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Wow is that ever hard!!!!
I think I would tell FI - I don't keep any secrets from him and I think that if he finds out you were keeping it from him it could really hurt your new marriage. You can tell him that she told you not to tell and hopefully he can handle it in a way that won't make it evident to your FMIL that you told him.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this and that FMIL is not doing well!
Wow what a hard spot you are in, Im so sorry for you and your family! I personally would be in a hard place as well but I think in the end I would tell my FI. If he found out I knew his mom was sick and didnt tell him, that would hurt worse than him not knowing at all. If it is terminal as she thinks, Id rather him know now and risk her being mad at me for telling. God forbid something happen before the wedding and he didnt get a chance to know?
Since his sister knows and Im assuming his dad knows as well, can you talk to them and get them to talk to her and convince her to see a doctor? Since she is a retired nurse there might be a possibility she could see a doctor she knows even if she doesnt have insurance? She shouldnt give up hope, especially without a proper diagnosis.
Im so sorry to hear this and I hope everything will be ok! My best wishes to you, your FI's mom and family.
Wow that is terrible. I would most definitely honor FIML's wishes. If I were in her shoes, I would be devestated if my son recived this news in a way that I had not planned for. You could try to convince her to tell him....but I think it's very inappropriate to tell him yourself.
I'm so sorry. goodluck
Hot to the touch? Isn't that what happens when there are blood clots? That's also really serious but a completely different situation. So, honestly, this is how I'd handle the situation. I would seriously drag her to the doctor or hospital. I wouldn't care if I had to chloroform her! Its too serious an issue to be afraid of drama or angering her and the family. If she refused, then, I would tell my FI. It depends on your FI though. I know, for a fact, that if mine found out I'd kept this from him, no matter how pure my motive was, he'd lose it. He'd be so upset with me. I feel like he has a right to know and should be allowed to step in if need be.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, it must be really difficult. I hope it all works out and that she's fine.
If my husband knew anything like this about my mom and didn't tell me I would be livid! To me, it was totally unreasonable of her to ask you to keep this a secret. What if telling him could help save her life? I say you have no choice but to tell him and she will just have to understand.
She's putting you in a terrible position. I think you need to tell her you can't start your marriage not being open with your FI, and that if she's not willing to tell him, you feel you have to. At least that way she'll have an opportunity to come clean, and you can just be there for your FI. I'm so sorry to hear about this.
She doesn't know for sure they are cancer. She really should go in. And if they are cancer, it doesn't mean they have gotten into her blood or lymph system and spread, so they may be operable. She needs to find out what she is dealing with. It might not be as bad as she thinks.
That aside, I would tell her that you can't keep a secret like that from your FI. You don't want to be the one who has to tell him, but if she won't then you will. Or maybe make a deal with her. If she goes and gets them checked out, you won't tell him until they know for sure what they are. Maybe it would be a way to get her to go to the Dr.
I hope everything works out for her and this situation.
This is a very hard thing to deal with and I am sorry that you, so far, have to deal with it alone. My father died of melanoma almost a year ago and I am glad I knew.
I don't know the answer to your question, but I can tell you that if I were in your place, I would tell FI. I would go to her first, explain that it just is not right to not tell him and either let her agree to it or you will tell him. Would you want to know if this was your mother? What happens if the cancer already spread and she passes next week? Can you deal with the fact that you knew and you didn't tell him?
I don't think you will ruin any relationship with her and him. Dealing with cancer is very hard but brought my family closer than we ever were. At least if he knows he can take the time to do things with his mom and you, together, that he always wanted to do. It seems to me that she and his family are great people, so I doubt she will be mad at you if you go to her first about your predicament. I hope this helps in any way =) Time is so precious and you all need to be together.
That's a tough spot. And I agree with PP's. You should tell your FMIL that you can't keep secrets from your FI and let her know that she either has to tell her FI herself, or you will tell him. I'm so sorry your going through this. It's even worse that your FMIL refuses to seek treatment. *HUGS*
I'm sorry but in matters like this, you cannot keep a secret. In fact, unless it's a girl friend telling you things in private (that have no bearing on your family or marriage), you really shouldn't keep secrets from your husband/significant other. Especially about their own parent. Tell your FMIL that you are sorry, but this is not something you can keep to yourself and let her know that you will tell him, or she will tell him. If you wait, maybe she won't even make the wedding. That's a horrible thought, but it could be a reality. you don't want to live your life with secrets and regrets! I know the health insurance thing could be a problem, but it's not as bad of a problem as losing someone prematurely. Is she old enough for medicare etc?
