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My FI is Swiss/Brazilian and we are planning a traditional Catholic wedding in America. My mother generously offered to print the invitations for us since most of our attendees are from Ohio, but since I am a designer of course I haaave to do them in Switzerland to make sure they are up to my standards. Anyway, we came up with our text:
Dr. Papa and Mama Diamondscan
request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
Miss Diamondscan
to
Mr Joe Smith
son of
John and Jane Smith
on Saturday 29 October 2011 at 9:00am
...at such and such church, etc.
FI translated them into German and Portuguese since we are doing a trilingual trifold invitation and we sent them to his parents to have them help correct the grammar.
Last night, his parents rang on the phone and they are UPSET that the invitation wording makes it sound like my parents are hosting, and not both sets hosting together. Um, duh! My parents ARE hosting and paying for the church wedding and reception!
FI tried to make the point that my parents will be upset if we put both sets of parents hosting at the top because it makes it look like they are contributing $ when they are not. It’s not that my parents are paying for everything either... They didn’t want to contribute any money to a photographer because they think that’s a waste of $ and wouldn’t pay more than $100 for a wedding dress, so FI are paying for the wedding photographer, our attire and accessories, invitations, rings, flights to the US, etc. When you add it all up, we are probably paying ½ of the wedding costs ourselves, but since my parents are paying a good portion, I’m totally fine with them being at the top like traditional invites say.
FI’s parents are hosting/paying for the rehearsal dinner and that is it. If they want to do an invite for that, they can say they are the only ones hosting, whatever!
It kind of pisses me off that they think they can demand it be done their way when that insults the people who ARE contributing. They just kept telling the FI that this isn’t how invites are worded and it’s wrong and we need to change it to make it more fair.
How about they contribute $10,000 and then it really is fair to put them on there?? Lord knows FI would have appreciated help paying for expensive things like rings and professional photogs.
Argh, sorry if this upsets anybody but I’m ticked off. I thought we were being kind putting their names on the invites at all and they just have to complain about it!
Why do people who don’t contribute have to meddle??
Uh honestly, if it is upsetting his parents is it really worth it to announce hosts on the invitations? Why does anyone need to know who is paying for the wedding?
Just say "Fiance and I request the honor of your presence at our wedding."
Show them the page in the etiquette book where it says that the names of the parents contributing money/hosting go on top of the invite.
@KatyElle: Ugh, then we upset my parents because they are putting down a lot of money and reserving/booking/arranging most of the details for us since we are abroad. My mom is upset that we wouldn't do it the traditional way when they said they'd pay for everything.
I thought putting FI's parents on the invites was a compromise like they can be on there even though they aren't contributing or helping plan anything. Obviously it just screws things up further. :(
You have to decide if this is a battle you want to fight. Yes, you are correct in that the persons hosting the wedding (traditionally the bride's parents) are the ones issuing the invitation. Actually, in a formal, traditional invitation, the groom's parents are not even listed at all. It is thoughtful of you to list them as you have.
HOWEVER, just because you are doing the invitations "correctly" doesn't mean his parents are going to feel any better about it. As a parent, I'd not be offended at all by your wording, but it seems they are. If they are upset because they think you are doing the invitations "wrong" you can guide them to any number of sources that shows your way is correct. But if they are upset because they feel slighted (even if maybe they shouldn't), you and your FI are going to have to make a hard decision about doing things the way you want to do them and keeping peace in the family.
ETA; I just read that your parents will be upset if you change the wording. So you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't envy you and your FI.
I've always seen invitations worded how you had it, regardless of whether the parents were hosting or not. I'm curious if your FIs family used to a different format or how an invitation is supposed to look in their culture. Maybe they are trying to appear a certain way to family members? Maybe they see it as both sets of family are gaining a family member (or giving away their child) instead of a financial argument? What did your FI say when his family pointed out that it appears that your parents are hosting since that is the case? I don't understand their "fairness" argument if it is financial since they are not contributing.
@Neva: great, so I either screw things up with the family I'm joining or really burn the bridges with my family I'm "leaving". :-(
we're saying "together with their families", but we're paying for the whole shebang ourselves. I don't envy your position.
