- 9 years ago
- Wedding: October 2009
My Fiancee and I have been dating for about 2.5 years. Just recently in February we got engaged. We have a huge issue that at this point, I am concerned on if we will ever get married. We are both pretty successful people and we each own our own home. He bought his from his parents when they moved out about 8 years ago. So basically he has been living in the same house since he was 10. He is now 38. I also have my own home, that I purchased in 2006. This is the 3rd home I have purchased, starting from the bottom with a complete and utter fixer-upper, doing all the work myself, selling it and buying another home that didn’t need too much work, but I doubled my money again to finally being able to purchase a beautiful turn-key home that is perfect and I absolutely love. I have lived in the house for 2 years. I bought it when I first meet my boyfriend, now fiancee. He literally lives about 3 blocks from me. Both houses roughly have the same sq. ft and same lot size.
On to his house: His house is exactly the same as when his parents left, from what I am told by his mother, and they didn’t do much to it either, it is still caught in the 70’s. He has only done repairs to the area that people see when they walk in. But the other rooms are awful and downright disgusting. HE has a 100lb black-haired lab that lives in the house with him, which contributes to the flith (dog hair EVERYWHERE). I decided that when we were dating that he was old enough to take care of his own house so I was not going to clean his house for him. I would help him if he was cleaning and asked for my help, but I had my own house to take care of. His house, in my opinion, is honestly not fit for people to live in. My mother and sister thought I was over-exaggerating and would say "i am sure it is not that bad", however they later apologized after I brought them over recently so my mom could help me on getting it ready for me to move into. It is so filthy and not to mention things are falling apart or destroyed by the dog and needs about $40,000-$70,000 dollars worth of work to make it even livable.
Every time i enter his house, I cringe. We have an agreement that we do not spend the night at each others houses, one because I cannot stand the dog hair or even walk around without shoes on, two because he is not comfortable in my house either and he has to take care of the dog.
We have had many many fights on where we will live after the wedding. His stance is he is never going to leave his house, he assumed that I would just move in with him, no matter what. I should also mention he is also a pack rat and every nook and cranny is stuff to the gills with stuff. I am not even allowed into one of the back bedroom because it is so filthy. I have seen it several times and it makes me gag. It is just littered with papers, old toys from when he was a child, clothes, beer bottles, cups and trash. We have cleaned out two of the bedrooms ( he still had stuff from his ex-girlfriend but I shouldn’t be surprised, all his mother’s stuff is still there too) but since then, stuff has reappeared and they are cluttered again… I just do not want to live in this house. One is is disgusting, two his parents just moved out and left all their stuff there and it was her house for 20 some odd years, three he lived with his ex-girlfriend there for 3 years, and four i feel like it is his and will always be his no matter how long I live there.
He has agreed to clean everything up and fix up the house, however everytime i think about it and think that I have to live there, I cry. I am dreading the wedding because of what I will have to give up and move into when I am married. I don’t think I can go through with this, it is so overwhelming and makes me so depressed, I am not sure what to do. I cannot envision living there for the rest of my life. I am literally at a crossroads, he never asked me if I would give up my house , he just assumed. I guess I just thought that when I did get married, I would sell my house and we would move into something that was both ours. No his or mine…
He has some valid points and he has made concessions about his home. The valid points are, it is not a good time to sell our houses, so one of us should rent theirs out, we really couldn’t come up with the capital to buy another home. His home has his parents $1600 a year property tax base, and it will be paid off in 7 years.
He has agreed to fix up the house, but I am so unhappy just thinking about it… it seems daunting to me. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to find a pre-marital counselor so we can talk to someone about this, but I just want to know if I am being crazy, unreasonable or if my points are valid. He tells me that if his house isn’t good enough for him, than either is he. Please hlep if you have a similar situation or have some good advice.