I am so sorry that you are going through this - both because your FMIL may be ill and because you're stuck between telling your fiance and going against your FMIL's wishes. You mention that your first priority is your FI, and I think you should tell him. Maybe you could even talk to your FMIL and tell her gently that you have to tell him, and maybe that situation alone will convince her to bring it up first.
I'd have a hard time going against someone's wishes, but think it's important for all the reasons the 'bee's above have mentioned. Also, I work at a cancer hospital as a lymphoma researcher, and have seen situations like this happen, when a parent is sick and decides not to tell their adult children (not small kids, different situation, I totally understand) and it usually it only results in hurt feelings, especially if a person was sick for a while and gets bad news, and THEN decides to tell their kids. I think if something happened to your mother in law, your FI would be devastated that no one told him what was going on. Sometimes it helps having another person involved in a situation too - maybe together you could all convince your MIL to seek medical care or come up with some solution to the insurance issue. If she is really sick, you will all need each other's support too.
If nothing else, definitely try and convince her to get a second opinion. You mention that she's a nurse and knows what's wrong with her, but we have had patients come to our hospital with lumps and bumps convinced they have lymphoma or something else and have turned out to have weird infections/illnesses that are totally treatable. I really really hope this is the case, and I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts! Sorry for the long reply!
Honestly, I would tell your FI and talk to your FFIL. I don't think that she is thinking rationally and she can't make a life altering decision like that without her family, or at least her husband.
I am so very sorry for the situation you are in. Not necessarily that she confided in you, but the ramifications to your FI's happiness, etc when the rest of his family does find out how sick she is.
First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this and I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. But she has put you in a terrible position and is asking you to do something that could potentially damage your new marriage--you need to go into it with complete honesty. I think you should go to her, explain that she means a great deal to her and that you are worried for her health. Tell her that you understand that she doesn't want her son to find out before the wedding, but that you just can't keep something like this from your soon-to-be husband. Let her know that you will tell him, but that you think it would be best coming from her. Tell her that you will support her and him in any way you can, but that you really feel strongly about this. I just don't really see another way. I don't think it is a good idea to tell him without talking to her first, so I think something like this is your best option. Good luck.
I agree with the others who say you need to tell your FI. I think he'd be pretty devastated to know that both you and his mom were keeping such a big secret from him. Making sure you guys get off on the right foot for your marriage, which is a lifetime thing is more important than one day shadowed by secrets and worry.
Totally tell FI. I bet that's what FMIL really wants, anyway if she told you. Not that I think she's being sneaky, I think it is subconscious. If she's worried about ruining the wedding, by telling you she is actually asking you if it's okay if she tells FI now. this is a family matter and everyone needs to be involved.
Sorry to hear about her health problems, I don't know anything about cancer really but I wish her/you the best!
I am so sorry. That is just terrible. If I were in your situation I would honor her wishes. It is her son, and she will tell him when she is ready.
I am so sorry, but you can't keep this from your FH. He has to know. I would go to your FMIL and let her know that you are sorry, but either she needs to tell him or you will. If you don't tell your FI, he is going to be very angry with you. Your FMIL might be upset, but from what you have said, I am sure she will understand the position she has put you in.
oh my, what a hard situation to be in!
i actually had a semi-similar experience about a year ago, before my fi and i were engaged--fmil confided in me that ffil had a tumor in his pancreas, but they were waiting for test results to find out if it was cancer or benign. she told me in part because she knew fi would freak out, and she wanted me to be prepared to help him through it, and i think also because she really needed to tell someone and needed support right then and there. she didn't want me to tell fi yet because she wanted to wait until they knew for sure what the tumor was (and fi still doesn't know i knew before him). i only had to wait about a week before they told my fi, bc ffil needed surgery and they had to tell him then. so that's the difference, i think--fmil made me keep it secret but it was always intended to be a temporary secret. in your case, i think you need to tell your fi--it sounds like your fmil needs treatment and is avoiding it, and your fi may be better able to convince her to take care of herself. i completely sympathize with you though--what a horrible situation to be in! the week that i knew before fi about his dad was so incredibly hard, as was the entire period his dad was in the hospital...best of luck, and take care!
Oh wow i feel for you! I just couldnt start my marriage with a secret especially a big one! Good luck.
Thanks to everyone who has responded with well wishes and prayers. They are definitely needed.
She's incredibly stubborn. Believe me, his sister and I pleaded with her to go to the doctor and she just cried and cried in my arms and told me she didn't want anyone to have to take care of her. She's convinced that she'll be a burden if everyone knows she has cancer, and we can't get through to her that everyone adores her, everyone would want to be there for her just like she's been there for everyone...
I know exactly what FI will do. He'll drag her, kicking and screaming, to the hospital and put it all on our credit cards, whatever he has to do. She has told her husband, but he refuses to believe it and chooses to ignore it, hoping it will go away.