Honestly, your FI's parents are in the wrong here. It could be that they don't understand U.S. etiquette. Maybe once your FI explains to them that this is the way it's done when the bride's family is hosting, they will understand. I personally wouldn't change the wording b/c I think it would be disrespectful to your parents and all the money and effort they are putting in to make your day special.
They probably are considering their hosting of the RD as part of the 'wedding' so have decided they should be listed as hosts as well. They are wrong. The RD is an entirely seperate event.
I'd leave them exactly as you have them. They'll get over it. :P
I put "together with their parents" because both are helping us with the wedding. But if FI's parent's aren't helping pay for the wedding then they don't even need to be on there. I think they should just be happy their names are mentioned even though they aren't paying.
This is a tradition that I am personally upset with because I think inevetably it leaves someone feeling embarassed or upset.
We're paying for our wedding mostly ourselves, but my parents are contributing some. FI's family does not have the money to be contributing, his mother is a widdow and needs that money to care for herself. I'm not expecting anything from her. We've chosen to word our invitations as "together with their families". My parents are not contributing to get recognition they just want a great day. Just because his mom isnt contributing $$ doesn't mean she isn't important.
A wedding is about two people and two families coming together and shouldn't be a show about who's paying.
While I agree that it is tradition to have the family who pays be put on the invitation first I don't think it sits right with me.
That's the problem with multilingual invitations. You can't just translate the words, you need to also keep in mind the cultural connotations. We needed some invitations in German, and FMIL who doesn't speak any German offered to use an online translator program to translate the English text into German, so that I didn't have to worry about it. Uhm, no thank you. There are numerous reasons why this wasn't a good idea.
One of them is that if we translated the English invitation text into German, our German guests would have probably thought that I completely lost it. It just doesn't work, it would have sounded waaaaay too awkward in German.
What I did was I looked up German wedding invitation wordings and did something completely different from the English invitations to make it more culturally relevant.
@diamondscan: I'd be tempted to just say the printer has already sent them and it is too late to make any changes...but I'm kinda devious like that.
@diamondscan: Our situation was exactly like yours. My parents paid for about half of our wedding and we paid for the other half. His parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. Our invites were worded EXACTLY the same as yours.
His parents didn't have a problem with it b/c they knew they couldn't contribute more...and we were all fine with that. But the honor should certainly go to my parents since they were the ones who helped to contribute more. I think you have a reason to be upset with them!
I think we are also going to put "Together with their parents"...the financial part is complicated and while both sets of parents are contributing something we will be paying for most of it ourselves. For us, if we were going to pick battles over something in the wedding, this wasn't going to be it. I don't want our families to get offended over the small things, and despite traditional etiquette I don't really feel like every guest who receives an invitation needs to know the exact breakdown of financial contributions! Just my two cents.
Our budget breakdown is very similar and it was really important to my parents they it was worded the traditional way so I hear ya on this one! We used the exact same wording as you! FI's father (his parents are divorced and not remarried) is paying for the rehearsal dinner and drinks at the reception and he was fine being listed like that.....
I know some PP's said to remove all the parents names but if it's important to your parents that tradition is kept here then I would just go by the book and explain that to FI's parents. It's so hard to make everyone happy in some of these details!!
It does suck, and if I were you, I'd be pissed, too!
First I would check if it's a cultural difference - it's been a while since I worked with South American brides, but that could be part of why they're upset.
Honestly, many times the groom's parents names aren't even listed on the invite.
It's a crappy situation, but I would just have your FI explain that this is proper etiquette, and you're sorry if they're upset, but they will be printed as they are.
Sorry there's no easy win on this one for you!!!
I would check to see what sort of wording is traditionally used in a German/Brazilian invitation to be sure everyone is on the same page re: what it means to host the wedding.
@kermie: Yeaah, I wish we could just put JANE marrying JOHN and leave the parents out without making people mad because of "respect".
My mom is recommending we change it to
Dr. Papa and Mama Diamondscan
invite you to the Nuptial Mass uniting their daughter
Miss diamondscan
and
Mr Joe Smith
son of John and Jane Smith
in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony
etc....
That way they are included in the "sentence" about us getting married in the church, which is just that as we already did our civil union... and then FI can remind they get to do whatever they want for the RD invite (if they do one!).
