Post # 1
I have not done any wedding planning, as FI and I are both applying for residencies and do not know where we will end up/when we will have time off until after February. We have only had a few conversations about the wedding location and cannot agree on where it will be.
We met in vet school in the Caribbean. He is from Minnesota, I am from Ontario. We both would like the wedding to be in our hometown. His reason was that his grandparents would not travel to Ontario, my grandparents wouldn’t travel either so those cancel out. He then said his brother does not have a passport (he is 26). I didn’t think this was a valid argument because his brother can easily get a passport. One reason I felt the wedding should be in Ontario, and I kind of felt like a jerk for suggesting it, is that my parents can help financially with the wedding and his are not really in a position to do so.
I suggested a destination wedding as a compromise. It would be the Florida Panhandle area (Rosemary Beach, Seaside, etc area). I have been going there for family vacations for years and always thought it was a pretty spot for a wedding. Plus we met in the Caribbean and I thought a beach wedding would be appropriate. He didn’t like the idea of everyone having to travel and didn’t think this was a good solution.
So now we are back at square one. Any other Bees from different states/countries from your fiances? How did you pick the location for your wedding?
Post # 3
Traditionally, you marry in the hometown of the bride. And if your parents are contributing financially then they technically get a say in the planning process too. But those are just traditional notions and that being said you should do whatever is best for your FI and you.
Post # 4
That’s a tough spot to be in. Is there a certain church or venue you really want in Ontario? Maybe you could convince him saying it’s your childhood church or something like that?
Post # 5
@pixiecat: My fiance is from Vancouver and I’m from the midwest, we settled on having our wedding in Ontario where we’re making our home. But since that’s not an option for you, so, I’d approach it differently.
Since your family is paying, I’d say tell him that the choices are a destination or your hometown. The grandparents cancel each other out for both locations, the brother can as you said get a passport. Point out that either way one or both families are going to be inconvenienced and that a decision needs to be made.
Is there a place in your hometown you’ve always dreamed of getting married? That’s a hard one to argue with.
You’ve offered a compromise of a destination. Realistically, your parents aren’t going to be happy handing over money for a wedding that his family takes charge of because it’s in their town. I think the decision is pretty obviously Ontario or a destination and that his hometown is not in the cards.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
If you parents are contributing then they definitely get a say, which will be Ontario. I think a destination wedding is the best compromise for the both of you, otherwise it sounds like you’ll have issues no matter which hometown you choose.
Post # 7
I agree, if your parents are willing to help pay, that trumps any argument he has unless his parents want to foot the bill.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
Traditionally, weddings are in the bride’s hometown, especially since her family traditionally (though not necessarily) hosts. I think you win this one.
Post # 9
We are from different hometowns and we did a destination wedding. Best. Idea. Ever.
Post # 10
Thanks ladies, I was worried mentioning money to him would make me sound snobby but sounds like that is a valid concern. Ever since suggesting Florida as a possible destination wedding I have been getting more and more excited about the idea. Plus I think it would offer more for guests to do instead of coming in just for the wedding. I come from a big city but not a touristy spot, so I worry about out-of-town guests (on both sides) coming all that way and having nothing to do except the wedding. My mom loved the idea of a wedding in Florida, maybe I can show some pictures to FI and get him more excited about the idea.
Post # 11
In my culture the wedding takes place in the bride’s hometown traditionally, unless another locale is agreed upon.
Post # 12
Bumping this again, because I tried to talk to FI again and things went sour. I am currently in Illinois and he is in New Jersey as we are both doing internships, so all of our conversations are over Skype.
I brought up the wedding again, and asked again about a possible wedding in Florida. I said we met on the beach and it would be very romantic to get married on the beach. He said sure, we could get married on the beach of Lake Superior in Minnesota. I told him I had talked to my parents, and the options are Florida or Ontario (they are paying). He got a bit upset and wouldn’t say much. I think he is most worried that none of his family would travel to see his wedding, but I think a good number would. And honestly there would be much more to do for OOT guests in Florida than in my hometown.
He said he would think about it. I know he is really stressed right now because in three weeks he finds out if he matched a surgery residency. Hopefully he gets a residency and cheers up after that. My concern is that if we are both going on to do residencies, timing and booking things gets difficult. If we can manage to get married when I would like to we need to book venues by the spring.
Do you bees have any advice of how else I can approach this subject or how I can discuss things with him? Every time I try to talk about it I feel we end up in the same place and never make any progress.
Post # 13
Anyone have any suggestions?
Post # 14
Hmm it’s a tough one, my first reaction on reading this was that people are going to have to travel no matter what, which I wonder is something that has occurred to him, or perhaps he was just hoping it would be your side that agreed to travel.
I voted for Florida because I think it is appropriate and the most fair for everyone.
If he is getting really upset about his family having to go anywhere, maybe you could have a celebration/reception in Minnesota after you get married. Whether you actually get married abroad (Carribean?) or in Florida or even your home town, maybe he will be happier knowing his family and grandparents will still be involved, escpecially if you just have a small ceremony with your nearest and dearest. Get your FIL’s to organise a big party and wear your dress etc, then do the same in Ontario if that isn’t where you got married.
Ultimately there is always compromise, but neither one of you should be properly unhappy about this big decision you need to make
Post # 15
i think you need to give him a week or two to get used to the idea, and then if he’s still not being receptive lay it out.
‘FI, my parents are being extremely generous to offer to pay for the wedding. they are also being very flexible in allowing us to have it in my hometown or in florida. but they are not going to host and pay for a wedding in minnesota, so unfortunately that’s no longer an option. since we cannot pay for it ourselves, we need to make the best of the options we do have. also – it would be very nice to have parents ‘on the ground’ to meet with vendors etc in my hometown. i understand that you’re nervous that some people will not attend, but i really think that if we’re positive and give people lots of time, those who are important will make the trip.’
just lay out your options. point out that pouting about it will not a) make the money appear b) shrink the distance and c) it’s going to cut down on your venue options. tell him that all things considered, you’re in a pretty good place, and that you might as well be positive and get excited about the wedding you CAN have.
Post # 16
talk to him about ‘representing’ his hometown in a way at the wedding. is there a local beer he loves? try and get a keg. maybe a groom’s cake of a hometown sports team? etc that kind of stuff. sorry i wrote a novel, but my SO is from vancouver and I am from Ontario – so we’ve had this conversation (multiple) times! i feel your pain – it’s really tricky to coordinate.