I already have something written out to tell her that I am going to tell FI if she doesn't...I've just been putting it off because they've had all kind of financial problems recently. She never went to the doctor when she felt the lumps years (years!!) ago because that's when their financial problems were starting, and, yet again, she didn't want to be a burden.
I feel doubly awful for having to do this to her because her other daughter in law is such a horrible woman- I don't say this lightly. She hasn't let his mom see her granddaughter alone for one minute since she was born- and her granddaughter is 5 now. She doesn't trust her for some reason? Anyway, I just want to be such a good daughter in law to her to somehow make up for the bad experience she's had with the other one.
Now just to find the right time...
i am a doctor and can tell you that "hot swollen" masses or lymph nodes are rarely cancer. it is possible, but far less likely, especially if they are painful. it would be far more likely to be an inflammatory (autoimmune) or infectious problem. something like this probably isn't fatal, but does require treatment. i would certainly not give you official advice in this forum, but you should explain to your fmil that you are very concerned for her health and feel that it is unfair to not include your fh in the conversation. your fmil should never put you in a situation where she expects that you keep something this major from your fh. relationships are about trust and communication. if something happens to his mother and he is the only one who was unaware of the problem, he will resent you for not talking with him.
That's awful news, and she has made it more awful by putting you in an untenable position. I second noritake, tell her that she has a day or two (give a deadline) to tell him, or you will. You understand her reluctance, but he will be more hurt if she doesn't tell him than anything else. If you need to, tell her that it can't ruin the wedding anymore than it already has - after all, you know, you're worried for her, you're keeping secrets from FI, and on top of that, it will ruin things retroactively for him when he eventually finds out. That's harsh, but you might need to say that if she keeps using the "I don't want to ruin the wedding" excuse. Which is, imo, her trying to make her decision unselfish, when really she doesn't want to face it/deal with her fear/everyone else's fear. Totally understandable! But it needs to be done. Take it from me, just dying with no warning is terribly unfair to her family. Wow, good luck, and allow yourself to still be happy about your wedding, which is still a wonderful event which deserves to be celebrated even when there is bad news elsewhere.
This is such an awful situation for you. While I have not been in your situation, I have been in one similar. A few years ago, my father had a prostate cancer scare. He ended up being in good health, but for several months, he and my mother kept this information from me because they thought it was for the best. I was incredibly angry. I explained to my parents that I am an adult, and that though it is a tough situation, I want to know about their health problems. Based on my experience, I have to say that your FI should know about this, despite his mother's wishes. As others have recommended, I think you should tell her that you are going to tell him before you do, just to give her a chance to tell him.
I wanted to chime in because sadly, I've had first-hand experience with cancer tumors. I think it's great that you're going to tell your MIL that you're telling your FI. Good for you. It's a step in the right direction, for sure.
As galore said (yay for doctors!), it actually doesn't sound like cancer. In my personal experience, my tumors were hard lumps that were not at all sensitive to the touch, and my doctor said that was usually the case with malignant tumors. Of course, I'm not a doctor and I can't diagnose her, but that might give her some comfort in knowing that she can't be 100 percent certain that she has cancer.
This has also got to be taking a toll on her mentally. Maybe play the angle that if it's not cancer, she can have this treated and managed BEFORE the wedding, and she'll feel like a weight has been lifted and really, fully enjoy the day without this feeling of constant doom.
Keep us posted!
@galore: I am not a doctor, but I flagged on that too-- I didn't think malignant lumps often presented with heat.
@OP-- Tell your FI! She needs help whether she wants it or not; and it's definitely not fair of her to expect you to keep something of this magnitude from your future husband. If he finds out that you knew, especially if something goes wrong in the meantime, I hate to say it but if it happened to me I might never forgive it. Grief is too serious and too sticky of an emotion to play around with. Tell him, be open and honest with him now, and maybe even save your FMIL's life. Or at least take a huge amount of stress off of her.
For the insurance issue, if she's 65, she qualifies for medicare. If she's not, she may still qualify for SS disability, which I think lets her onto medicare for a certain amount of months. She worked for 30 years, she certainly deserves to use the benefits available to her.
I think you should tell your fiance -- she has already burdened you, the bride, with this secret. Your fiance is your partner and more importantly, it's his mother. It's really his and the rest of his family's obligation to get her to seek treatment. Health is always more important than money.
My mom had a lump for a long time before she went to the doctor. It was cancer andd it would have been easier to treat if she'd gone to the doctor earlier. She knew for a while before she told me too because she didn't want to upset me. That said, she's fine, but even she admits that being afraid to go to the doctor was stupid. Get your FMIL to tell FI and go to the doctor! Fingers crossed she will be over the worst before the wedding.
