His mom won't let go! Should I still get engaged? Please help! LONG

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Why would an awkward parent stop you from marrying the love of your life? I honestly don’t understand. You are marrying him not his mother. Yes, she might not be super enthusiastic, and she might try to dissuade him for her own selfish reasons but it seems like he is man enough to make his own decisions. He has ignored her and put money down on a diamond. What more do you want? Ask yourself that. He is actively choosing you over his mother. She is a voice in his ear. But she is not winning. You are. Isn’t that enough?

Post # 3
Member
6906 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

TheFutureMrsReign:  It would be a problem if he did these wild things his mother suggests (buy an Audi, delaying your engagement 12 months), but by my reading he’s just ignoring her. So I don’t really see a problem.

Post # 4
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

Ignore his mom for a while and don’t get her too entangled in ring-shopping and other activities that are best engaged in as a couple. Obviously, it is not her place to comment on the price of the ring or suggest her boy buys a new car, but the less you pay attention to this coming from her, the better off you are. In contrast, from what you’ve written, your guy seems to be on track – he is not paying much attention to his mom and is pursuing his own ideas on buying the ring for you. If he is acting in a similar way on the other issues (e.g., yes, he changes his mom’s oil once in a while – nice – he will also do it for you, but not if mom calls last minute and he already has plans with you), let it be and don’t let it ruin your engagement.

Just to give you an example: my own in-laws are really nice, but can be somewhat pushy at times. We were recently looking for a new apartment and they would say things like: “you have to get an extra room, so we can stay with you when we visit”, “we will be ordering wine and storing it in your garage, since you don’t have a car”, “we can pay part of your rent if you get a bigger place”. All very annoying to me, but I told DH that we are looking for an apartment that’s good for us and we are paying for it ourselves. Then, I let him talk to them whenever the topic came up. There were no arguments. We now have the apartment we wanted and they have let it be.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  blue_cat77.
Post # 7
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Yes in laws can be tricky but he is doing what he should- putting you first and ignoring his weird mother.

Ignore her and go ahead with the engagement and be happy! She’ll calm down when she knows it’s a done deal.  But I wouldn’t tell her too much about it from now until it’s official, design the setting with your FI get him to put it on your finger and then tell her.

Post # 8
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with other posters don’t let ur fmil dictate your relationship. I am surprised that you would involve her into picking our your engagement ring. You are way too nice! I think you need to let ur bf do what he wants to do and focus on your relationship rather then his mom. She will be just fine when you two get engaged and married. Since she likes doing motherly things youvan include her in helping you do something for the wedding. But don’t let her in to your couple time, that’s none of her business. I think what she needs is boundrys

  

Post # 9
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

In my country they say you should put a spoon between husband and wife (it rimes….). Basically, everybody (you, him and her) need to understand that you are becoming a couple with marriage responsibilities. What happens between you 2 is between you 2. Couple decisions shouldn’t involve other people, including how to spend your money. He seems like a great guy 🙂 dont worry

My husband bought my ring with his parents (it was a surprise for me), but it looks like in your case it’s a couple thing. You shouldn;’t involve other people so much then. You should invite her for lunch/dinner out sometimes, especially when her husband is away. Some mothers spoil their sons a little (a hell of a lot!!! I have a brother….) but once you have your own house, it’ll be slightly different

Post # 10
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

I think you’ve partly addressed the issue yourself in a sense when you said “his sister doesn’t like to be babied”. She’s strong enough to set the boundaries. Some men, not all men, but some do find it hard to cut the apron strings where Mum is concerned! My brother was one of them and my Mum isn’t even overbearing haha! I’m not suggesting he purposefully encourages her, but maybe there is a pattern to his behavior where he indulges her, even without realising it? 

Nothing she can say should alter or change your plans. The exception should be if someone is dispensing common sense, I’m not against listening to good advice, but it doesn’t seem like that’s what she’s doing (regarding the car). She’s probably just wary of the change. I also think you are 100% on point when you say it’s not worth it, or fair, to start a “her or me” debate. This is one for your boyfriend I’m afraid, for the sake of harmony!

I always think actions speak louder than words so just ask him to have a genuine and honest look at himself, he may readily admit that yep, he does let her get away with too much. 

Post # 11
Member
6727 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

TheFutureMrsReign:  Honestly, if that is all his mom is doing then you’ve got it easier than a lot of others. Ignore her. The engagement and wedding are about the two of you. There will always be outsider opinions, and it really just comes down to how you choose to deal with them.

She probably feels like her baby boy is finally growing up and leaving her for you. Based on what you said, she does really like you and seems to want you as a daughter in law, but her own fear of losing her son to you is outweighing any joy she should have surrounding his engagement. Don’t let her ruin this time in your life – she probably doesn’t even realize how she’s coming off.

Post # 12
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

TheFutureMrsReign:  I have a strong-willed, somewhat overbearing FMIL, and my SO is very happy to let her do things for him. (I assume this is part of why we get along so well, being that I can be quite stong-willed and somewhat overbearing at times…) 

I have tried to set boundries, but when she pushes way past them, I let my SO know (within the privacy of our relationship) where I am at with the situation. Sometimes it’s a, “will you talk to your mother about this” or just mentioning it, “this has come up a lot and it is starting to make me uncomfortable- how do you feel about it?”. By approaching the topic as a calm conversation to get his opinion, we are able to see where the other one is at, and decide together how to go forward. IMHO, it’s more meaningful coming from him to her, than from you, should you decide it is something that needs to be addressed. If you are going to ask him to address something with her, best to know how he feels about it, so it doesn’t come off as, “I don’t agree, but TheFutureMrsReign is making me say this to you.” At that point you should just tell her yourself. :0)

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

I think you are currently sharing too much, which is very sweet on your part, but definitely not necessary.

You need to consder that there is a certain amount of “boundary building” that has to occur between any loving mom and her child when “child” is entering into an adult relationship. Personally, I am CRAZY about each of my DDILs, but there was a period of time in each of my sons’ relationships when there was some awkwardness.

If you are serious about each other it may be about time to start doing some independent types of things, perhaps including financial investments ( not joint account, individual for now ), the actual ring shopping, the romantic get-aways…..and not being overly concerned about her potentially negative reaction.

It does NOT SEEM TO ME that she objects to you. My own MIL was truly pathological about her son marrying, and although that was a tragedy, we felt our marriage was worth it and we lived through it.

It sounds as though you really love your guy, and you’ll live through this too!

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  ann.reid.9277. Reason: typo
Post # 14
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think your future fiance is really on your side here, he knows when to ignore her. So there’s no reason to not accept an engagement here. In laws can be tough, but you don’t need to live with them, just.yoir fiance lol. Stay with him! 

Post # 15
Member
5334 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

TheFutureMrsReign:  The good thing here is that he seems to be aware of what she is like and ignores her. However, I do understand where you’re coming from and I would issue this warning: she sounds like my MIL and, if she IS like her, it can make things very difficult. My MIL got steadily worse after we got engaged, and, now the wedding has come and gone, is no better. While we do our best to ignore her it is easier said than done and it has put an unnecessary strain on our relationship. I wouldn’t change anything, and I wouldn’t not have married him; but she is pure evil, and she started much like your FMIL (really sweet and nice at first etc). Just tread carefully and make sure he supports you, and sees what she is doing. I would also suggest that he starts to be more independent; her doing his laundry etc needs to stop. I would also suggest he moves out; when my OH moved out of home things really stepped up a notch with emotional blackmail etc and I suspect this will be the same here; I think it is best he takes that step and deals with the potential wrath before you get married; you don’t need that stress when  you start married life. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors