(Closed) His parents are upset about our invitation wording

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9825 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Uh honestly, if it is upsetting his parents is it really worth it to announce hosts on the invitations? Why does anyone need to know who is paying for the wedding?

Just say “Fiance and I request the honor of your presence at our wedding.”

Post # 4
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Show them the page in the etiquette book where it says that the names of the parents contributing money/hosting go on top of the invite.

Post # 6
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You have to decide if this is a battle you want to fight.  Yes, you are correct in that the persons hosting the wedding (traditionally the bride’s parents) are the ones issuing the invitation.  Actually, in a formal, traditional invitation, the groom’s parents are not even listed at all.  It is thoughtful of you to list them as you have.

HOWEVER, just because you are doing the invitations “correctly” doesn’t mean his parents are going to feel any better about it.  As a parent, I’d not be offended at all by your wording, but it seems they are.  If they are upset because they think you are doing the invitations “wrong” you can guide them to any number of sources that shows your way is correct.  But if they are upset because they feel slighted (even if maybe they shouldn’t), you and your FI are going to have to make a hard decision about doing things the way you want to do them and keeping peace in the family.

 ETA;  I just read that your parents will be upset if you change the wording.  So you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t.  I don’t envy you and your FI. 

Post # 7
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’ve always seen invitations worded how you had it, regardless of whether the parents were hosting or not. I’m curious if your FIs family used to a different format or how an invitation is supposed to look in their culture. Maybe they are trying to appear a certain way to family members? Maybe they see it as both sets of family are gaining a family member (or giving away their child) instead of a financial argument? What did your FI say when his family pointed out that it appears that your parents are hosting since that is the case? I don’t understand their “fairness” argument if it is financial since they are not contributing. 

Post # 9
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

we’re saying “together with their families”, but we’re paying for the whole shebang ourselves. I don’t envy your position.

Post # 10
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Honestly, your FI’s parents are in the wrong here. It could be that they don’t understand U.S. etiquette. Maybe once your FI explains to them that this is the way it’s done when the bride’s family is hosting, they will understand. I personally wouldn’t change the wording b/c I think it would be disrespectful to your parents and all the money and effort they are putting in to make your day special. 

Post # 11
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

They probably are considering their hosting of the RD as part of the ‘wedding’ so have decided they should be listed as hosts as well. They are wrong. The RD is an entirely seperate event.

I’d leave them exactly as you have them. They’ll get over it. 😛

Post # 12
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I put “together with their parents” because both are helping us with the wedding.  But if FI’s parent’s aren’t helping pay for the wedding then they don’t even need to be on there.  I think they should just be happy their names are mentioned even though they aren’t paying.

Post # 13
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

This is a tradition that I am personally upset with because I think inevetably it leaves someone feeling embarassed or upset.

We’re paying for our wedding mostly ourselves, but my parents are contributing some. FI’s family does not have the money to be contributing, his mother is a widdow and needs that money to care for herself. I’m not expecting anything from her. We’ve  chosen to word our invitations as “together with their families”. My parents are not contributing to get recognition they just want a great day. Just because his mom isnt contributing $$ doesn’t mean she isn’t important.

A wedding is about two people and two families coming together and shouldn’t be a show about who’s paying.

While I agree that it is tradition to have the family who pays be put on the invitation first I don’t think it sits right with me.

Post # 14
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That’s the problem with multilingual invitations.  You can’t just translate the words, you need to also keep in mind the cultural connotations.  We needed some invitations in German, and FMIL who doesn’t speak any German offered to use an online translator program to translate the English text into German, so that I didn’t have to worry about it.  Uhm, no thank you. There are numerous reasons why this wasn’t a good idea.

One of them is that if we translated the English invitation text into German, our German guests would have probably thought that I completely lost it. It just doesn’t work, it would have sounded waaaaay too awkward in German.

What I did was I looked up German wedding invitation wordings and did something completely different from the English invitations to make it more culturally relevant. 

Post # 15
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@diamondscan:  I’d be tempted to just say the printer has already sent them and it is too late to make any changes…but I’m kinda devious like that.

Post # 16
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

@diamondscan: Our situation was exactly like yours. My parents paid for about half of our wedding and we paid for the other half. His parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. Our invites were worded EXACTLY the same as yours.

His parents didn’t have a problem with it b/c they knew they couldn’t contribute more…and we were all fine with that. But the honor should certainly go to my parents since they were the ones who helped to contribute more. I think you have a reason to be upset with them!

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