You said your FI would drag her to the doctor kicking and screaming and do whatever possible. I think that is your answer right there. If she wont listen to anyone about seeing a doctor, it seems like your FI will make sure she does, which is the most important thing of all. She will realize once everything is figured out how much you all truly love her and would do anything for her.
First of all, I am so sorry you're going through this- both for your FMIL and for the horrible situation of being asked to keep a secret like this. I agree with the pp's that you should talk to your FMIL and tell you that you don't feel comfortable keeping this a secret from your FI. Tell her that if she doesn't tell him ASAP, you're going to tell him. Imagine how awful this would be if something did happen before the wedding and FI found out you kept it from him. Also, I wanted to say that, while I am not a doctor, I am involved in medicine and that does't sound like cancer. Either way, though, she needs to go see a doctor, and if your FI will make her go, then you should tell him so FMIL can get the help she needs.
I think you need to tell your FI. I have dealt with cancer in my family all of my life. I know first hand, time is important. My mother had cancer. She beat 2 other cancers in her life. Well we thought 2 time cancer survivor, we are done. Cancer had other things in mind. She had unknown primary cancer wrapped around her intestines. There was no cure for it. They tried chemo, but they gave her 6 months. Well about a month later, she was getting worse & worse. They did a bone marrow biopsy & found out that within 2 weeks, Multiple Myeloma had completely taken over 95% of her marrow. They said she had 2 weeks, we got 4 days. She never knew about the Multiple Myeloma. We didn't even get a proper goodbye. The only reason why I am telling you this is because you never, ever know what this life has in store. If you have the chance to do something or change something or even say something, then do it! Try whatever you can to get her in. In might not be cancer as some of the other bees posted above, but you never know! You & your family will be in my thoughts & prayers. I am here if you need to talk!
I just wanted to chime in with the medicare/SSI thing since she's definitely going to have to go!
Tell her to get on Medicare if she can. If not, get her to a doctor for an inital test and then if it's bad BAD, get her on SSI... shouldn't be a problem if it's truly a bad problem. If either of these things don't apply, call your department of social services to see if there's anything like a Medically Indigent assistance plan for paying medical bills or if shes eligible for any other kind of medical assistance.
Good luck!
Whew! Thanks for all the advice and encouragement, bees. I finally took a deep breath and told her what I was thinking and feeling this afternoon. I told her that I felt bad that I was going to be marrying FI with this secret, and she told me that she felt terrible for putting such a burden on me and telling me in the first place. Even though that wasn't really the point...
Anyway, we agreed that tonight I would tell him that I had talked to her about the illness and that he would talk to her about it afterwards. I felt like I was going to pass out while I was telling her this stuff, but it got done! I feel so much better. I know it's going to be a hard road ahead, but at least we can handle it together, and I won't have to go into our marriage feeling guilty! Hurray!
Your thoughts and prayers for strength and healing for our family are very much appreciated. You girls rock!
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FI and I are saving money for a house and are living with his (fantastic) parents for a while. It's been wonderful. I genuinely adore his family and feel so blessed to be marrying into such a loving household.
However, about a month ago, his sister came over and told me that she is really worried about their mom because of these strange lumps she has on her arm and leg. Later that night, his sister made his mom show me the lumps, and they are awful. Swollen, hot to the touch, and very apparent. (No one except his sister has noticed because she wears baggy clothes.) I asked her what the doctor said about them, and she told me that she refused to go to the doctor-at all.
Um, what?! Yea. I was shocked. She is a nurse who recently retired after thirty years of practice. She told me that she's 99% positive of what they are- melanoma tumors. She told me that the doctor would just tell her that she'd have to get her leg and arm amputated to prevent the melanoma from spreading, and she refused to do that because she doesn't want her granddaughter to see her like that- she doesn't want to be a burden.
I tried to convince her that she needs to do something because obviously this could metastasize to her lungs, heart, or brain and be fatal. She told me that it's definitely fatal, but there's nothing they can do for her because she doesn't have health insurance.
I asked her if FI knew, and she vehemently told me no, she was not going to tell him until after the wedding because she didn't want to "ruin it."
So here's my dilemma. Do I keep her secret from FI and make my vows to be honest, open, and true to him on our wedding day, knowing I'm potentially holding information about his mom's life? Or do I tell FI anyway? Do I inform her that I can't keep this kind of secret, regardless of what that does to our relationship?
I love his mom so much, but my first priority is to my FI. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with her, or with him. I also don't particularly want this to be the first thing we deal with after we come back from the honeymoon. But the wedding is under a month away and I don't know what will happen if I do tell him...What should I do?!