Hmm... this might work! Will have to talk to the FI about it tonight.
Basically, you and your parents are in the right and I *personally* think your ILs need to just get over themselves. I think it's sort of ridiculous. I wouldn't want to offend my generously contributing family just to appease people that aren't really doing anything. Tell them that the people paying for the wedding are the "hosts" aka your parents and that they've already been sent to the printer or whatever. (I, like Neva, have no problem saying something like that). They need to GROW UP. If this really upsets them....they can get out the checkbook? Wow I'm feeling harsh today. :/ lol
Oh my goodness, we had the exact same issue. Except - my fiance sided with his parents. His parents wanted it to be that both parents invited. They knew they weren't contributing as much as my parents but they thought "it would be nice gesture to have both." My parents were furious, thought the inlaws were unappreciative of the amount my parents were spending. Both me and fiance sided with our own parents. So it was a battle. After a lot of tears, fiance and I decided that we have to start working as our own family, not as son and daughter anymore. So we started communicating more about our opinions and came to a decision. Fortunately, at the same time, my mom called me and said that she would be the bigger person and be open to having both sets of parents on top for the sake of no hard feelings at the wedding and throughout our marriage. She is such a wise lady. We ended up having both parents on top, and my inlaws were grateful and so touched that we included them. So i guess that's better than the cattiness that could have happened if my parents left them off.
@teaadntoast: I know that for the German speaking areas, it's the bride and groom who invite. And it's pretty informal and can be as simple as "We are getting married! Please celebrate with us on [date] at [location]..."
Sometimes, the couple adds a nice quote about love or something cutesy like "We don't have to, we don't need to, we just want to!" or "after 2637 days of living in sin, we finally make it official!"
I would just leave it the way there are. I dont think they have any reason to be upset.
Since your parents aren't paying for the entire wedding, you said you and FI are paying about 50% for things they feel are unnecessary, I would put together with their parents. I think if your FI's parents are that upset over it, I would try to work with them. I can see how that wording can be offensive, even if it is traditional. I personally don't like it to look one sided, it's no one's business who paid for the wedding, and although FI's parents can't contribute financially, maybe they have helped in other ways, and their guests are being invited also, so I still think it should be both families and you inviting.
Personally, FI and myself, and my dad are paying for most of our wedding, but I still put together with their parents, and listed both parents names, because I felt it was the right thing to do.
This is one battle not worth fighting in my opinion, especially if it will cause hurt feelings. It's not being disrespectful to your parents since you are paying for parts of the wedding too. FI's parents feelings will be hurt more if you dont change it I think, rather than your parents if you change it.. if that makes sense.
@AprilJo2011: HAHAHA! I kind of want to add that "living in sin" comment somewhere now... not the invitations, but somewhere!
I have to agree with most posters, your fiance's parents are wrong (and quite rude IMO). Your parents are paying for most of the wedding, they are the hosts.
Tell them to suck it up.
@AprilJo2011 Yeah, that’s why FI was supposed to make them sound normal when he translated them lol. He speaks both Portuguese and German fluently, so I thought between that and looking up german/Brazilian invites online he could figure out what’s normal. Guess not?! Do you happen to have a good sample of German text? I would really appreciate reading it! Even I think the German reads kinda weird right now. We actually have a lot of invites from friends getting married right now, and none of them (in german) even have the parents names anywhere from anybody!
@2PeasinaPod That makes me feel normal! I was starting to think I was totally off base writing them like this, but it IS normal! (In English at least).
@thewheelsonthebus We will have to check up what Brazilian brides do. FI’s mother is the Brazilian one and she is the one who gets upset about “how we do things” if it’s not her way.
@AmeliaBedelia Lol, I want to tell them to get out a checkbook too! (But I guess those don’t exist in Switzerland, so maybe a wire transfer will do??) I’ll take $$ and shut up. :D
@lotam240 Aww that sounds like it was really tough! I’m glad FI is on the same page as me. (Ok, I think he’s on the “How can we get this done with and move on?” page, but still!)
@europomme: I guess I am trying to remember now if FI's parent's own wedding invites had their parent's names on them. I only saw them once or twice, but they were very plain and very Swiss... in German and Portuguese.
