fair when my parents are paying $20,000. I’m glad his parents are cetering but that is a fraction of the cost and we’re all splitting the guest list even stevens.

Just stick to your guns or make them pay more.

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