(Closed) His kids might ruin our day

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Though you have a right to feel the way that you do about them, you can’t ban his children from the wedding. Especially if he wants them there. 

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

You are marrying a man with kids, wether you like them/get along with them, they are always going to be involved and be his family. If he wants them there, then they need to be invitied. Excluding them is only going to make things worse between the 3 of you.Even if his family knows how the kids feel about you, not inviting them is going reflect very badly on you.

Post # 6
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Carolekins:  Really though, he NEEDS to tell them what they should be doing. He needs to be standing up for you to his grown children and telling them their behavior is not appropriate. For you all to just wait for them to act appropriately seems a bit like your FI hiding his head in the sand on this. If they need to apologize for you to welcome them at your wedding, then they need to know that. 

Post # 7
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you think they hate you now.. just wait until they are not invited to the wedding.

I cant even comprehend how hard this must be for you and your FI and I am sorry your are struggling with this.  Not inviting them to the wedding will completely ruin any chance of a relationship you have with them as well as your FI’s.  They are his children and a part of them, it would be wrong to not invite them.  Eventually, they will grow up and things will hopefully change but until then you have to be the bigger person (even if they are being awful).

 

Post # 8
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

This is such a tough situation but for me personally, I wouldn’t want to be married or get married until my relationship with the kids is right. They are lashing out at you, and not handling their feelings properly. Your FI and his ex probably didn’t manage the separation well, or the children…and its probably just too much, too soon for them.

They sound very angry and I am so sorry you are caught in the middle of all of this. Big hugs.

Post # 9
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Carolekins:  I’m going thru a VERY similiar situation. FI has 2 daughters and 1 is refusing to come. I can feel your pain. I have no advice. I’m sorry

Post # 10
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It might be difficult to explain the behaviors of his teenagers but people will make excuses for them and chalk it up to them being teenagers, however if you choose not to invite them to the wedding people will not make excuses for you but rather chalk it up to you being rude, selfish, not understanding, etc (many things I AM SURE you are not but from an outsider looking in you will be classified). Be the bigger person! YOU are the adult here.

Post # 11
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

They sound nasty enough that they could cause drama at your wedding.  You guys could invite them, letting them know you only want them there if they support the marriage, but making it very clear in your invitation that they only should be there if they want to be there.  If they do come, maybe have someone on bratty teenager duty that will drag them outside if they start causing a scene.

 

I’d also be concerned about where they got all their ideas.  Could their mom be encouraging this?

Post # 12
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Neetch:  Agreed.  If FI’s not defending her now, that’s a serious problem that will only fester.

Post # 13
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m on the other side of this. My oldest has a lot of issues and resentment towards everyone not just my FI. If her attitude doesn’t change, she won’t be coming to our wedding because I will not allow her selfish behavior destroy our day (or our honeymoon since it’s a DW). She was supposed to be in her father’s wedding and decided a half hour before to not show up so it’s nothing new. It’s HER choice. She will be an adult and will be expected to behave like one.

Personally, I don’t believe that your FI should be telling them that they must apologize. Forced apologies do NOT mean anything (every parent knows this!). However, I do believe that he needs to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable when it is. He needs to tell them that he is happy with you, when they hurt you they hurt him also and it must stop. The next time they start anything have him end the conversation and say ‘When you are ready to behave like an adult we will talk again’.

Post # 15
Member
763 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If you want a relationship with your step-kids in the future, invite them to the wedding.  If you intend on never having a relationship with them, exclude them from the wedding.

Nothing good will come from excluding them from one of the most important days in their father’s life…

Post # 16
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

Obviously these kids have had their world turned upside down, and they’re lashing out at the one person they feel they can – you. Although they’re almost legally adults, emotionally they’ve just come through a shitstorm and are behaving badly.

I would just brush it all off and try to smile. Treat them the way you would want to be treated even if it’s difficult for you because, at the end of the day, you’re the adult. The more of an impact you allow them to have, the more they’ll push your buttons.  Concentrate on making your day as wonderful as  you can and if they show up and step out of line, ignore them. There’s nothing quite as diffusing in a situation as not rising to the bait.

Best of luck!

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