I just wonder why they would be so upset if it's not usual for couples to list parents in Switzerland in general. Heck, most couples these days don't get married, so we are real weirdos wanting to get married in the church!
And $ is a slightly touchy subject with my parents. I don't want to tell them that they "aren't contributing enough" by paying for the dress I want, our dream photographer, etc... because these are things my parents feel are unnecessary to spend a lot on, if at all. I am really not so ungrateful enough to them to say "Sorry, but because you're not paying 100% we are putting "Together with our families" bc that's also pretty rude IMO.
I'd stick to your guns. Your parents are contributing and its nice to honor them in that way. We had the same situation (we paid half and my parents paid half of the wedding) and we didn't have my husband's parents' names on the invitations at all. They (husband's parents) did pay for the rehearsal dinner and at the dinner i did a thank-you to everyone for coming and specifically thanked them for hosting, so I feel that everyone was appropriately thanked for what they were doing.
If his parents want to be thanked for hosting the wedding they'd need to... host the wedding. lol
I think they're upset because it's not like neither parents are being shown, it looks one sided as though only your parents are hosting. You and your FI are paying for half of the wedding, so you have every right to put together with your parents... I dont see why that is offensive to your parents? They are still being included also.
EDIT, I know money is a touchy subject, is it because FI's parents can't afford to contribute, or they're just choosing not to? That would change things for me too.
@europomme: They are choosing not to. My parents have 9 children, only 2 of whom live on their own already... and FI's parent's only have FI and his brother, who are both doing well and everybody is in good health. We are really gracious that my parents will help us out because we were stressed about how much a wedding can add up to, but there is no discernible reason why FI's parents could not contribute if they wanted to...
My parents weren't in a position to contribute for our wedding but I knew they'd be absolutely devastated if I indicated otherwise on the invitation, so we said "Together with their families..." Luckily Mr. DG's family was really laid back about it even though they paid for the bulk of the wedding (which was so sweet of them!) and we paid the rest.
In that case, then I can see why your parents would be offended because they are contributing even though they have more children and probably more expenses, when FI's parents can and are choosing not to, I would leave as is then. If they want to be included as hosts, then they could offer to help pay I would think.
your in-laws need to suck it up. if they're not contributing, they don't get a say in the invites.
Now I'm debating doing it a different way for each page of the trifold:
Portuguese: Both families at the top to appease my MIL
English: Our original way
German: NO Parents!!
That way there is something for everyone in every language. Maybe this could work....
Well that's no fun! Honestly though, you have to decide what what is worth to you guys. My parents paid for the ENTIRE wedding. We didn't pay for a thing, and his parents didn't pay for a thing. However, my mom didn't want his parents to not be included in the invitations, so ours said - Mr. and Mrs. (My parents names) and Mr. and Mrs. (His parents names) request your presence at the wedding of (His and my name).
Talk to your parents about it. See what they would think about adding his parents names to it, or not including their names (only FI and your name request the presence of...). Then, decide what it is worth to you. It may be easier to just include them or not include either.
@kermie: AGREED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I Wish people would just see this our way!
Oh man, I feel for you. I went through the same thing with my FILs, except originally I didn't put them on the invite at all, it just said "Mr. and Mrs. Leprechaun request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter, Leprechaun to Mr. Future Leprechaun." Apparently my FMIL was so upset, she cried for days over it. Well, they refused to give us any money (even though they make like twice what my parents do), so why should I put their names on the invitation? In the end, I changed it to Future Leprechaun, son of Mr. and Mrs. Leprechaun's Parents, just to end the drama, even though I felt so strongly that they were wrong. You just have to decide whether it is worth it to stick to your guns, or change it to end the drama. What would your parents think about not having any of their names (so it just read something like "Your presence is requested at the marriage of....")?
I think it's unfair that you parents are making this more difficult for you. If they heard that your Fi's parents have a problem with it..they should've just changed it to make them happy. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this is your time it's not worth the added stress.
My Fi's parents aren't giving us a penny. My parents are buying us the cake and bought me my dress. Still we put "Together with our Parents"..because at the end of the day, it's not who pays for the wedding that matters to us, it's who SUPPORTS our union--that's what matters to us.
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